New challenges and awesome friends!!!

Yesterday was a bad day. Today is not a good day, but still it’s a little bit less bad.

As I’ve written about before, when I started this blog, it’s based on the thousand words a day challenge which basically means you write a thousand words every day. Logical and nice, right? I have done that challenge before, and I have been doing it for a while this time. I don’t really count the days anymore. August first I added the new challenge of posting my thousand words in this blog and to make it work as a blog. I eventually managed to validate my ideas of sharing these challenges as my way of healing. I write to heal and I publish it because maybe it can be of help for someone else. The excuse we narcissistic writers use as explanation for our incredible need to share our thoughts and ideas with the world. Maybe it will help someone else. Maybe someone might find it entertaining. There are many ways to explain why I share all of this with you. I have talked about this before, and I probably will again.

As I said before, yesterday was a bad day. I was out crying in the wind, missing the comfort and safety I once had in my old dogs company. I was tired, I was sad, I didn’t go out until it was very late and very dark. I decided to add two new challenges to my attempt at healing myself. Sleep every night and go out every day. Sleeping went so, so, but I got a few hours anyway, eventually. Technically maybe not at night, but it’s okay sleeping at day now. It doesn’t get stupid hot anymore and people are at work. I even managed to go out while the sun still was up. The only problem is I am wasting a little bit too much money on gas and sandwiches than I really can afford right now, but let's spend it while I’ve got it. When I run out I run out. I feel it’s important right now that I get out of the house, and that I eat Something.

I visited a place today that I have passed basically every day since I’ve moved to the house I currently live in. It’s on the way to town, the way to work, the way to school. Ot it’s one of two possible roads to town, the closest. Every day I passed this hill by a bridge across a tine river, I do actually live on a large island though it isn’t really that obvious. You can go all the way around it by boat. I did a few years back and it’s really beautiful. But. There’s this really big hill on one side and on top of that hill is a bird tower, a tower for watching birds. There’s a great view in all directions. I’ve never been up there before and it was quite a climb for my poo back, I didn’t even go all the way- I found a bench and I stayed there for a long, long time. It was really beautiful even if I wasn’t even close to the top of the hill. I will definitely go back there and maybe next time I’ll make it all the way.

It feels a little bit better, but it’s still a long, long way to go before I can say it’s been a good day again. Sometimes I think that will never happen again. Sometimes it feels like the heart is literally breaking, physically. I have chest pain as if I was having real heart failure. Not panic attacks because trust me, I know what they feel like. This was a physical pain. It’s okay though. If I have a heart attack… nothing I can do about that is there?

I am not trying to die. I am sorry if I keep sounding as if I am. I still don’t want to live though, but that’s not exactly the same thing. I have promised my friends to try and I will. There are some people, some friends that just mean so much you just don’t want to let them down. Then there are some people I wouldn’t care if I broke a promise to, some people kind of don’t deserve the same amount of trust or care or something I can’t quite explain right now. But I guess those people are probably not exactly friends, are they.

I am fortunate though, in one way, because I do have some friends that are really amazing. Some I talk to basically every day, some a little bit more seldom, but I know they are always there. I know they are looking out for me, that they worry about me. I check on them too, the ones I know where to look for. Even if we are not speaking at all for some reason or another, I still check. And I do know they do too. That’s pretty awesome. People I haven’t talked to in months came out to ask why I had changed my name and pictures on my Twitter account. People who were quite mad at me when we had talked last. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter, that I don’t matter, that no one cares, why would anyone care? And then, all of a sudden they are all there, doing things that I’d never ever expected anyone to do. I can’t really tell what because it’s not really my place to tell when it involves other people, but you know how sometimes, not very often, but still…. when someone does something that is so awesome you just can’t believe it, you get a shock, but a good one, you cry, but it’s just too unexpectedly awesome. Don’t say that will never happen to you! I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Don’t say you don’t deserve it! I didn’t think I did. I never thought I’d deserve friends as awesome as these guys are, I still don’t but still… there they are. I love you guys!!!!

Done for the day. Passed my thousand words. Thank you and have an awesome day!!!!

Missing my old dog

Went out for a while this evening. Sat by the ocean in the freezing wind listening to the waves crashing into the rocks. I missed my old dog so much right then. There’s this special place where many people go for walks with their dogs. It’s a pier like thing of landfill material, rocks and such. It’s like a U-shaped path which create a pond like part in the middle, where the seabirds can have their nests close to the calmer water. I don’t know if you understand what I mean or if it’s even important.

