Seriously, I quit. I give up. For real. Unfortunately my doctor could see right through me so he took away my medicine. He's not letting me be in charge anymore, I'm not allowed to have medication at home in an extent that I could overdose them. I didn't tell them that there are other ways to die, because then he'd never have let me out. But there are other ways.
I can't take this anymore, I'm never getting a break, a breather, it keeps coming faster and faster, one disaster after another. After a moth in hospital, now I finally get to go home, now I could spend some time with my cat, but it's too late. She was dead when I came home. And yesterday I was in such a stupid hurry to get back to hospital I didn't really have time to check on her. Now she's dead. She died all alone because some stupid doctor had to keep me a day longer in hospital. There wasn't really any reason. Maybe my cat still would have died, but she wouldn't have had to be alone. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking that good care of her lately.
It seems as if it doesn't matter what I do, it's always wrong. I can't even take proper care of my cat. And I should have known since last year when she ran away, that no one else would care enough about her to take care of her for me. You just can't ever trust anyone. Never, ever. But at least the people who were supposed to help me with things at home will be pleased now, it's a lot less work now that the cat is gone. It's so mean, but I am sure that's how they see it. Less job, they never see how much that cat meant to me or how terrible I feel about leaving her alone so much. And that she died alone as well. It's terrible. I was annoyed last time I was hone, because the people at the hospital took all day to arrange for me to go home over night, and then they wanted me back so early. I was just tired and upset about everything. And then my cat wasn't well either. She needed me and I let her down. I'm a worthless being. No reason for me to keep taking up space. It's easy for the doctor to say I should keep going, he doesn't have to be me. If he had to I'm sure he'd change his mind too. It's not any fun at all to be me. No point to be me. No use. There just isn't any reason at all for me to be here. Just because I'm in hell everyday, it's not like that takes the hell away from other people. If it did then there would be a point, but as it is now, there's just no point at all. I wonder what would happen if I went back to hospital saying that I'm giving it all up. I can't do this anymore.
My cat died. It's my fault. I should never have trusted anyone to take care of her. I should have let the hospital call animal shelter and let the take her. They could have helped her if she was ill too, not just leave her to die alone. I'm so stupid. I let my cat die all alone. It should have been me, not her.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
SAD-bears dehibernation time
March first, it's time for SAD-bears to come out from hibernation. At least for this SAD-bear. The sun is shining, making the bright, white snow glitter. The birds are singing merrily in the tree tops again.
SAD stands for seasonal affective disorder and the way it makes me feel every winter has inspired me to compare myself more to a bear, sleeping all winter, than a monkey, or an ape, as Darwin suggested. That's why I keep calling myself a SAD-bear. I'm writing this blog post on my phone and it's not too easy keeping track of the changes auto correct makes. This is exhausting. The reason I'm writing on my phone is that I'm still in hospital. I thought I'd be home by now, but no such luck. Probably a lot my fault, but more about that later. Another problem I'm facing right now is that I have no other word counterpart than myself.
I spend about four months every year doing this impersonation of a bear bearely (hmmm) wanting to do anything other than sleep. One third of every year. It begins and enda roughly the same time every year, especially if the dark is the problem. I don't know too much about how it is to have the opposite SAD, to get depressed when it's bright and sunny, but it sure sounds awful. My problem is the dark and that means I should probably move. The further away from the equator you live the worse it gets. I live almost level with Fairbanks, Alaska, so you Americans get an idea where I live. I hope you Europeans know at least vaguely where northern Sweden is. If you live on the other side of the equator, I can't help you. I have no idea.
To feel lousy for one third of the year... it sounds insane, if you think about it like that. Moving closer to the equator, to a brighter place would probably make my problems a lot better. But it's so many other things I'd miss. During the summer the sun practically never sets. It's bright day and night. That could cause other problems, going to bed, to sleep when the sun's still up. You may not need an alarm to get up, but you could use one to remeber going to sleep. I'm not quite sure when you're day begins now, when the sun rises, but pretty soon we'll have caught up with you. This is really a wonderful time of the year. Days are getting longer, spring is coming, summer... it's all ahead of us. I love it. That's some of the reasons why I hesitate to move, at least moving the SAD-bear, if there are other reasons than the four months of dark... well, that's a different thing.
