Never ending panic attack

Some people say, when things aren\t (which would be aren’t if Windows 10 wouldn’t change the keyboard to English all the time) good. That at least things can’t get worse. Things can only get better. I say that too. In real life though there seems to be no limit to how bad things can become. It seems as if there’s always a new level of bad. Yesterday I was tired, it was too warm to have a good rest during the day and I felt exhausted the entire day. It was bad, but it would get better, right? In the evening it would get cooler and after a good night's sleep it would be better. Right? Theoretically. It was a plausible theory. Real life is not theoretical and things don’t get better just because they theoretically should, or would, or could.

I have panic attacks. I’ve had them for some time, but after my first hospital visit they have become even more frequent. After the second visit they have become worse. Or have they? Can you really call it a panic attack when it never ends? I’ve had a panic attack all day today. Maybe I should call it an anxiety attack, maybe I should just call it anxiety.

It hasn’t been that warm today. A little bit cloudy and it’s been fairly windy. But I have neighbors. The neighbor on one side of my house began very early to scrape something probably to have it repainted. I don’t know what, but with my window and balcony door open and because it’s so close to my neighbor it sounded as if he was working in my room. Forget sleeping. I was still really tired, but it was too noisy. I turn on my computer (thanks to Windows 10 it’s always turned off nowadays) I start watching Law and order (started from the beginning so it’s season 1). I have no speakers connected to my computer so headphones is a must and a good thing because it blocks all unwanted noise.

Later. When the scraping has finally ended another neighbor’s kid starts playing with his football (or soccer if you prefer that term). The kids here have a favorite place to play which is to the side of my house, kicking the ball against the wall. There is no noise as annoying as a bouncing ball against your wall. Especially not when it’s kicked really hard and I guess that’s the point of the wall. Kick it when it bounces back and you might even kick it over the roof of the two story building. Naturally it bounces off my plastic roof over my balcony and lands in my garden, on my flowers. None of my neighbors care very much about that inconvenience. Either way, no sleep.

After the kid finally tires my neighbor to the other side of me (not the painter, the other one) decides to have a meal or something on their terrass. Always talking very loud and today they have a fight too making it even worse. I don’t like that family. They have always been weird. Parking their car on my parking place or blocking my garage. For a while I had to go over to them every day and ask them to move something out of the way. They don’t even say hi when we meet outside anymore. I really dislike them since they scared my cat when he was just a kitten. They cut the grass so close to him, when I went to rescue him I could feel the heat from the lawnmower blowing on my hand. My cat was terrified, shaking. I should have known they don’t care about animals. They had a harness for their pet bunny and their kid would lift it high in the air so the bunny was dangling in it. They thought that was funny and laughed. I don’t think the bunny found it funny. People who are cruel to animals, there’s no way I could like them. And I can’t really stand their voices even. So, no sleep.

I don’t know where my anxiety came from today. Maybe it was just all those random noises that sometimes would be heard over the show noise or in the intervals between episodes. Maybe it was the thought of writing this blog. Maybe it was because I noticed I was almost out of yarn for my project. I’m crocheting blankets from granny squares. Maybe it’s all the other things I need to do in my house and home, but I’m procrastinating. Maybe it was the reminder that I should probably paint my balcony too. And around the windows. I should replant some of my potted plants, they are just babies I started growing after my first trip to hospital. I really love plants, but all my old ones have died. Feels good to start over. It’s an old interest I’ve returned to. Just like the crocheting.

Anyway…

While I was watching Law and order, special victims unit, I was crocheting, procrastinating and trying to fight my anxiety I thought that one reason is probably that procrastinating I’m so good at. I thought that maybe I would feel better if I at least could write this post and have one less thing to worry about. But just having that thought made my anxiety level rise so I decided that I’ll try that tomorrow instead. Which in a way also is a form of procrastination, but to be completely honest, I think my entire life is about procrastination in one way or another. I don’t know how to fix it. Well, I do know that the answer is really “the Nike way”. The only way to not procrastinate is to “Just do it”. But I can’t.

Maybe it is part of some diagnosis or other, something I have as a symptom of something. Maybe it’s ADHD or ADD. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I have it or not. The only thing I’m sure of is that most of my procrastination isn’t exactly voluntary, my choice or my wish. I just don’t know how to just do it. Plans or schedules or deadlines only works sometimes for some things and then it’s mostly just for a while anyway. In the long run I’ll probably procrastinate everything.

I’ve filled the quota for today, over one thousand words, and this was not what I intended to write about, but anyway…

Thank you and take care!!!

Chronically ill and spoons of energy

Day three and it almost looks like my fear of failing will come true. It’s been a terrible day (and I am really upset with windows ten always putting my computer to sleep and changing my keyboard to English so it becomes impossible to type). It’s a long story and it’s complicated the same way it always was when I was playing Minecraft on the Lords of Minecraft server (does that still exist?) I’ll try to explain, but I have to start from the beginning. Hoping that Alphaville and the sweet scent of lilacs will help me through this day.

It was my first stay in the hospital, which lasted practically all of February. I had told one of the nurses or doctors that I would often forget to take my medicine. I was wondering if they knew of a way that I could get someone to help me remember. That was a bad idea. The solution they had was that some nurse would come to my home several times per day and that the medicine would be kept in a locked cupboard or safe like thing, which I would have to buy. That did not sound like a good idea to me so I told one of the nurses in hospital that it wouldn’t work and that I would not cooperate with that idea. I refused. That lead to a long discussion with the top dog doctor (whatever you’d call such a person). Eventually we agreed on a compromise, I’d go to the medic center near where I live and pick up my medicine three times a week. I was not allowed to be in charge of my own medicine, for some reason the doctor didn’t want me taking too many. I’m not allowed to die. For some reason he thought I might do something stupid.

Going to the medic center three times a week just to pick up meds doesn’t sound too difficult, does it? It’s easy. On paper it is. For anybody else than me it most likely is. To me it isn’t, but to explain that to other people has been very difficult.

The second time I was in the hospital, which was most of April, there were a lot of meetings about the state of things at home and how we could make it work with the help I’m supposed to have. I tried to explain that for the month I had been at home, that was March. It had been stressful enough to go get my medicine all the time and that the days I was “free” I really needed my rest. Why? How do you explain something so complex you don’t really know yourself. All you know is that you are exhausted from this seemingly simple task. I agreed to have a talk and make some kind of decision together with the people who decide these things. And just so you know, I’m one of the people who decides nowadays. I don’t just say yes to everything, it’s my house and my life and I know what help I want and need. Thing is though I came home from hospital this last time (please let it be the LAST time!!!) in the end of March and I have still not talked to them… so, yeah… hm…

Anyway, I found a post on Instagram, that helps me explain why it’s to tiring. It kind of explains how it is to live with a chronic disease and even if they maybe mean something other than the health problems I have it’s close enough. They said that we get a certain number of energy every day, which probably is true for all people, but for the chronically ill the number of spoons (their way of measuring the energy) they get every day is twelve. Then there were listed how many spoons you used for different things you do in a day. Getting up, getting dressed, watching TV took one spoon each. Taking a bath/shower, blowing your hair would take two spoons each. Preparing food and eating it three, going for a drive also three, going to the doctor four, going to the store was also four. I don’t remember all the examples, but the idea is to add up all the spoons you use in a day. It the number is higher than twelve then you have to take those from the next day leaving less energy for that day. You never get more than twelve though. When I add the spoons for the days I go to the medic center I always need more than twelve and I know that I am very tired the days in between.