I missed my old dog. Not only because we used to take walks out there, but because I haven't had a good day today. Usually when we went for our walks I’d let him run free, unleashed. He would never leave me. He could run ahead or stay behind but always keeping an eye on me. Never too far away. On a day like today though, he would never have left my side. He would have stayed close, sitting right beside me, leaning towards me. Even if this would have been the first time he got out today, even if he really needed to do what dogs do outside, he wouldn’t have. If I had a bad day he knew and he would not leave me for anything. I could almost feel him sitting there next to me though it’s a long time since he died. I wanted to hug him, bury my face in his fur and cry like I used to whenever things got too bad. He was so patient. A big strong cross between a Golden Retriever and a Collie. I never felt afraid going outside in the dark when he was with me. He would defend me, he was never afraid. Not even when there were fireworks on New Year's Eve. He’d sit next to me. Noise being too loud for his sensitive ears, but no sign of fear. Thunder storms that would have sent other dogs under the bed and me inside crying didn’t bother him either. Unfortunately in that case, because they did bother me.

I sat there listening to the ocean for a long, long time tonight. Crying, missing my dog… Thinking how I was sitting there, feeling miserable… at a place where so many people have ended their lives. It’s a perfect place to drive your car straight out into the ocean. The road from town, or where I live, lead in a very long and straight line straight out into the water. You can go in very high speed if you want to and it’s very deep. I knew a guy who were a volunteer firefighter at the closest station and they would be the first to arrive. Long before they could make it from town. He had many tragic stories to tell. That’s why I know. The water looked very cold and dark tonight though.

There were a few other cars passing me as I was sitting there. Passing very slowly. It’s at the end of the road, no one lives there, no stores, not really a reason for anyone to go there. Except to listen to the ocean in a freezing wind, too dark to walk the dog and no ferries in the middle of the night. Without my strong, brave dog to protect I got a little bit concerned about these people checking me out. I kind of got a little bit scared out there all alone in the dark nothingness where no one would hear me scream. To be honest no one would even if there had been people close by, it was way too windy.

I’m home now, so nothing bad happened. I didn’t do anything foolish and I didn’t let anyone else either. I left. I think that was a smart move.

It has not been a good day today. I have been very sad, I have been crying a lot and I do really not want to live. The cold, dark ocean was just not the place to go. I have promised my friends. I’m just saying it has been a bad day. And it feels like such a long day despite the fact that I woke up at 4 pm. I didn’t get much sleep during the moon eclipse events, couldn’t sleep at all the following day and it was a late night on top of all that. I am more and more realizing that sleep is good for me. Being up isn’t. Time to go back on the sleeping pills maybe. Stop talking to the overseas friends all night. Stop talking to… waiting for… If you don’t know what I mean, never mind. He’s livestreaming as I am writing this, by the way. Never mind.

It does feel a little bit better after I have been outside though it was late, it was dark, I couldn’t take any pictures. Maybe going out, getting fresh air is good for me too. I got a lot of fresh air, it was really windy.

Maybe I should, for once in my life, try to find some routines that are good for me and stick with them. I have managed, kind of, to keep up with the thousand words a day challenge, with the blogging to heal. I was gone a month, but I didn’t have any Internet. That’s why. Maybe I should challenge myself to a good night’s sleep routine as well as a walk a day routine. Preferably going out in the daylight. Pretty soon the darkness is going to get to me. When that happens a walk a day in daylight will be very important. Being sad and suffer from SAD at the same time is just too much. SAD - seasonal affective disorder, depression because of the dark. Happens to us living in the north. Daylight is just in too short supply during the winter. I’ll try to implement these new challenges into my daily affairs and update you on my progress I guess. I keep telling you about everything else going on so why not.

I’ve more than a thousand words now so I’ll stop here.

Thank you and I hope you’ll have a better day than I’ve had.

Picture of a beautiful day

I am tired again, have not been sleeping again. It’s just that the night time, when I should be asleep… that’s when I have people to talk to. Otherwise I am pretty much alone with my thoughts and that’s not a good thing at the moment. Besides yesterday was the moon day. Did you see it? I did. It was worth staying up for. Not that 4 am is a big deal for me anyway. Normally I can sleep during the day though. Get at least a little bit of sleep, a few hours. But bills must be payed and now that I finally have some money again it’s a little bit easier. Except for the fact that the thing I need to log in to my Internet bank is broken and I must pay to get a new one. Or go into town to the bank. So no sleep today. Yet.

