Saturday, November 14th, 2015

Waking up today, not this morning. It was almost dawn before I went to sleep. When I finally woke up in the afternoon and as usual checked my social medias the first thing I did. And the second and third. To be honest that’s basically what I’ve been doing today. I found a quote on Instagram that made so much more sense today than any other day I’ve read similar quotes. It said we should “be grateful that we woke up today, that we are still alive.” If you add that also our family and friends is alive then it is truly something to be grateful for. So many tragedies happened around the world yesterday, so many people died. From natural disaster or from terrorist actions. Not just in Paris, but also in Iraq and Lebanon. And in all that man made chaos we forget those who suffer from earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes.  It brings a new meaning to “Friday the 13th”, 11/13/15

Many people have been showing their support for Paris and France, not as many for the others. Some ask if a life is worth more because it’s from the West. Do we care more about Europeans than people from the middle east? We should have been "hash-tagging" pray for the world or pray for humanity instead of pray for Paris. There’s one picture that is very symbolic for the French tragedy, at least in my opinion. It’s the dark Eiffel Tower in the middle surrounded by other nations landmarks lit up by the French colors. Paris is suffering and the friends show their support and sympathy surrounding her with their light.

I can only speak for myself, but why it’s been easier or felt more natural to show support for the people of France is because it’s so close to home. It’s in Europe. These things aren’t supposed to happen here. We live in a peaceful part of the world. Not saying they are supposed to happen anywhere else either, but there are parts of the world that aren’t quite as peaceful as Europe is. It’s easier to feel for the victims because their world is normally as safe as ours, but just not last night.

Maybe our feelings getting dulled because we view the middle east as an unsafe region where attacks happen frequently. It doesn’t make it better for the people living there, but it’s difficult to imagine living with that fear all the time. Most of us still don’t know what it’s like, we weren’t in Paris last night. Maybe we’re so used to these things happening somewhere far away, in a different part of the world. That’s why it’s such a shock when it happens closer to you. If this can happen in Paris it can happen anywhere. And you never know when. When I say it can happen anywhere I still have that little voice in the back of my head saying: “Yes, but not here”. Paris is a big city, it’s well known, important. France is important. Sweden is small and insignificant, we’re safe from terrorists. Except from that suicide bomber just before Christmas 2010, who only blew himself up. Himself and a car. Two people got minor injuries from the car bomb. But I guess that shows that you are never completely safe.

I don’t think the lives of the people who died in Paris are worth more than any other lives. Not even the Swedish people who were shot are worth more than anyone else, except for their family and friends. I used to think it was so strange how every time there was an accident, a plane crash or a natural disaster they would always mention if there were any Swedish people involved. It made me feel as if the accident or whatever it was wasn’t that bad when no Swedish people were there. It took me a while to realize that those Swedish people have family in Sweden who would want to know. Even after an aunt and uncle died in a plane crash outside of Chicago did I quite realize the significance of this information. Now I always think that maybe I know someone who was there. I know people who often go on weekend trips to Paris, especially before Christmas, to do some shopping.

It’s so easy to think us and them. We are from the west, we are Europeans, but in reality, we’re all just people. Maybe we come from different cultures, have different religions, but basically we’re still just people. There is really no us and them, that’s something we made up, so we can feel part of something, part of a group. Having a border that only some people are allowed to cross. We are Europeans, we live in Europe. They don’t. We’re a western country, they are not. We’re rich countries, they are not. All of it is true, but what does that really mean? Maybe it’s just something we should be thankful for when we wake up in the morning. I live in a peaceful, rich western country in Europe and not in a country where terror is part of everyday life.

Another common quote is that we shouldn’t judge other people because we don't know what they are going through, what problems they are dealing with. Very good advice that a lot more people should listen to, there’s too many people who are very quick to judge but very slow when it comes to offering help. I was thinking, though, that maybe we shouldn’t just stop judging each other, the people we meet, our neighbors. Maybe we should stop judging the people who weren’t fortunate to be born in our part of the world as well. Maybe we should make a real effort to stop thinking in us and them and accept the fact that we’re all just people.

These are just my random thoughts after the tragedies that happened yesterday November 13th, Friday the 13th, 2015. I haven’t done any research, studies or anything. It’s just the information my mind has chosen to store and how I interpret them. As I said, just my random thoughts.