Any way, as you've probably guessed by now, one of the biggest issues with this problem is that you, or rather that I, become very tired during the darker ages, or months. Most have probably noticed that a couple of days of rain or snow, a few days without sun and you feel a lot less energetic than on the sunnier days. If you can imagine that in a greater scale then that's how it feels. Winter here is darker than a few rainy days and the SAD-bear is also more sensitive to the dark. The mood can vary some and on the sunny days you can feel better. But the wish to sleep it all away is always present. And I feel tired even on the brightest sunniest of days.
I become very antisocial. This winter I've even withdrawn from my online friends. It was as if I realized that having one thousand plus follower on Instagram or five thousand five hundred plus on Twitter meant nothing. I was still alone. Right there and then I was alone. And in a way that was how it should be. Fear of rejection, feeling worthless, hopeless, I Came to the conclusion I was better off alone. No one can hurt you if no one's there, right? So I took some time off from all social media and from all my friends. Took some time off to think. My life did pass before my eyes the way they say it does when you're about to die, only in a slower pace. It took some time to go though it all.
The things I normally find fun is just not that appealing anymore, when I go all SAD-bear on life. Don't get me wrong, photography is still fun, nature is very beautiful even in winter, but... The hours of daylight are very few, it's easy to oversleep. Pictures in the dark can be nice too, but there's a limit to how many pictures of the dark you can post. In my opinion anyway. Photography without Instagram isn't as fun, so there you go. Besides, most of the time I feel too tired anyway. I prefer to keep sleeping.
Writing is also fun, normally. You can do that inside and the computer, or pen and pad, isn't tied to daylight. A lamp is quite good enough. But when you're tired and sleepy, concentration is difficult. SAD-bears often find it difficult to concentrate. They can often feel worthless and hopeless instead. And tired. Besides, what do you have to write about if all you do is sleep?
When I was pre writing this on a pad, yes people, I have actually put some work in for a change. But I forgot one thing that the phone has been kind enough to remind me of. (Sarkasm!!!) SAD bears are often rather irritable. And to be completely honest I've feared for my roommate's safety. So many times I've wanted to throw this stupid phone and it's stupid auto correct in the wall, probably the one over her bed. Thank God I'm nearly done. I mean... remind become reindeer... How? Why? I don't get it.
Finally and something that makes life rather difficult, arms and legs feel so heavy. It feels as if it is impossible to move them. If you can't move your legs it's very difficult to get up, go out, take a walk, and therefore it's not possible to take any nice photographs. Walking is necessary and with my bad back it's difficult enough. The addition of snow and ice makes it more difficult. Pain can also defend on weather making it worse when it's cold in winter. Difficulty walking, slipper and uneven ground, more pain, heavy legs making them almost impossible to use. And of course, since you're always tired anyway, why not just keep sleeping?
Because the dark days are more or less behind us. Now's time for this SAD-bear to wake up.
Hope you're having lovely spring weather too. Just don't slip on ice. Take care!!!
SAD stands for seasonal affective disorder and the way it makes me feel every winter has inspired me to compare myself more to a bear, sleeping all winter, than a monkey, or an ape, as Darwin suggested. That's why I keep calling myself a SAD-bear. I'm writing this blog post on my phone and it's not too easy keeping track of the changes auto correct makes. This is exhausting. The reason I'm writing on my phone is that I'm still in hospital. I thought I'd be home by now, but no such luck. Probably a lot my fault, but more about that later. Another problem I'm facing right now is that I have no other word counterpart than myself.