It’s nothing new. The sleeping part. I’ve even mentioned how the non sleeping part makes the sad part so much worse. I do not recommend not sleeping when you’re in a bad place. I probably shouldn’t recommend taking more sleeping pills that the doctor ordered either, so don’t do that. I think that I will go back to doing that though. I need to sleep and I can’t on my own. Or with only one pill. This is bad, I know. There’s just not that much else I can do.

I go out every day, last night I was even out for a while around midnight. Looking at the moon. It was beautiful. The moonlight’s reflection in the water. The Ocean. Finland’s on the other side. Just a few hours by ferry. I go out, I take walks. As long as I can before the pain. It’s been bad a couple of days now. I walked too far the other day. It felt okay then, but it’s payback time now. I take pictures. Not with a camera, but with my tablet and my cell phone. There’s Macro on the tablet, gives me more options. More to toy with. It’s been sunny a couple of days now. Beautiful September days.

Had a little bit of a scare today. No, not a spider this time, but still. I can relate to Minecraft. That game I’ve told you about. Walking around in the Minecraft world I get lost. In the real world… taxi driver as I am… I should really not have this easy to get lost. I was driving around. Looking for new locations to walk and take pictures. NEW places. Places I never been, well it was a long time ago. Tiny roads in the forest going this way and that way and how would I ever know which way was home. No map, only trees and my phone… Did I mention I finally have money? For a while I didn’t have that much. I did actually not have any. At all. Paying the phone bill or food? Phone bill or food? My cell phone is cut off. So is my tablet. I can call the emergency number but that’s it. No houses, only trees. Everything looking kind of the same. But you know, I’m home now. The road I was on just made a loop so I ended up where I started. Lucky me!!! Yeah? No, I don’t think so. Not time for lucky me right now. I’m tired and sad. Could have been worse, maybe. Tired, sad and lost. I had a sandwich with me and it’s not that cold yet. I could have done lost for a while. Would have given me something to think about instead of… Never mind.

I’m going to write this and then I’ll take my pills and sleep. Five pm, perfect time to go to bed. Dinner time. Not really that hungry. Ate a sandwich at one. I’m even boring myself though. I’m sorry. I’m forcing my thousand words today. They do not come voluntarily. Connecting with Swedish people today on Instagram. I guess that is what happens when you use #Sweden. Right? If you want to see my photos, just ask and I’ll let you know how to find me. Here, Twitter, Google plus, wherever. It’s nothing special, just views from around my home. I mostly photograph nature. Or try to get a good picture of my cat. She doesn’t like being photographed. I can relate. I don’t either. It’s not a selfie account. Or party people. I started taking pictures when I realized how many amazing views I passed when out and about with the taxi. And I have tried to keep it up even after the accident. It’s a nice way to get out again. That’s one thing I really loved about driving a taxi. You were out there all the time. No matter what weather or season, or time of day. You never knew where you would end up during the day. Some journeys were very long. Sometimes it would be five or six hours, one way. And the all the way back again. Passing many beautiful places. I miss that. There is a special feeling of freedom getting in a car and just drive.

Met so many people too. The stories I have about the people!!! Some talk some don’t. Some you spent hours with on those long drives. Some just a few minutes. And in between there was a lot of time alone. To think, to listen to music, really loud, sing. I loved all of it. The other drivers, no matter what company. We all got along. The town isn’t that big. We knew each other. I want that job back, but the company is no more. Bankrupt a year ago. Eh, well. I can’t work anyway. The doctors still don't allow it. To be honest, I could really use the money too. I may be greedy, but I kind of like to eat at least once per day. Whether I am hungry or not.

Guess I made it today after all. One thousand words. Thanks if you made it this far. Sorry I was so boring. We can sleep now…

A sense of humor to keep you sane

Foot note at the top of the page because there are no foot notes in this app. The "you" I talk to in the beginning isn't you, the reader. You, the reader appear later a long with a very uninvited house guest and I don't mean my roommate.