The reason today has been such a terrible day started on Wednesday with the usual trip to get my medicine, and doing some quick shopping. In the afternoon I had to go to the hospital to meet my contact person. I didn’t get home until very late in the afternoon. And then I had to write my blog, that began again this Wednesday. Yesterday. Thursday, I had to go with my roomie to hospital so he could meet with his doctor. I drove around a bit, took some great pictures, but once again I came home very late. And then there was the writing. Today I was super tired, but I had to go get more medicine since it’s a long weekend. They don’t open until Tuesday. Besides the medicine I also needed to have some blood tests taken. One of my pills is messing up stuff I have to take a pill for the messed up stuff and they want to see if it’s working. I thought I would be able to sleep when I came home again, but I think it’s been the hottest day so far. No sleep possible, there are more cars with AC than houses in this country. Warm out means warm inside. Getting a little bit cooler now it’s almost 9 pm, but the sun is still up so….

Anyway, I’ll stop now. Thank you and take care!!!

Blogging to heal

Day two of blogging again. Day two of doing my writing public, of writing online, on the computer. It\s worse than yesterday, more anxiety than yesterday. Not because I'm afraid of writing online and such, or even fear of making it public. The problem is that I can’t write and hide at the same time. What I do all day otherwise is stream TV-shows or movies. Continuously all day and most of the night until I fall asleep. Theoretically I guess I could have something streaming while I write, but I think that would be too distracting. The resistance I feel about my writing is stronger than my will and/or need to write right now. So much time has passed since I did this every day I’m not sure I can do it. At the same time it’s not something new I’m trying for the first time and therefore find fund and exciting. I’ve done this before, I managed this blog before, but it’s as if everything that’s happened has or at least might have taken that ability away. So, there’s that and the fact that I can’t hide behind a TV-show right now. Alphaville is doing their best to keep outside disturbances to a minimum. Neighbors chatting, kids playing football (or soccer if you prefer). It’s been two lovely days, warm and sunny.

A while ago I read an article about blogging everyday and the author was of the opinion that it wasn’t such a good idea. The reason being it’s difficult to find a topic every day, it can also be difficult to find the time every day, but basically the problem was that it’s very hard to keep the same standard every day. He said it was better to just publish once a week or so. That would give time to do research, edit and work on the post before publishing. The varied quality of everyday blogging isn’t fair to the audience. It’s also possible to lose or miss out on followers because the standard of writing isn’t good enough. Everything he said was valid reasons to not blog every day. There’s a huge number of people who think blogging every day is good and even if I’m not going to mention any of their reasons they exist. I’m not the only one mad enough to try blogging every day. Reading that article I thought that maybe he’s right and what I’m doing is wrong. Today, day two of blogging again, today being the day after my first post, meaning I’m blogging everyday. I know, my writing, my sentences can be very weird and difficult. Today, though, when I am having anxiety levels that are too high because I have to keep writing, get into the routine, I can’t quit. But I wonder if every day is necessary. Necessary for me.

I’ll try to make sense of what I just wrote. I’m not deleting and starting over, I’m chasing numbers. One thousand words.

Why do I write every day? Well, the name of the blog is based on a challenge. The write one thousand words a day challenge. So that does kind of automatically lead thoughts to something done everyday. It is not easy when it’s a blog though. It’s boring if you write the same words every day over and over again. The topic of this blog has become my attempts at healing myself. Since I find the writing process helpful. My reasons may be very selfish, but maybe that can be helpful somehow, someday for someone else in a similar situation as I’m in.

I think the main reason for me to blog every day, to publish every day isn’t that it’s implied in the name of the blog. In my opinion it’s because if I do this every day and never stop, then I won't stop. One of the reasons I’m afraid of starting the blog up again is that I have stopped. Not only because the hospital visits stopped me, but also because I let other things come in between me and my blogging. The blog is supposed to help me heal, writing helps me sort things out, but I stopped when I really needed that help. I locked people out when I really needed the company. No matter what reasons I can mention to why I stopped, it’s excuses, not reasons. I didn’t just hide from panic attacks back then, I hid from the entire world. I am afraid I will let that happen again. That I’ll fail again. That’s why I’d rather watch TV than do this. And if you can imagine that this is something I love to do, but still there’s a part of me saying that maybe I shouldn’t. If it’s that difficult to do something I love, it’s no wonder it’s practically impossible doing the things I don’t even like.

I’m not good with routines. I get bored with all the things I’m supposed to do every day,with routines. So it’s not as if making it a routine makes it any easier. I might still have to force myself sometimes, but if it’s something I do every day it’s easier to do. Guess when I did my homework or studied for my tests. Last minute. Always. Maybe that’s my problem. Just realized I’ve always been living under the stress of things I need to do. Never able to relax because everything has been done. But that’s basically the things you do once and then you’re done. It’s not like household stuff that never ends, you’re never done. Have to make yourself do it. The Nike way - Just Do It!

I feel like this has been very complicated and difficult to understand. Probably because I’ve been procrastinating, have anxiety problems, TV show withdrawals and things like that. Mentioning procrastination I remember that’s something that can happen to ADHD people. There are plans of me being screened for ADHD, probably after the summer. There may be a reason I’m so good at it. Procrastination I mean. It’s not just a hobby - it’s who I am.

Made it! Thank you for visiting today! It’s summer - keep procrastinating!!!

Writing to heal

I’m going to try this again. It’s been kind of off and on this year, mostly off to be honest. Partly it’s been my fault, partly it’s been the doctors making me stay so long in hospital. Not just once, but twice. I have been writing, just not on a computer and definitely not online. Even if you have access to Internet and a charger it isn’t funny to write a thousand words on a cell phone. Add to that you have to count the words yourself. Internet access isn’t in a way guaranteed. There is a patient’s net, but that’s not in range in all parts of the hospital and naturally I was in one of those places where it was very difficult. If you didn’t have your own connection that is and since my phone had been disconnected for a year it cost me a lot to get it reopened. Open now, I have no idea how I could be without it for so long.

I have still been doing the thousand words a day challenge, in a way. The first thing I did when I had been shown around the first place I stayed at was get my hands on that pad I’d seen in one of the activity rooms, and a pencil from another room. Then I started writing and I never stop. I got so used to it I still usen pad and pencil to write.