I spend about four months every year doing this impersonation of a bear bearely (hmmm) wanting to do anything other than sleep. One third of every year. It begins and enda roughly the same time every year, especially if the dark is the problem. I don't know too much about how it is to have the opposite SAD, to get depressed when it's bright and sunny, but it sure sounds awful. My problem is the dark and that means I should probably move. The further away from the equator you live the worse it gets. I live almost level with Fairbanks, Alaska, so you Americans get an idea where I live. I hope you Europeans know at least vaguely where northern Sweden is. If you live on the other side of the equator, I can't help you. I have no idea.
To feel lousy for one third of the year... it sounds insane, if you think about it like that. Moving closer to the equator, to a brighter place would probably make my problems a lot better. But it's so many other things I'd miss. During the summer the sun practically never sets. It's bright day and night. That could cause other problems, going to bed, to sleep when the sun's still up. You may not need an alarm to get up, but you could use one to remeber going to sleep. I'm not quite sure when you're day begins now, when the sun rises, but pretty soon we'll have caught up with you. This is really a wonderful time of the year. Days are getting longer, spring is coming, summer... it's all ahead of us. I love it. That's some of the reasons why I hesitate to move, at least moving the SAD-bear, if there are other reasons than the four months of dark... well, that's a different thing.
Any way, as you've probably guessed by now, one of the biggest issues with this problem is that you, or rather that I, become very tired during the darker ages, or months. Most have probably noticed that a couple of days of rain or snow, a few days without sun and you feel a lot less energetic than on the sunnier days. If you can imagine that in a greater scale then that's how it feels. Winter here is darker than a few rainy days and the SAD-bear is also more sensitive to the dark. The mood can vary some and on the sunny days you can feel better. But the wish to sleep it all away is always present. And I feel tired even on the brightest sunniest of days.
I become very antisocial. This winter I've even withdrawn from my online friends. It was as if I realized that having one thousand plus follower on Instagram or five thousand five hundred plus on Twitter meant nothing. I was still alone. Right there and then I was alone. And in a way that was how it should be. Fear of rejection, feeling worthless, hopeless, I Came to the conclusion I was better off alone. No one can hurt you if no one's there, right? So I took some time off from all social media and from all my friends. Took some time off to think. My life did pass before my eyes the way they say it does when you're about to die, only in a slower pace. It took some time to go though it all.
The things I normally find fun is just not that appealing anymore, when I go all SAD-bear on life. Don't get me wrong, photography is still fun, nature is very beautiful even in winter, but... The hours of daylight are very few, it's easy to oversleep. Pictures in the dark can be nice too, but there's a limit to how many pictures of the dark you can post. In my opinion anyway. Photography without Instagram isn't as fun, so there you go. Besides, most of the time I feel too tired anyway. I prefer to keep sleeping.
Writing is also fun, normally. You can do that inside and the computer, or pen and pad, isn't tied to daylight. A lamp is quite good enough. But when you're tired and sleepy, concentration is difficult. SAD-bears often find it difficult to concentrate. They can often feel worthless and hopeless instead. And tired. Besides, what do you have to write about if all you do is sleep?
When I was pre writing this on a pad, yes people, I have actually put some work in for a change. But I forgot one thing that the phone has been kind enough to remind me of. (Sarkasm!!!) SAD bears are often rather irritable. And to be completely honest I've feared for my roommate's safety. So many times I've wanted to throw this stupid phone and it's stupid auto correct in the wall, probably the one over her bed. Thank God I'm nearly done. I mean... remind become reindeer... How? Why? I don't get it.
Finally and something that makes life rather difficult, arms and legs feel so heavy. It feels as if it is impossible to move them. If you can't move your legs it's very difficult to get up, go out, take a walk, and therefore it's not possible to take any nice photographs. Walking is necessary and with my bad back it's difficult enough. The addition of snow and ice makes it more difficult. Pain can also defend on weather making it worse when it's cold in winter. Difficulty walking, slipper and uneven ground, more pain, heavy legs making them almost impossible to use. And of course, since you're always tired anyway, why not just keep sleeping?
Because the dark days are more or less behind us. Now's time for this SAD-bear to wake up.
Hope you're having lovely spring weather too. Just don't slip on ice. Take care!!!
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