I feel physically ill, still. It’s as if every ounce of strength I ever had has been drained from my body. I’m literally shaking like a leaf. I can’t do this, I can’t talk to you about this. Why I said the things I said. My world had just ended, what did you expect? I wanted you to feel the pain I felt, I wanted you to be as shocked as I was. Obviously for other reasons, but still. Four weeks and not one single word? What did you think I was going to do or say when I found out, because you must have known I would. Right? The name, too easy to find on your best friends, you “sister’s” photos. You really should have told me instead of letting me find out like that.

I’m an idiot for talking to you. Why do I? Why?

I know she exists. I know she’s still there. Could we just not talk about her? I knew this was going to happen, I told you so.You’d find someone else and leave me. I knew that. I told you that I knew someday some lucky girl would end up with you, but it wasn’t going to be me. I told you, but you didn’t believe me. Said I was silly. I was right. Being right is more important than anything. It’s all I have left. Dignity left when I answered your message as soon as you sent it. If I had known what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten my Internet back. I wouldn’t be talking to you, I couldn’t be talking to you. I’d probably be drinking with my roommate who seems to have stumbled back into my house again. I’m glad he’s back though, my roomie. I really shouldn’t be alone right now, even if he is drunk.

I’m an idiot. I should have my keyboard taken away from me. My tablet so I can’t use it. I’m drunk texting my ex while completely sober. Or am I? There’s clearly something wrong with me.

Got so sidetracked by a spider appearing right next to my left hand while typing. The big kind with long legs. They all move into my bedroom when it becomes too cold outside. I don’t like spiders, but I would be kind of okay with them hiding from the cold in here if they only could stay away from my bed and me, but they don’t. It’s like they must come find me even if I kill them, which I do. Years of playing Minecraft has taught me at least one useful skill. Punching trees with my hand? Not so much, but I can kill spiders. Achievement get: Monsterhunter. Oh, yeah!!!

Told you I’m an idiot didn’t I?

And if you don’t know what Minecraft is… Seriously? You really should know what Minecraft is. Google it! Sorry, that was mean. I apologize. It’s a game, there are spiders. They are huge and will kill you if you don’t kill them first. Playing Minecraft during spider invasion season causes many occasions for screaming like the idiot I have so clearly stated that I am. There are also trees that you can cut down by punching them with your hands without a tool. Don’t try that at home! That hurts and the tree will not fall. There’s a lot of other things too. Too much for me to get into right now. It’s a game, most people I know play that game. It’s fun. If you haven’t tried it… Do! But be careful around the spiders, some are very poisonous.

Moving on…

I wish it was that easy. Just say the words and you’d be somewhere else. Whether it’s physically or mentally or just feeling differently for a change. Life just isn’t that easy. But for some strange reason… After having a talk with the one I can’t hate, the one I always forgive… After a talk with a mutual friend of ours… After screaming like a gamer boy before killing the spider, taking its first and last picture and sending it to everyone I know to freak them out…

Who am I kidding? Life is still over rated.

Should I mention the gamer boy reference? Okay, I will. In so many videos and live streams have I heard these gamer boys say: “I screamed like a little girl”. But personally, they are the only ones I’ve ever heard scream like that. I’ve never heard any girl little or big scream like they do. Unless she’s a gamer girl. Or me. Hm. Maybe I’ll have to rethink this…

Someone told me on Twitter yesterday… Yes, I still do Twitter, not like before, but still. This guy, one of my new followers and I had a little conversation. He said: “A sense of humor keeps you sane and intelligent”. I quoted the typical Life of Brian song: “Always look on the bright side of life”. He’s crucified!!! My physio therapist say I use humor to hide from reality. My two favorite morning radio talk show people say that humor is a way to deal with the things that are too scary and/or horrible. I’m not laughing, I’m not smiling. I’m just using my sarcastic vein to cope. It doesn’t mean that I am fine. But maybe it means that today, it was a little bit easier to stay alive, whatever the reason. And at the end of the day that’s still quite an achievement isn’t it?

It’s not the end of my pain. Not even the beginning of the end. But maybe the end of the beginning. Who was it that said I use a lot of cliches? I think it was the same person who asked me if all sand dwarves was as stupid as I was. I lost you when my Skype went crazy on me and forced me to update to a useless version I since had to replace yet again. I have no old contacts left and I can’t find you either. All my info is gone.