Finding myself in that environment, where I couldn’t keep watching TV-shows all day and night I had to find something to ease my anxiety, my panic attacks. The only new medication I got was the most awful tasting liquid that works wonders if you want to sleep. It’s like a toothpaste on steroids, it’s not minty fresh, it’s minty death. But, like I said, it works. I’m almost living, and sleeping, in the right time zone. However, the anxiety, the panic attacks could still creep up on me both night and day. I found that writing about whatever was bothering me helped. My thoughts could be racing around my mind like formula one cars on a racetrack. I couldn’t catch them, stop them or do anything constructive with them. Except writing. When I wrote about whatever it was, often a lot of various things, the way I was thinking changed. Instead of just standing there with my head spinning as the cars were racing in my mind I could take control. It just happened without me doing anything but writing. I could sort out what was unimportant. Those thoughts would disappear as soon as I wrote them down. If someone had said something that disturbed me I could write about what they had said or done, how I felt and why they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I often find the right thing to say long after the conversation is over. It helps me to write that down. Most times I don’t even need to tell that other person about it. Other times it’s like a rehearsal for a necessary conversation I’ll need to have later.

The first place I was in we were two people sharing a room that really was supposed to be a single room. We didn’t have a lot of space as you might imagine. The other girl was having a very hard time and cried a lot in the dark. I didn’t want to disturb her so I often wrote in the dark. There was just enough light to see where I had written before. It was impossible to see what I wrote. Apparently the function of the writing isn’t to sort the race cars, hmm racing thoughts, out on a piece of paper. It’s the activity itself. The writing in itself makes the difference. Instead of helplessly watching the cars/thoughts fly by I gain control. And the thinking, the thoughts themselves become different. I guess I’m so used to writing for an audience, used to trying to make sense for others that the change becomes automatic.

Standing there, not being able to control your own thoughts, having them passing by so fast you almost don’t even know what it was… it’s scary. It kind of hurts in a way. I do realize that my hospital visits, unplanned as they were, have brought up a lot of things, have forced me to think about a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t think about. It made for a lot more material for my mind to play with. Let the overthinking begin!!! Or, I’d prefer not.

Since I came home from hospital this last time I’ve drifted more and more into the TV-shows again and I’ve almost been afraid of taking the blog up again. Last time. Oh, I do hope it’s the last time. I am so done with the hospital. Funny thing though, I’ve actually missed the hospital, almost wanted to go back. It was easy there. They wake you up in the morning with the medicine, you get dressed and go have breakfast. Them you make your bed, comb your hair and brush your teeth. The you rest until lunch. Then you rest until afternoon “fika”, that is tea or coffee and cookies and cinnamon rolls. Great for a diabetic, fortunately one of the other patients took 75% of it. Then you rest until dinner. The meals were microwaved, we could choose from a few courses. Well, not me. I’m allergic to onion, paprika and cabbage or whatever you call that vegetable family. Only sad part is that the kitchen interpreted no onion and that as no salt and no seasoning at all. Either way, after dinner you rest until evening “fika” and then you get your night medication and go to bed. At 8 pm?!?!

I know that this blog has helped me before. I want to get back to doing this blog again. I guess my fear might be of failing again. I’ve tried to get back, but it hasn’t worked. I don’t want to come back just to stop again. Anyway I’ve more than one thousand words now.

Thank you for your visit. I wish you a wonderful June, warm, sunny and with lots of ice cream to keep it cool.

It should have been me

Seriously, I quit. I give up. For real. Unfortunately my doctor could see right through me so he took away my medicine. He's not letting me be in charge anymore, I'm not allowed to have medication at home in an extent that I could overdose them. I didn't tell them that there are other ways to die, because then he'd never have let me out. But there are other ways.

I can't take this anymore, I'm never getting a break, a breather, it keeps coming faster and faster, one disaster after another. After a moth in hospital, now I finally get to go home, now I could spend some time with my cat, but it's too late. She was dead when I came home. And yesterday I was in such a stupid hurry to get back to hospital I didn't really have time to check on her. Now she's dead. She died all alone because some stupid doctor had to keep me a day longer in hospital. There wasn't really any reason. Maybe my cat still would have died, but she wouldn't have had to be alone. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking that good care of her lately.

It seems as if it doesn't matter what I do, it's always wrong. I can't even take proper care of my cat. And I should have known since last year when she ran away, that no one else would care enough about her to take care of her for me. You just can't ever trust anyone. Never, ever. But at least the people who were supposed to help me with things at home will be pleased now, it's a lot less work now that the cat is gone. It's so mean, but I am sure that's how they see it. Less job, they never see how much that cat meant to me or how terrible I feel about leaving her alone so much. And that she died alone as well. It's terrible. I was annoyed last time I was hone, because the people at the hospital took all day to arrange for me to go home over night, and then they wanted me back so early. I was just tired and upset about everything. And then my cat wasn't well either. She needed me and I let her down. I'm a worthless being. No reason for me to keep taking up space. It's easy for the doctor to say I should keep going, he doesn't have to be me. If he had to I'm sure he'd change his mind too. It's not any fun at all to be me. No point to be me. No use. There just isn't any reason at all for me to be here. Just because I'm in hell everyday, it's not like that takes the hell away from other people. If it did then there would be a point, but as it is now, there's just no point at all. I wonder what would happen if I went back to hospital saying that I'm giving it all up. I can't do this anymore.

My cat died. It's my fault. I should never have trusted anyone to take care of her. I should have let the hospital call animal shelter and let the take her. They could have helped her if she was ill too, not just leave her to die alone. I'm so stupid. I let my cat die all alone. It should have been me, not her.

SAD-bears dehibernation time

March first, it's time for SAD-bears to come out from hibernation. At least for this SAD-bear. The sun is shining, making the bright, white snow glitter. The birds are singing merrily in the tree tops again.

SAD stands for seasonal affective disorder and the way it makes me feel every winter has inspired me to compare myself more to a bear, sleeping all winter, than a monkey, or an ape, as Darwin suggested. That's why I keep calling myself a SAD-bear. I'm writing this blog post on my phone and it's not too easy keeping track of the changes auto correct makes. This is exhausting. The reason I'm writing on my phone is that I'm still in hospital. I thought I'd be home by now, but no such luck. Probably a lot my fault, but more about that later. Another problem I'm facing right now is that I have no other word counterpart than myself.

I spend about four months every year doing this impersonation of a bear bearely (hmmm) wanting to do anything other than sleep. One third of every year. It begins and enda roughly the same time every year, especially if the dark is the problem. I don't know too much about how it is to have the opposite SAD, to get depressed when it's bright and sunny, but it sure sounds awful. My problem is the dark and that means I should probably move. The further away from the equator you live the worse it gets. I live almost level with Fairbanks, Alaska, so you Americans get an idea where I live. I hope you Europeans know at least vaguely where northern Sweden is. If you live on the other side of the equator, I can't help you. I have no idea.