Thank you! I hope you’ll have a nice weekend!

Pray for the world! Pray for humanity!

Struggling with the darkness.

It’s raining and I’ve been sleeping most of the day. My panic attacks are back, everything I should do, that I have to do, it seems like such terribly difficult things. I can’t get up, I haven’t really eaten anything because the task of making something feels too much. I have only had something to keep the worst hunger away.

December first we must have winter tires on our cars. We can change to winter tires earlier if the weather conditions makes it necessary. It is beginning to be icy at least where the sun  doesn’t shine and obviously early in the mornings before sunrise. Hopefully it’s going to stay above freezing tonight since it’s raining pretty heavily. So I need to get the tires changed on my car. I can’t do it myself my back won’t allow it. My roommate isn’t home so I can’t ask him for help. And it seems like such an enormous job to go get help from his dad. I have the tires in my garage, just need to load them in the car, but they are heavy and I have a bad back and a bad neck as well. Neither will let me load four tires into the car. I can’t call him to ask if he’ll come on over and help me because my phone is still not connected. I don’t know what the telephone company is doing. I can only call emergency numbers and this isn’t exactly an emergency.

Just thinking about it gives me a panic attack and I just want to go back to sleep, to forget all about tires and winter and ice. Snow is better. Snow makes it brighter and it’s not as dangerous to walk on as ice, as long as it’s not packed too hard. The absolute worst winters are those when the temperature keeps around freezing point. Some days above making everything thaw, some days it freezes turning everything into ice. If i don’t fall and break every bone in my body I’ve still got pain because my neck does not approve of such nonsense. Too much variation in temperature makes it hurt more than usual. We were promised (?) a very cold winter this time, but so far it’s been pretty normal. November rain, and some cold nights.

Friday is usually the day when I go out and try to restock on food and such. It’s better to do that only once a week, less temptation to buy unnecessary things that I can’t afford. Today I couldn’t even do that. Normally it’s a good day because I can have coke again. During the weeks I have to do without. But that makes me long for the Friday when I can go to the store, but the same thing happens here. I get a panic attack, don’t want to go out, just want to sleep and forget everything. It has been a long time since going to the store gave me a panic attack. But getting up seemed like a completely impossible thing to do. Not even taking the medication that normally would calm things down worked.

I’m not overthinking. I’m not thinking at all. I’m trying to avoid everything that has anything to do with thinking, that’s why I want to sleep. Sleeping is the best way to hide from things you don’t want to do. Or can’t do. Things that feel impossible. The feeling is there as soon as I wake up. It’s as if the thoughts come after the feeling, after the panic already has begun. Not that I ever have to “work” to get a panic attack, they often come quite unexpected. To wake up with them is not really something I’m used to though. I know I should probably feel a lot better if I only got things done, but when typing that part of the sentence makes the stomach cramp and breathing increasingly difficult, it’s not that easy. Just do it, isn’t really so just right now. Just do it is like climbing Mount Everest right now. Or at least Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain. You don't die climbing that one. Well, I probably would, but that’s a different story. That’s just how difficult everything feels right now.

And, as you can tell, I’m finding it difficult to know what to write about. I could say I’m hiding behind a quote I read today that said: “It’s not what you write, it’s how you write it”. I’m not sure I should apply that to myself though. It is a little bit of truth in it though because I read the entire Twilight series. I wasn’t exactly a big fan of sparkling vampires or the story, but I really enjoyed the way she wrote the story, how she told the story. That was definitely a “how you write it” experience for me. I read one other book of hers too and the style she uses makes the reading very easy and enjoyable. Can’t really compete with Stephenie Meyers, but I don’t feel as if I’m writing for the content either. I don’t know what to write, it feels as if I’ve run out of things to say. I realize it’s probably the darkness messing with my mind, the seasonal depression, SAD. I really don’t like the dark.

Cosy lights and candles? Yes, I know that’s nice when the rain is pouring down outside. It doesn't do much for the way I feel though. I have spent winters more or less glued to the fireplace just watching the fire for hours, it’s nice, warm, soothing light, definitely cosy, but I don’t feel any better. It’s just some variation to sleeping. I don’t have a fireplace right now, so that doesn’t work either. Candles? Yes, I could light some candles, but then I need to find some, and something to light them with… sounds like a difficult job. Get a grip, just do it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop whining. The first two, I would if I could. I’m not just being lazy or lying around feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to fight it. The last two. I am trying to explain how I feel, if that seems like whining it’s probably because you’ve never experienced what I am going through right now. If you had you’d understand. I hope you never will though. It’s anything but fun.