The sand dwarf? That a Lords of Minecraft thing. And as everything regarding Lords of Minecraft and me, it’s complicated. That became my standard reply, my slogan, but it’s true. And it’s also true in real life. It’s complicated.

Thanks for visiting!!! Wish you all the best!!!

Maybe we’ll meet again.

Still in this black hole...

I am sorry for not editing, I can't read what I write. Maybe you shouldn't either. I just know I'm in this deep black hole and I have no idea how to get up again. I'm afraid that soon they are going to start filling this hole up with me in it. I guess I am trying to tell them I am down here, help me get up...

So it would appear as if I am back again. Hopefully I can manage to keep my Internet working now for a while. I am not sure if I can stay though. If you read my previous post you know I am not exactly feeling to good at the moment. Quite the contrary, to be honest. But as I said before, I think, I have promised to try to stay alive so I try. I don’t know if I said that, I didn’t read my last post before I published it. I don’t remember what I wrote and to some degree I don’t care. It’s as if nothing really matters anymore. And maybe, in my case, that’s a good thing. I have a new Instagram account and after only a few days I have five times as many followers as my previous got in almost a year. My photos get likes from people other than my friends, who are kind of obligated to like my stuff, right? I go out and take new pictures every day, more or less. I take the walks that are so important for the healing of my body. My back doesn’t hurt as much or maybe I just can’t feel it anymore since this new pain is so much stronger. There’s no way you can understand how it hurts even if I could find a way to remove the pain from my person and put it in writing. The razor blades cutting my throat with every breathe I take. The amount of force I need to exercise to even be able to draw another breath when all I really want is to stop altogether. I know, I promised. I try. There’s this heavy block of emptiness in my chest making it practically impossible. I can’t eat, food just piles up in my mouth, swallowing is another razor sharp pain in my throat. A throat so closed it feels like I am choking. It feels as if I had those big, squeezing hands trying to strangle me again. Not that I remember what it felt like. I just remember it wasn’t a scary thought, knowing I was going to die. I was ready to go. I wish I had. That he had held on just a second longer or squeezed just a little bit harder. If I really had died that day, in that walk-in closet room I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t have felt anything. I would have missed out on everything that came before as well. Do I wish it all to be gone? That nothing ever happened? Do I regret ever being me, the Ishi I am to most of you? Ishi, who will be one year old in November. I hate her. Yes, I think I wish she’d never been. But no. I don’t think I really mean that. I don’t want everything to be gone. There were good times. I think. Maybe. Before the pain, I think some times were good, maybe not worth it considering, but I can’t really tell. All I know is that I am not really feeling too well. I feel sick. And my head is hurting from all the crying. How can I still have so many tears? I feel like I should be drained from all fluids by now, but they keep coming. Probably will for a long time. Probably… I say that wrong, apparently. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Remember how I used to freak out about my English, my accent, spelling, grammar? I don’t care anymore. Doesn’t matter anymore, nothing matters anymore. So, it’s not perfect! Sue me! I’ve stopped caring.

I’m not really sure if anything matters anymore. Why do I care that my new Instagram has more followers than the old one? Or that my photos get likes? It’s stupid. Same with my twitter. I did always follow back but that kind of ended when I lost my WiFi. Recently I tried to catch up and now I have loads of people following me again. Spamming follows. I don’t care about my twitter anymore, I only kept it to talk to my bestie anyway. And how else would my old Pokemon friend find me after all this time to get the sweet revenge only karma can provide. I am talking about my main account not the LoM one. Although I don’t really care too much about any account as such I still care about the people from the lords of Minecraft server and from Phedran’s. Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me. More than you can imagine. I’m the type of person who runs and hides when thing get bad. I don’t ask for help. Maybe that’s why I am writing all of this in a blog instead of finding a friend to talk to. I get to vent while still keeping my distance. I know people will read it, people I know, people who might comment and/or try to talk to me about it, but right now I can kind of pretend that isn’t the case. I mean it’s not like I am talking to someone in particular. I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I don’t know why I am doing this. I read on Instagram, hahaha, my new addiction, before it used to be I read on Twitter… Someone on Instagram had a quote, I don’t remember who from, but it said that we have a need to share. What we write, our photos, our thoughts. Maybe they help others, maybe not. At east if you follow me you will always be reminded that you aren’t the weirdest person on earth, you’re not the craziest, most pathetic, saddest, not the most depressed or hurting person still alive. Not the only one trying the best you can to stay alive though there seems to be very little point in going on. I will always be that person and I have the nerve to put it in writing and publishing it to the world, for anyone to read as if anyone would be interested. Either way is fine by me. I don’t care anymore. Nothing really matters anymore anyway. I’ve lost everything that ever had any meaning, but I still try to stay alive through every painful breath I take.