To feel lousy for one third of the year... it sounds insane, if you think about it like that. Moving closer to the equator, to a brighter place would probably make my problems a lot better. But it's so many other things I'd miss. During the summer the sun practically never sets. It's bright day and night. That could cause other problems, going to bed, to sleep when the sun's still up. You may not need an alarm to get up, but you could use one to remeber going to sleep. I'm not quite sure when you're day begins now, when the sun rises, but pretty soon we'll have caught up with you. This is really a wonderful time of the year. Days are getting longer, spring is coming, summer... it's all ahead of us. I love it. That's some of the reasons why I hesitate to move, at least moving the SAD-bear, if there are other reasons than the four months of dark... well, that's a different thing.

Any way, as you've probably guessed by now, one of the biggest issues with this problem is that you, or rather that I, become very tired during the darker ages, or months. Most have probably noticed that a couple of days of rain or snow, a few days without sun and you feel a lot less energetic than on the sunnier days. If you can imagine that in a greater scale then that's how it feels. Winter here is darker than a few rainy days and the SAD-bear is also more sensitive to the dark. The mood can vary some and on the sunny days you can feel better. But the wish to sleep it all away is always present. And I feel tired even on the brightest sunniest of days.

I become very antisocial. This winter I've even withdrawn from my online friends. It was as if I realized that having one thousand plus follower on Instagram or five thousand five hundred plus on Twitter meant nothing. I was still alone. Right there and then I was alone. And in a way that was how it should be. Fear of rejection, feeling worthless,  hopeless, I Came to the conclusion I was better off alone. No one can hurt you if no one's there, right? So I took some time off from all social media and from all my friends. Took some time off to think. My life did pass before my eyes the way they say it does when you're about to die, only in a slower pace. It took some time to go though it all.

The things I normally find fun is just not that appealing anymore, when I go all SAD-bear on life. Don't get me wrong, photography is still fun, nature is very beautiful even in winter, but... The hours of daylight are very few, it's easy to oversleep. Pictures in the dark can be nice too, but there's a limit to how many pictures of the dark you can post. In my opinion anyway. Photography without Instagram isn't as fun, so there you go. Besides, most of the time I feel too tired anyway. I prefer to keep sleeping.

Writing is also fun, normally. You can do that inside and the computer, or pen and pad, isn't tied to daylight. A lamp is quite good enough. But when you're tired and sleepy, concentration is difficult. SAD-bears often find it difficult to concentrate. They can often feel worthless and hopeless instead. And tired. Besides, what do you have to write about if all you do is sleep?

When I was pre writing this on a pad, yes people, I have actually put some work in for a change. But I forgot one thing that the phone has been kind enough to remind me of. (Sarkasm!!!) SAD bears are often rather irritable. And to be completely honest I've feared for my roommate's safety. So many times I've wanted to throw this stupid phone and it's stupid auto correct in the wall, probably the one over her bed. Thank God I'm nearly done. I mean... remind become reindeer... How? Why? I don't get it.

Finally and something that makes life rather difficult, arms and legs feel so heavy. It feels as if it is impossible to move them. If you can't move your legs it's very difficult to get up, go out, take a walk, and therefore it's not possible to take any nice photographs. Walking is necessary and with my bad back it's difficult enough. The addition of snow and ice makes it more difficult. Pain can also defend on weather making it worse when it's cold in winter.  Difficulty walking, slipper and uneven ground, more pain, heavy legs making them almost impossible to use. And of course, since you're always tired anyway, why not just keep sleeping?

Because the dark days are more or less behind us. Now's time for this SAD-bear to wake up.

Hope you're having lovely spring weather too. Just don't slip on ice. Take care!!!

Hospitals and Internet

Do you have a modem? A router? Do you have a cat? Does your cat think it's cosy to sleep on your modem/router? Mine does. Does your modem or router disagree on the cosyness of said so much that it prefers to die? Mine does. I've now lost one of each to my cat's sleeping habit. This time I still have a valid warranty though, so I should be able to get a new one. If only I had a way of connecting with my Internet provider. My phone is still off line and I'm not well so I can't go down town. Yesterday, when my social services person accompanied me to town we only had time to go to the bank. Can't pay bills without Internet. Can't pay bills without a login thingy either. I was just thinking about ordering a new one when the router gave up on me. In a way that was a good thing. At the bank my assistant managed to get me one for free. Anything you get for free is great. Especially when you're broke, like me.

What happens after that? For how long can you be too ill to get Internet up and running again? That depends on what happened then… I ended up in hospital and I wasn’t allowed to go out to fix these things. To begin with I had no charger with me so my phone quickly ran out of power. When I got hold of a charger and got back being one of the power-full phones I had to move to a different ward and their WiFi was the worst ever. Not only was it awfully slow, it was such a weak signal it would go on and off, most of the time it was out of range. It was practically impossible just to like pics on Instagram. At least I got a chance to tell people I still was alive. Twitter though, my phone has a very strange way of dealing with Twitter, most people I wanted to message didn’t have an account anymore, which made me very sad because I really missed talking to them. Turns out that was just my phone version of Twitter being too lazy to look for them. They are still there.

Eventually someone agreed to take me to town to sort things out, hopefully once and for all, so right now all my accounts are open. It’s so amazing to have a working phone again. My rehabilitation coordinator was so glad when I called her. Finally people can reach me again. Unless they have forgotten all about me during the time I’ve been phoneless.

Anyways, this isn’t a regular blog post. I’m only at home over the weekend. There’s apparently a new wave of influenza hitting the hospital right now and until they have figured this out they wanted as many patients as possible to go home unless they have to stay because of their treatment and stuff, which I don’t. I got loads of medication in tiny paper bags and tubes. My diabetes is perfect right now, perfect levels of blood sugar, I had high blood pressure, but that’s down too and there’s an amazing drug that tastes like super duper, heavy duty minty toothpaste, but I sleep like a kitten. I would say baby, but most babies I’ve met aren’t really sleeping as much as you’d think and they have been very fussy and crying. Kind of more like I was before. Kittens sleep a lot do, as does older cats, more sleepy time than awakey time, though I am actually up at day now, feeling very grown up and responsible.