Thank you! Hope you’re all okay out there. Smiles can brighten up the dark. they say.

Keep smiling!!!

I'm too tired for this...

It’s beginning to feel ridiculous, how tired I am and how I keep falling asleep early in the evening waking up, still very tired, wants nothing but going back to sleep, but I have to write something. I never have any idea what to write about anymore either. I’m just so tired, all I want to do is sleep. Waking up like this after nine pm to write a thousand words, which takes a while even when I know what to write, it’s going to wake me up so much I probably can’t go back to sleep when I’m done. I should have written this earlier today, but I was sleeping most of it. Sleeping or talking to people on Instagram. Not posting any pictures though. I don’t have any to post. I need to go out to get photos. I need to delete pictures to take new ones which means I need to move pictures from my cameras to the computer, something I haven’t done in a while and for some reason does that feel like a very heavy job.

I’m just so tired all the time and I don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and go out even when the sun has been shining. I just turned around and went back to sleep. Did have a vague thought about getting up, but not strong enough to make me. Even though I know it’s what I should do to maybe feel a little bit better, I just can’t. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t know if my sleeping is a way of hiding from something I don’t want to deal with or if I’m just tired. There’s nothing I can think of. How am I going to survive this winter if I’m already this tired?

I believe I’ve mentioned before how it doesn’t even feel fun anymore. Going out taking pictures, going over them when I get back home, posting them, writing, blogging… I used to enjoy doing these things, it used to make me, if not happy, at least glad. It has a name this phenomenon: anhedonia. It’s defined as the inability to feel pleasure from activities you usually enjoy and it’s one of the typical symptoms of clinical depression. This doesn't just mean that you don’t find the things you normally like to do joyless, it’s also a factor in why you stop doing the things you enjoy doing. Not really sure how this applies to me right now, but it’s definitely a similar feeling. And SAD is often called a depression, even though I think that’s simplifying it a bit depression is a part of it. So I guess anhedonia could very well be too.

Everything has a name, apparently. Does that make it easier? Does that make it feel better? It kind of proves that I’m not the only one who experiences these things. If it’s got a name then other people have suffered from this before. I know I was depressed before, but I didn’t care about anything then, I didn’t even know what was fun and was wasn’t and I didn’t care either. Now I’m feeling better from that depression, so now I notice every little change from the season, from the darkness. It’s funny how you need to be well to know if you’re not. When I was really depressed I wouldn’t really notice the effects of the dark because I was already too low, I couldn’t get much lower. Now I can feel it which in itself means I’m better, but also that I do feel the effects of the dark. I wish it wasn’t so dark.

Maybe I should consider moving south, to somewhere where it’s not so dark, but then I guess it’s probably not going to be real winters either. Not that we always get that here anyway. These past two winters Toronto have been having more winter than we have, but I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to be. I like the snow, the sunshine on the snow, it’s beautiful. Snow makes it brighter too so snow is good. People always think I’m crazy when I say I want snow, it makes the winter so long, you have to shovel it, roads, traffic, they have so many reasons why they don’t want snow. Even the people who enjoy skiing are very sceptical to snow.

Snow is beautiful, it brightens up the place and when there’s a lot of snow up in the mountains we get the reindeer. They load them onto trucks and drive them down here, to the coast where they may find food in the forests. The owners feed them too, close to the roads so that’s where you’d find them, the reindeer, on the road. When driving on the smaller roads outside of town you have to be careful because there might be loads of them on the road and they aren’t really scared so they don’t move. For people who have to travel these roads to and from work it’s very annoying. I think it’s kind of fun. If you absolutely need them gone and have no desire to watch them you need a plastic bag to hang outside your window. That scares them. Maybe I can try to get some photos after New Year, that’s when they usually arrive unless they have loads of snow in the mountains.

That was a little bit of random information about the part of the world where I live. And if you didn’t know this, reindeer may live like wild animals, but they have owners. Our indigenous people, the Sami or Lapps, Laplanders are the only people allowed to own reindeer. At least in our part of the world.