To be hurt or not to be at all

As we all know the only way we can go is forward, there’s no turning back. I’m standing in the middle of an intersection and the road behind me are just memories. The road in front of me, the path I was on has been closed, dug up, is no more. And I have no idea where to go now.

I am in hell, trying to choose where to go next. One road leads to continuous extreme pain, exactly like the pain I am feeling right now. I wake up in the morning and the pain hits me like a freight train on maximum speed. All I do is cry, and I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills for more pills, to try to fall asleep again. I don’t want to be awake, it hurts too much. I can’t breathe, I feel sick, want to throw up. I have nothing to throw up but pills. Can’t eat, any food I put in my mouth feels like I’m chewing paper, sticking to the inside of my mouth, making me sick. I can’t swallow anything. I am not hungry anyway.

I can’t live like this. I don’t care that it’s morning, I take my pills and try to go back to sleep. I don’t care that it’s time to get up and do something. I don’t care about appointments. I don’t care about anything. Nothing matters anymore. I give up.

There’s no healing this. Really no point in writing about it, I can’t heal this. I can barely write because of my tears making the keyboard right in front of me almost impossible to see, the words on the screen are just a fuzzy black mess I can’t read. I don’t know why I try.

The other road I could take is the one leading to that place you don’t come back from.

Listening to Awolnation “Maybe I should cry for help. Maybe I should kill myself.” I don’t know.

I never knew anything could hurt this much. It makes my back pain seem like a mosquito bite and I bare feel those. It does literally feel as if my heart is breaking, being torn to pieces and crushed under the soles of heavy army boots. I can’t breathe. I feel physically ill. And it doesn’t get any better.

I don’t know what to do. It feels as if my life has ended, no point in going on, nothing matter anymore anyway.

My health is bad, my diabetes doesn’t seem to be controllable and that’s just one of my problems. I have panic attacks all the time now, anxiety levels that are insane. THen there’s my injuries from the car crashes. My neck giving me pain and migraines, my back that hurts so bad I can barely walk enough to get my groceries from the local tiny store. I can’t work because of all that so It doesn’t really matter that I lost my job a year ago when the company I worked for went bankrupt. It does matter though, I am now too ill to work and unemployed, that means different rules for receiving the pay I am entitled to. In May my sick.days were over and I had to get registered as unemployed for three months. That means I was entitled to unemployment pay, but they needed papers about my salary from my previous boss. With the company not existing anymore and the boss having changed phone numbers I couldn’t get those papers. I only got the lowest low of pay. No problem they say, you’ll get money from the social services people. In theory, but no I didn’t. They found some bank account with a little money on. An account I had totally forgotten about so no social benefits for me. And the fun part was that the money counted not only for the month when we found them but also for the next month. For the entire summer I got enough for food only, no bills got paid because I had no money. In July I didn’t even get enough for food. In August I got nothing at all. I lost my phone, my tablet was closed down, and finally I lost my WiFi. I didn’t have any money for food or anything. No family or friends to borrow from.

One thing kept me going through all of that, but it turned out I had really lost that too. Now I have nothing to keep me going, to keep trying to get things back on track. I still owe too much money. I may be forced to leave my house. My health is still bad, my injuries still a big problem, but my new pain is what really makes me give up. I have no reason to go on anymore. I have lost everything.

I have no family to turn to. Last time I saw my mother was when the police removed her from my garage a year ago. I have no siblings except some half brothers but we were never really close and when our dad died we had no reason to meet anymore. They are a lot older than me. Besides I never have forgiven them for not telling me when their sister, my half sister died, I had to find out from the obituary in the local morning paper.

My friends were mostly party people and when I couldn’t keep up with them anymore they eventually left without me. They don’t care about someone who can’t party with them anymore. My closest friends are too busy with their own lives, and now when we can’t phone or text each other they are gone too. The only friends I have are online and I just lost my closest online friend.

Never try to leave the friend-zone if you have a friend you really care a lot about. When the relationship ends you lose your friend as well. I don’t know which hurts more.