I do, however, plan to reopen my blog later and I have a lot to say. I might even try to write a book, though that’s a very big undertaking, especially for someone who’s afraid of failing and who knows she’s never good enough. I have been writing very much during my two week long stay at the hospital and, even if I might not be able to write a complete book, at least I’ve got a lot to write about for my blog and it fits perfectly. Because, as you probably know, hospitals are all about healing. When I go back, though I can bring my own charger and I have my own mobile Internet, it’s difficult to write on my phone. I guess I could bring my laptop, but I don’t have Internet on that one and no word program. So I guess I won’t do that. I’ll try to keep up with Instagram and Twitter, write on a pad with a pen and be back with the real deal on March first, when I hopefully am home for good. I like the idea of starting over on the first day of a new month. Easier to keep track on how long I’ve been going with this challenge. Right now I just wanted you to know what’s going on and why I disappeared so suddenly again. At least so you know that I am okay and I will be back. I am going back to hospital on Tuesday to talk to my doctor and try to figure out what they can do for me. There’s talk of more medication and such, but nothing has been decided yet. I’ll tell you all about it when it has been. Has been decided, that is.

I wasn’t really aiming for a thousand words this time, but I’m using Google Docs which has a word counter so obviously I still check in on it. Just for fun. I am getting really close now, so I guess I’ll just add a few words more to make the magic number. Even though I didn’t really try, old habits die hard (not just Bruce Willis apparently) and I’m still trying. If I count all I’ve written by hand today already I’m definitely beyond one thousand words.

Take care people, for most of us spring is on the way and things are looking brighter every day. Thanks for reading!!!

Bad blue light

Is there anyone else besides me that have problems sleeping? Problems with falling asleep, or not sleeping long enough? Do you use your phone or tablet before going to sleep? One final check on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram? Read an e-book? Play a lot of video games on your computer at night? Watch TV shows or movies on your computer before going to sleep? All the things that I do. Well. Research says that the blue light from these screens has a negative effect on the sleeping center. Normally we’re supposed to wake up when it gets light outside and get tired and fall asleep when it gets dark. I think I heard or read somewhere that normal electric light disturbs that routine, but the blue light from phones, tablets and computer screens does apparently have a measurable impact. Makes it more difficult to fall asleep and can also cause sleep to last for a shorter time than it otherwise would. A couple of hours away from these screens before going to bed can be the solution to, at least, some sleep problems. I am a big consumer of blue light screens and I have serious sleep problems. Coincidence? I had sleep problems before my smart phone and tablet too. They didn’t say anything about TV, but I believe that has a similar blue light. That’s what it looks like if you stand outside and look into a room where the TV is on, anyway.Maybe I should try, but what would I do instead of my NCIS LA until I fall asleep. I am not on Twitter as much as before and I try to be moderate with Instagram. I don’t play the video game on my phone either. Right now I am knitting a warm scarf, so my hands are kept busy for tonight anyway.

Last night I did fall asleep at a reasonable hour and I woke up early this morning. I have not slept anything during the day and I’m beginning to feel a little bit tired. I have been rather tired though so the cooking part has been nonfunctional. There’s always something not working, isn't there?

I didn’t go and get a new headset either. A friend suggested I should, so I can make Minecraft videos, but it’s not as if I ever did any talking in them before so there’s not really anything that suggests I’d do that now either. And for Skyping I guess I could download the app to my phone. That way it could be used as something that at least has some phone similarities and not just as a camera. Not having a mic would also be the perfect excuse for not going on Teamspeak if I ever should go back online on a server with other people.

To be honest, I have been feeling really sick about that all day. Should I go and buy a new headset or not. Today was the last day they were on sale. For now. But the ones I want are still very expensive and I don’t have that much money. In a way I think I still might want them. At least when it’s summer again, windows open, people outside, too much noise to sleep. My old headset was very good at blocking out surrounding sounds. People I’d Skype with would hear people talking outside my house and I wouldn’t.

I’ve been having panic attacks, even though I’ve taken a lot of pills. Nothing would make me feel better. My stomach hurts and I feel sick, as if I’m going to throw up. I feel weak, as if my legs wouldn’t carry me if I tried to walk. Head hurting, tired, sleepy. It’s amazing how many physical symptoms I can have when there’s something scary I have to do. Or, I didn’t have to, maybe I just wanted to. But at the same time. It was a lot of money I don’t have. Well. I do have them right now, but I do also have bills I need to pay. Technically I guess I could buy a cheaper set, but that can be expensive too. Sometimes you get more if you pay more. Sometimes cheap isn’t good enough. The perfectionist talking. And that’s so weird considering I have practically only used the headphones part of the set. Microphone and me is not that close friends. It’s just that… I was kind of thinking that I should try anyway. The fact that the set broke is a perfect excuse to get away from doing that challenge, to actually have a video where I talk. It’s really stupid how I just can’t do it. Maybe in the future, if I can save some money I can afford to get a new headset and try to make that video with my crummy voice and my crappy accent. Never good enough.

It’s a little bit funny though, how I can be so completely unable to talk and not have the same problem at all when it comes to writing. I mean, it’s not as if I believe myself to be an expert at writing in English either. There are many writing rules that differ between Swedish and English and I do not know all of them or any. Spelling is one thing because of spell check, but there’s so many other things that define a language. What words you chose, how you formulate a sentence, sayings, idioms, word order, expressions. Still it doesn’t bother me as much. There has been times, with my old blog there was a time when I gave up, when I couldn’t write because everything seemed to come out wrong. That only lasted a short while though and now I try my best, but I know I fail and I don’t really care that much. Still I am the perfectionist who’s never good enough so when I say I try, I do really try. Google is my friend as well as www.bab.la. Maybe one day I can move past the irrational fear of talking as well. Maybe. Today Could be that day, but I have no mic…

Take care, have fun, but beware the blue light at night!!! See you tomorrow, maybe.

Not making any sense

It happened again, sleeping all day, all evening. I just woke up in time to take the pills again last night. I suppose it was a little bit much going from no medication to taking two at once, maybe I should have just taken one to begin with. Twice now I have overslept my writing challenge. I was very tired today as well. Sleeping all day. I still take the pills in the evening though because I really want to sleep at night. I tried to wake up by watching NCIS LA, but I was too tired to really know what I was doing which resulted in the final breaking of my headphones. And I have no speakers connected to my computer. I need headphones or I’ll have no sound. They do still work if I have the cable in the exact right spot, but then I can’t move at all. In the end it got too annoying. I have  set of earplugs that provides a really super sound, but therefore are very expensive. I use them only for listening to music. So afraid they will break so I don’t want to use them for sleeping. I had totally forgotten the earplugs I got with my tablet. I should really have found them before, so much better for sleeping in. And I wouldn’t have broken my headset, which also was kind of expensive. Not that I really used it that much, but now that I don’t have a microphone I find that slightly annoying anyway. They have headsets on sale on one of the stores in town, similar to the ones that got broken, but I don’t know. It’s still a lot of money and I don’t really have that much to spend. Especially considering the fact that I don’t really use the mic that much. Now I don’t know what to do. Get a new headset or just have sound? The sale is one more day.