Maybe it’s because we’re getting closer to Christmas. Maybe that’s why I made the connection between snow and reindeer and told you that story. Maybe it was just to fill space. Either way I’m going to end this post here. Sorry for being so tired and uninspired.

Thank you!!! Have a wonderful day!!!

I feel like giving up

I had to go to the hospital today to have my eyes checked. I do that once a year because of my diabetes. I have some changes in my right eye that is caused by the diabetes, but it’s nothing dangerous and it could go away by itself. I wonder what they could do if there were more serious changes. Is there really something they could do? Blindness is one of the problems that can come from diabetes. It’s not just about avoiding sugar, there’s so many other things too. It’s a serious health problem and I’ve been dealing with it as if it’s nothing or a joke. Or maybe I should say I haven’t been dealing with it. But still, the tests show I’m doing better. Exercise is the best way to deal with high blood sugar and my walks are doing the trick, apparently. Still, it’s a serious disease and I should take it more seriously.

It was a sunny day today. Cold, but sunny. Icy on the ground, had to be careful where you put your feet. I still don’t know where my mother has put my winter shoes. After I’d been to hospital I stopped for a while at the university, took some pictures of the sky and of the building where I used to spend my time. There’s a pond in front of it, really nice place. It feels as if it was so long ago since I’ve been there. And in a way I guess it is, so much has happened, so much has changed since then. I’m not the same person, not quite the same anymore. Right now, this moment i don’t really know if I’d want to go back. But that could be the me who’s tired and affected by the darkness talking. I know that I did want to go back this September as the cooler weather made it’s way over here. That chilly, crisp morning air that reminds me of those mornings when you had to get up and go to school again after a long nice summer break. Back then I wanted to go back to school again, but I’m just not well enough. Maybe next year. Maybe. Hopefully.

I fell asleep to Wire in the Blood again last night. Not really early, but not really all that late either. Slept most of the morning and got up only in time to make my appointment at the hospital. When I came home again I had something to eat, watched some more Wire in the Blood and fell asleep again. People screaming and shouting doesn’t seem to be a problem. I can hear them but it doesn’t keep me from falling asleep. I am still tired, but I need to write this. Then I’m going back to sleep. It’s late, I should have written this before I went to sleep, but I didn’t. Maybe I thought that a few hours of sleep would help me figure out what to write, but it didn’t.

To be honest all i really want to do is go back to sleep. I don’t want to write anything and I have nothing to write about. Maybe I should just stop. Whatever I’m writing, it’s just repeating what I’ve already written, isn’t it? The same stuff over and over again. It’s boring. Why would anyone care anyway. Maybe I should just give up. Sleep for two months and wake up in 2016. Missing all the holidays and my roommate's birthday. I’m afraid I won’t be allowed to do that though. Things to do, always things to do. There’s the assistants who come twice a week to help me with cleaning and stuff and then it’s been decided that I need to take up my physio therapy again. Starting next Wednesday I’ll be going to the “gym” once a week to begin with, but I know she’s going to want to push it to twice real soon. And I guess I need it. Sleeping all day brings out all sorts of strange aches and pains.

I don’t know what it is but today nothing is okay. Everything is boring. And all I am is tired. All I want to do is sleep. Yesterday all I did was sleep. I didnät take any pictures, I didn’t post any pictures. Today it just felt boring. I took the photos because I knew I should, because I knew I needed something to post, not because I really wanted to. It doesn’t feel as fun as it used to. It felt just like another thing I have to do. Maybe I have taken all the pictures I need to take. Maybe from now on it’s only repetition. Maybe it was just a phase. I don’t know.

Same thing with the writing, if I’m only repeating myself, boring myself and don’t even really want to write anymore, is it time to stop? Should I just give it up? Give up? Or is it just the tired me again. Should I wait? Try to make it through this dark period and see if I feel the same when the light is coming back. I don’t know. This is the only thing I’ve been doing daily for a very long time now. The only real routine I’ve got. Sometimes I’m late, like now, but so far I’ve only missed one day, not counting the month of absence when I had no Internet. I’m not sure what would happen if I allowed myself to give it up. Maybe I should sleep on it. I’m not going to make any decisions tonight anyway. It could just be that I am very tired and I should just go to sleep instead. That could be it.