My sleep problems seems to be a never ending story though. Either I don’t sleep at all or I never wake up. Sleeping too much can be a problem just as much as not sleeping at all. Even if it’s been a while since I had enough sleep it’s not as if you can take it back later. Sleeping too much is still bad. It’s not like a debt you can pay afterwards, with interest. Doesn’t quite work that way. I am still too tired, even when I’m awake. I’ve run out of freezer food and I’m just too tired to make more even though I have the necessary ingredients. I’m back to eating hamburgers again. Without bread, salad or anything on them. Having that cooked food has spoiled me a little though. I really don’t like the hamburgers anymore. I want the food I made. Hope I’m feeling better tomorrow. Maybe I should go into town as well, to check on a new headset.

As you might already have figured out, I don’t really know what to say today. I’m just rambling random things. Nothing that makes much sense. It’s one of those days when nothing goes right and everything is just boring or sad. One of those days when everything goes wrong, you don’t know what to do and don’t really want to do anything. Bored Beyond Belief. Sad because things break. Annoyed because you know it’s your own fault it broke. You did something wrong, you weren't thinking. And fixing it is going to cost a lot of money that you don’t really have. That’s when I go to sleep to never wake up. I don’t want to wake up. I want to sleep, dream, forever. Is that why I sleep past my deadline or is it just the pills? There’s probably something I’m trying to avoid, something I should do that I don’t want to do. I do that sometimes. Hide my head in the sand so I don’t have to see the things I want to avoid, hide so I can pretend it doesn’t exist. Hiding in sleep, online, in videos, in books, in games, in whatever it takes so I don’t have to see and do the things I don’t want to do for some reason. Forgetting that I have bills to pay because paying them gives me a panic attack, that’s just one example. But there are other things too. Just going to the store, or going out can be enough of a problem. Scary stuff. Better hide behind feeling tired, go back to bed and keep on sleeping as if the problem would go away, not get worse. It doesn’t go away, though, it does actually just get worse.

I’m sure I’m sounding completely nuts right now. I feel nuts. I took my sleeping pills quite some time ago, they may be beginning to work. My neck hurts too. It does that when I sleep too much, lie down too much. It’s very sensitive. I have special pillows, but since I don’t lie still they get moved and my neck doesn’t get the necessary support. I did get more power pain pills that I could take. Another type of pills that would make me sleep. I have overslept many appointments and even work, because of those pills. Until my doctor said that I should not drive after taking those pills. Makes sense, doesn’t it. Thing is though, I’ve taken other pills, kinda similar, also classified as narcotic medicine, but they wouldn’t make me sleepy. I have pretty high tolerance when it comes to pain killers. The pills that is, not the game. The games scares me like crazy. It’s a steam game if you don’t know what it is.

Anyway, I have almost reached the magic number, almost one thousand words. The words today were not good, they made no sense and I am still just rambling. This may be the absolute low point of my blogging experience. I am so sorry for having put you through it, but it’s this or nothing. Maybe it would have been better to go with nothing. I’ll be back, trying to do better tomorrow.

Thank you and take care!!!

To not fall asleep, or to not wake up

I’m so sorry I didn’t manage to write anything yesterday. I overslept. Big time. As usual, lately, I fell asleep in the middle of the day, but I didn’t wake up after a couple of hours. I slept until two am. Technically it was still yesterday in some parts of the world, but I was too tired to write. The only reason I didn’t fall asleep again was that I was very hungry. Sleeping past dinner time can do that. I haven’t slept anything since then and it’s about eight in the evening now, so hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight.

One good thing that came out of my whole day of sleep is that I wasn’t terribly tired today when the stores opened. The sad thing is that when I was getting ready to go I got my first really big panic attack in a long time. I had to take medication and postpone going out. Almost three hours later I managed to go though. I went to one of my favorite places and got some nice photos. Then I did some shopping, lost some of my shopping somewhere between the check out and my car. Typical. I didn’t notice until I got home. Unfortunately I didn’t go straight home so there was no point going back. Went to another favorite place, by the ocean, where the ferry to Vaasa, Finland was waiting in port. It was very windy, very cold, but I got some nice photos there too. Then I did some more shopping, more food, stocking up for a long time again.

I did also visit the pharmacy. Unfortunately I had no prescription for sleeping pills on my list. I got painkillers and pills for my stomach. So many of the pills I take are bad for the stomach, but I have to take them. The diabetes pills are the worst. Before i payed the pharmacy guy asked if there was anything else I needed or if I had any questions. I said that since the thing I really needed, the reason I was there, wasn’t on my list so no there was nothing else. He asked what it was and offered to sell me a bottle anyway if I talked to my doctor to get a new prescription. I said that would be great since I can’t sleep without them. He’s like that, always helping a little bit extra. Maybe because I have been a customer there for so long I have practically lived in the pharmacy at times. He could see that I had had the pills before but the old prescription had just past the last date. It’s only valid for a year. And that was yesterday. When I was at home sleeping. Luckily they can revive it a few days after the expiration day. Which means, I have sleeping pills again. There’s some hope that I will be able to sleep again. That would be amazing. Sleep at night. Food in the freezer. Taking pictures in the terribly cold hours of the day. The days are getting longer. It’s daylight at two in the afternoon again. I can take pictures again.

After the pharmacy the sun was beginning to set. I drove out to the ocean again, but a different place that’s further out. It’s the end of the road, there’s nothing but water, or no it’s obviously ice as far as you can see. I have photographed there only twice before. Once in the spring, once in October or November. It was so beautiful. The sun was bright orange and just a bit over the horizon. The picture was really awesome. That is the one I chose to upload to Instagram.

It’s been a rather good day, but I am having real problems with my writing. I don’t know what to write.

I was a little bit surprised that I had a panic attack, but I guess I’ve been postponing this trip for so long my brain figured that it must be something dangerous. Add to that the fact that didn’t really want to go today either. I mean, if I am completely honest, if I really wanted to go I wouldn’t care how tired I was. Being tired is just an excuse not to go. Even if I was really, really tired. It wouldn’t be the first time I was driving tired. Besides, when it’s cold out that tends to make you wake up. But basically it’s all just about priorities and just didn’t prioritize going to the pharmacy or the store, or even to take pictures. I prioritized staying at home, watching NCIS LA. I’ve almost caught up on that show too, but I heard that The Walking Dead are back tonight, so there’s always something to watch. Need to re-watch the new Bond movie as well as Star Wars VII. And I haven’t seen the new Hunger Games yet. Star wars is a great series of movies to sleep to so that’s a bonus. Kind of joking, but I watched all of the old episodes a while back and I always fell asleep. I had to start over with each film two or three times. And I love Star Wars, so it’s not that either. I am weird. That’s probably it.

I still have some ways left to go before I am done for today. Even though I have learnt roughly how much I have to write before it’s one thousand words I still use the word counter. Which means that I can’t write my posts on my blog platform. I use Google docs to write, copy and paste. Most of the time I have music in the background. Lately I have started all my writing sessions with Alphaville’s Red Rose, an extended version. We’re kind of an 80s household. My roommate, whenever he stays with me, he is also very into 80s music. 80s bands. Classic rock, though that’s not exactly Alphaville though. But Red Rose is kind of upbeat, happy, makes me want to dance, wakes me up.

Anyway, even if I had to drag the words out of my mind today, I have passed the magic number.

Thank you! Take care!!

Losing the battle

So tired. Do not feel like writing tonight. No inspiration, but then again, to write without inspiration is the goal of this challenge, isn’t it? I am so tired. When I said I give up on sleeping, in yesterday’s post I had no idea how true, and awful, that would be. Having slept only a few hours a day for a while made me really tired. I was too tired to do anything, to focus on anything, but I just couldn’t get my head to stop. I just couldn’t fall asleep. So tired, my eyes hurt. The time when I actually do fall asleep is pushed later every day. Soon I will have gone full circle, which would be a good thing if it happens soon, but the way it’s going now I’ll probably lose my mind before that happens. It has already begun to affect my memory, my ability to thing, which is kind of funny since it’s the thinking that keeps me from sleeping. The thinking won’t stop.

It wasn’t nail art this time, I did manage to stay away from those videos. But there’s hair and makeup, and eventually I found food. After my cooking session yesterday my mind decided that it would be a good idea to plan more things I could do with what I have at home, which basically is nothing. I do have ready made, frozen meals in my freezer though. And it’s so good, but what wouldn’t be when all you’ve been eating for two months is hamburgers without bread, salad, dressing or anything. That’s not food, it’s my version of bread and water. Obviously with meat instead of bread since we now know that we shouldn’t eat too much carbs.

Woke up after six pm today, or rather this evening. Head hurts, neck hurts. The body has in its desperation for rest overdone the sleeping part in an attempt to catch up. It will not work though. Of that I am fairly certain. It’s as if my sleeping problems that I’ve been writing about for months and that I’ve suffered from for a lot longer than that is getting worse every day now. I know the chemicals have probably messed up my system a lot and I really should get back on the sleeping pills, it’s just that I am too tired to go anywhere. I did sleep about five hours which normally would be okay, but right now it feels as if I am really struggling to stay awake, though I am well aware that should I lie down and try I wouldn’t be able to. In a way it seems as if I am closing in on the final battle with insomnia and I am trying, probably on some subconscious, self sabotaging way, make it on my own without the aid of medication. The prognosis doesn’t look too good, but there’s not much I can do. Unless I manage to get myself to the pharmacy. It’s in time like this I could really use someone to go get my medication for me, but with my roommate gone I am, in every way, on my own. It’s win or lose, sleep or lose my mind to be specific.

It’s weird how a brain so interested in thinking that it just can’t shut down to let me sleep and still I am having problems finding the words I need to be able to write anything. It reminds me of a test I once took after too many late nights of studying. I’d read the question, I knew the answer, but every time I bent forward to write the answer, every time my pen would touch the paper the answer was gone. Nowhere to be found. As if I never knew the answer and the previous notion had just been a figment of my imagination. That’s how it feels right now. The thinking I need and want to do is not working. Obviously because the thinking I don’t want to do is working overtime. My brain has decided to take over the show and is clearly demonstrating that it’s now in control of everything. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to have a clue about how it should be done if the entire organism is to survive. Hey, brain! We Need sleep!

Even if overthinking the cooking makes me lose sleep it’s not a bad thing in itself. I do get some really good ideas, it’s just that when things are like they are right now the ideas will stay ideas. There’s no way I can make any of them reality and that makes them just another thing I haven’t done. Another thing I need to do. Another thing I need to do but haven’t done and therefore something I will worry about. Negative stress. That’s how it builds up, that’s how it works, bets worse, takes over, hijacks the brain, mutiny. But no Johnny Depp lookalike Captain Sparrow person in sight.

I went online to see what items are on reduced prize in my store this week. It’s so many items that I could really use to stock up on food of many various kinds. The hamburgers don’t exactly contain all necessary building blocks. Adding vegetables was a great move, but we need variation to get everything we need and I don’t think I’m getting enough of some essential blocks. No dairy is just one of the problems. No milk, cheese, yoghurt or anything of that nature. They have a great prize on cheese this week. But, if I don’t get up while anything is open, before I know it the week will have gone by and I’ve missed the opportunity. And, of course that’s another thing that will keep me overthinking and worrying and awake. It’s like when you count the hours all night. Fall asleep now and I can sleep for so many hours. And you never fall asleep, but it’s as if you can’t stop checking the time and count the hours every five minutes. So stressful.

And. Even though I am so late there’s no time to edit anything I did get a glimpse of all my sentences that begin with “and”. Way too many to be okay, but as I may have mentioned. my brain isn’t working right at the moment. With a bit of luck it may be back in a slightly better working order tomorrow.

Good night. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.

I wish!!!

I give up

I give up on ever sleeping like a normal person. I give up on the pharmacy, or at least on me ever getting there. That means I have to give up on the sleeping pills as well. It’s just not happening. Sleep, that is. I said yesterday that I’d go get those pills even if I had been up all night. That did obviously not happen, as you might have guessed. Today it was past one in the afternoon before I finally fell asleep, almost two. Then I woke up about four, thirty. Not a lot of sleep. Just like yesterday. I was so tired too. Tired all night, but sleeping was impossible. My mind was working serious overtime. Oddly enough it thought out a lot of nail art ideas that I could do with the limited skills and resources I have. Not exactly a thing you expect will keep you up all night, right? But I guess that’s what I get from watching nail art videos to help me fall asleep. Counter productive as most things I seem to do, nowadays. Watching nail art videos and, of course, NCIS LA all night, all morning. Nightmares from the TV show the few hours I sleep. I think it might be the many rear windows they shoot out that could be the problem. They always do that, every episode. The exploding cars is just every second or third episode. One episode they just see a car sitting on the curb and they chase after it on foot, attempting to shoot at it. I was surprised it got away with the window intact, but the car was bombed later so order was restored. Thing was though, as they ran after it, aiming at it, they didn’t know who the driver was, if it was a bad guy or not. It could have been anyone. Anyone who makes that get-away-car style of take-offs. I thought maybe the nightmares is a warning that I should stop doing that. Just kidding, I don’t. I am professional driver of a different kind.

Funny thing happened yesterday after I published my post. I wrote about the Universe’s influence over our life, or, at least I mentioned the possibility thereof since the video I was watching stopped working, forcing me to finally write my thousand words and post them, somewhat on time. I also said that I’d be very spooked if it would suddenly start working again after I finished my obligatory, daily writing session. And guess what! I didn’t get spooked, it didn’t miraculously start to work. Probably because the Universe wouldn’t want to spook me. Just kidding. It would just have been a much too big coincidence if it had. The order of doubt is still intact. We have no definite proof of a higher power controlling things. It’s still up to faith to decide what we want to believe in.