I’m sorry for being so unfocused and random today. I’m afraid there will be more of these days before the light comes back next year. I’ll try to do better, but I can’t promise.

Thank you! I’m sorry and let’s try to smile together. I’ll try too… =)

Trying to survive the darkness.

My hopes and wishes for today didn’t exactly come true the way I wanted them to. I have been even less productive than before. I’ve been sleeping all day. And by that I mean the whole, entire day. It’s eight pm and this is when I wake up, get up, leave bed for the first time. The funny thing is that too much sleep makes you just as tired as too little.

It was sunny today. I woke up long enough to notice, to think I should get out and take pictures, but then I fell asleep again. I know I had some really nice dreams though I don’t remember them now. Maybe dreaming is better than being awake. I needed to sleep, but this much, I don’t know. Will I be able to sleep at all tonight? I don’t know. Maybe I’m back to where I was in September, must take another sleeping pill as soon as I wake up. There’s no way I’ll be sleeping tonight without.

No new pictures, no old pictures, have barely touched Instagram today. When not even social media makes me wake up it’s serious sleep time. I can’t keep doing this. I need the daylight. I feel as if I’m giving up on everything now. For real, Too tired to deal with anything, too tired. Instead of running away I am hiding in dreams. I get fresh air through my open window. I know, that’s not the same. Just as daylight through the window isn’t the same either. You need to go outside to get the full benefit from it.

A couple of days ago I wrote about focusing on one routine and to forgive myself I the others didn’t work. Not to feel like a failure. I said I was going to concentrate on my sleeping schedule and even though I have been sleeping this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. It’s just that I can’t sleep at night. Of course I can’t when I sleep all day. I’m still tired though. My head hurts, but then again, I haven’t eaten anything so that might be the reason for my headache though I know my neck doesn’t approve of sleeping or lying down too much. I do have a whiplash and that makes it more sensitive to positions of the head. I have special pillows to give the neck a better chance of resting, but when you sleep and move about that isn’t always enough.

I am really, really trying to focus every thought on my sleeping right now. You don't know about it, obviously, but there’s really something else I need to write about today. I don’t feel like, that’s why I am so into my sleeping. It’s not the reason I’ve been sleeping all day. It’s a question I didn’t even know existed until just now. Or, to be honest, I think I did. I have been trying to deal with it before, but I have never been able to reach an answer. I don’t think I will now either, but right now there’s someone who’s waiting for an answer and I should really try to find one, even though I know I can’t.

I have said this many times before, but here it comes again. When I am really, really tired I can get sad for no reason. It’s as if the tiredness in itself makes me sad, but since being sad because you’re tired seems kind of stupid (why don’t you just sleep? - stupid) I often look for other reasons and I don’t have to look that hard because I have plenty to be sad about. Plenty of reasons to feel sorry for myself. I’ve said it before, being a writer is about being self centered and in pain, so naturally that has to include periods of feeling sorry for myself. Lifelong, probably. Being alone again is one of the easiest reasons to explain even if most people think I should be over it by now and those trying to help me feel very disappointed with my lack of progress.

I can understand how my friends lose their patience with me, thinking I’m just stubborn and dumb, but maybe that’s who I am. Right now I don’t really know who I am. I just know that I don’t know. Many times I’ve asked the question: when do you give up? I still don’t know. I mean it’s not that I haven’t accepted the facts the way they are. I have. I know it’s over and done with, and no going back. Even though staying friends is kind of going back. And it hurts sometimes. I know I could end it at anytime if it gets too difficult, but so far that thought is more painful than anything else. Whatever hurts me now when we’re trying to find our way back to being just friends again is still going to hurt if I gave up on the friendship. That’s not going away.

Maybe I am too fragile and made of glass, but I don’t think so. I’m not broken anymore. I am healing even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. The darkness has a real grip on me at the moment and sleeping through the daylight hours is only making that worse. No one but me knows my full story and I don’t think I am weak or fragile. Maybe I don’t always know what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t always do what’s best for me. Maybe my choices seem stupid in the eyes of other people. But I can’t do what other people want me to do. I did write about that a while ago as well. Maybe I don’t do things the way other people would, but I have to do it my way, as far as I can when it involves the choices other people make. Maybe that’s all we can do. Try as much as we can to be true to our own lives. We’ve only got one. There’s no respawn, no encore today. The moment is now, can’t get it back from the grave.