Since I didn’t manage to get up and go to the pharmacy I didn’t manage to get to a store either. It’s time to get more cat food, and probably some more frozen hamburgers and french fries. But I didn’t. Already last night I began to “steal” from the ingredients intended for my frozen food production and this afternoon I could either continue that idea and run out, before I got started with the planned cooking idea. So, I made a wise choice. I did actually manage to get it done today. I have four days of rice, sausage in sweet chili sauce and vegetables in the freezer. That is if this is the only food I eat all day. If I want a more varied menu, which means going back to my old version of hamburger for dinner and breakfast, then I’m good for a long time. Now, that’s something to be proud over. Right?

Maybe I’ll sleep better tonight after having done something right today. And the nail art problem is also solved, I have four different version on four nails and a fifth nail that demonstrate what happens when you fail completely and the color you used is very dark. None of the nails look good exactly, but it’s a start, and I don’t have to keep the idea in my head any longer, which means I ought to be able to sleep. I am also very tired, right now. I’ll probably try to sleep after I finished with this writing business of mine. And filled my bottle with water. And maybe had a snack to eat. Hmmm, it just never ends, does it?

Tonight I’ll try to stay away from from nail art, try to stay away from all variations of social media I’m addicted to. Maybe I should substitute NCIS LA with songs of David Bowie because of the sad news this morning. Heroes was my favorite song for a very long time. Until I found Comfortably numb with Pink Floyd. Bowie has done a lot of great music, in my opinion, and on social media most people seem to agree. Or maybe it’s just the people I follow. And I really like the movie Labyrinth. I do actually have a copy on DVD, as well as the movie that is sort of about him and Iggy Pop, Velvet Goldmine. Even if Bowie wasn’t too pleased with it, for obvious reasons, that reason also being one of the reasons why it’s a great film. I guess he really shocked a lot of people back then.

Even if you won’t really notice, I froze there for a while. I started thinking about the movies, the music and how he chose to live his life. It’s an amazing story, but I don’t know what more to say- So I went back to my old ways… checking social  media, replying to people, liking posts, follow back. So much work. No one has messaged me today though. Maybe they knew I was sleeping in and later that I was busy cooking and freezing. Talking about freezing though, it’s not as cold anymore. It’s a more reasonable -9 C/15 F. After that super cold day this weekend, this is no problem anymore. Everything is relative, you know. When it first becomes cold, this temperature is very cold, but now… not so much after that super low of -28 C/-18 F. Hope it doesn’t get that cold again. It was around -20 C/-4 F for a very long time. Somehow you get used to it.

Hope you’re not freezing, that all’s well. Bye for now and take care!!!

Today - too bad

I guess it’s time to write today's blog post now. Again I am really late. I’m just starting and it’s almost the time I have as a guideline for posting. I was just going to finish watching an episode of NCIS Los Angeles when the Universe apparently thought it was time to do something different. The video was freezing, the sound was fine, but the image froze. One would think that would be okay considering the fact that I was watching nail art videos on Instagram, but that’s not how it works. I still have some part of my eyes on the show since I notice the picture’s not changing anymore. And for some reason there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix it. If it suddenöy works perfectly after I’ve written my thousand words for today, and published my blog post for the day then I am really spooked.

I do, kind of believe in some kind of higher power. Call it Universe, God or what you want, I have had too many coincidences to stop believing in coincidence. The first time way way back and I was really super tired, wanting to go straight home after Uni, eat and die in front of the TV. But there were also something I really wanted to check out in a store in the center of town. It’s really difficult to find parking space there unless you go to one of the parking garages, but I didn’t want to do that. Didn’t want to spend the time driving that extra block to search one of them for a vacant spot and then walk back to the stores. Driving straight to the parking lot closest to the store I wanted to visit I thought to myself: If there’s a free space than I’m supposed to get this thing, if not then I’m supposed to go home. And… there it was, a car just left one of the parking spaces and I was first in line. I went to the store, got whatever it was and felt super happy I got it. It’s happened many other times after that, for example Twitter has had great timing giving me the perfect quote for me just when I really needed it. Instagram does the same. You can definitely argue coincidence or that it’s not that strange considering most issues I share with many other people and I follow who I follow for a reason. Except I basically just follow back which means I don’t really choose. Anyway, we always have a choice in what we do and what we believe in, so if you don’t agree that’s fine. I’m not always sure that I do agree myself.

Been a bad girl today though and honestly… This blog is turning into a diary. Or maybe I should say it’s a journal since one of the agents in NCIS Los Angeles explained in one episode that diaries are for seven year old girls. But still. It wasn’t exactly where I intended to go with it. Whatever you would call it. I decided a while back that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, even though the days are getting longer and sunnier, I’m still not over the darkness problems. It’ll be a while longer. End of January if it’s very sunny or in February is when I normally begin to feel the dark lifting in my person. If I’ve been very low it can take a lot longer though. Last year it wasn’t until late March I was beginning to feel better. Last winter was awful though, so much rain. Still, maybe we just have to accept the journal shape of things a little while longer. Not really sure how it’s supposed to look though. I'm still trying to figure that out. Between the NCIS episodes and nail videos.

How have I been bad then? Well, no sleep is always a good guess. I was up all night and all morning, which technically means I was up all night even in EST standards. It was well past noon before I finally passed out. Sun was shining and it was actually not cold in my room anymore. Think I managed to close the window a little bit better though still not completely. Funny thing though and maybe something to think about when using NCIS Los Angeles as the show to fall asleep to: there’s a lot of explosions. The few hours of very unrestful sleep I got was filled with car bombs exploding all over the place. I don’t know about the deaths from that because I kept waking up. Which is kind of funny since I don’t wake up from the actual explosions in the show, but if you watch it for twelve hours without any break than you kind of know what it’s about. Maybe the inability to fall asleep is my brain trying to tell me it’s not a good idea because it’s so filled with exploding cars that that’s all it has to process should I actually fall asleep. This non sleeping mode I am settled in is getting ridiculous though and I decided before I fell asleep earlier this afternoon that whether I sleep tonight or not I will still go to the pharmacy tomorrow and get more sleeping pills. Even if I have been up all night. Maybe I’ll sleep though since today’s sleep was very unsatisfactory.

The no sleep tradition, though, has also resulted in the sad fact that I didn’t cook any food today after all. Not as planned anyway. I had leftovers from yesterday so I am not starving at all this weekend. Trying to be positive I guess that’s a good thing. I should be proud of myself for eating, if not exactly good, at least better than before. Trying to get better is what I should be proud of, not the weird punishing of myself I’ve been doing for so long.

Hope you’ve had a great weekend, hope the week will be wonderful. Eat, sleep and be proud!!! And maybe I’ll see you again tomorrow...