Thank you! Live in the moment, now is all you’ve really got. And… smile!!!

I don't care about me.

I fell asleep early last night, woke up only in time to publish yesterday’s blog post. I meant to just do a quick check on my social media and then go back to sleep. A friend needed to talk so the plans quickly changed. Troubles with boys and if my theory from yesterday that we give others the advice we need to follow ourselves then I should be good. Only problem was the more she described this guy the more my ex seemed like a saint. Not sure that was all that helpful for me to be honest. She needs to get far, far away from her guy though. And I’m still pretty much where I was before or maybe even… I don’t know. Never mind. Went back to sleep again until the morning, talking to another friend who was upset about work for an hour or so, then some more sleep. The only thing I got out of that was that I am very happy I live in Sweden and not America.

After spending the night sleeping a few hours at a time and comforting people in between I missed my meeting with my assistants today so I bet they are upset with me again. I turned off my alarm in my sleep. It happens. Slept until the middle of the day, again. It has been raining like crazy so I chose to stay inside, posting pictures I took yesterday. I haven’t really done anything at all. If you don’t count talking to friends, trying to make them feel better. Not saying that’s nothing, but there are so many other things I should’ve done too. Like a walk even if it’s raining. Instagram takes up a lot of time though, it you’re trying to keep up with liking all photos and such. I need to rethink my activities on there. I also need to rethink how much I am going to let talking to friends interfere with the other things I need to sort out to become whole again.

Most of the time when someone needs me I’ll drop everything and just be there for them. It doesn’t matter what it does to me and often enough it ends up ruining things completely for me. And I hate how selfish this makes me sound, but they do actually say nowadays that you need to take care of yourself too. Not only other people. I can’t help anyone if I am lying on the floor like a wet rug crying over everything that ever went wrong in anyone’s life. When I can’t even get myself to eat or sleep what do I have to give to anyone else? Somewhere the energy runs out. I know that the help others gurus say that you get energy back from helping others, I wonder how much sleep they have sacrificed for other people. How often they haven’t had time to get a proper meal because of other people. How often they literally have done things that are bad for their own health in order to help others. I am not healthy and strong physically. I may not be weak and fragile psychologically, but sometimes I have to fight really hard to stay alive. Even if I am doing better it doesn’t take much before I am back in that black hole again. Emotionally? I don’t know. I’m still here though, that’s always something. For how long I don’t know. There’s trouble on the way and I don’t know how that will work out.

Many of the people that surround me at the medical center and other people say I must take care of me. That I have to focus on getting well myself. That’s what’s important. Helping others is fine, but I must help myself too, which means I must do what I must do to get well. Sometimes the other people are just going to have to wait. All of them are old enough to be able to take care of themselves, no children are suffering from neglect. I must focus on myself. It’s not possible to do everything for other people and forget yourself. It’s not exactly as if I have all that many people in my immediate surroundings that are looking out for me. If I don’t, no one will. Only I can help me, like I’ve said before. No one’s going to respect me need to sleep if I don’t do it myself. No one is going to make sure I do any of these things that are so important for my healing if I don’t do it myself, if I don’t make sure I get the time to do it, myself. It’s all up to me and I’m going to have to learn how to tell people that I’ve got to go, that there are things I have to do. No one has ever said no, don’t. It’s just that I’ve never told them that I have to go, I have to sleep, that I can’t talk right now there’s something I need to do. I am always available. I’ve always got the time. No one has asked me to make these sacrifices, it’s just me. It’s what I do. I’m not important enough to care about, they are.

A therapist who made an evaluation about my psychological health quickly realized that my main problem is that the love affair with myself isn’t working. And that there’s where it all begins. I’m not important enough to care about, in my opinion. I told him that if I had a choice I wouldn’t be with me at all. He told me I do have a choice. I can change. He never said it was an easy choice. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do with this writing challenge as well as the other challenges I’ve written about. Trying to find out who I am and to become a person I can actually be with since I am kind of stuck with me anyway. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense at all, but there you go. I’ll stop now. Try to get more sleep tonight and have a more productive day tomorrow.

Thank you! Take care of yourself and don’t forget to smile!!!

Problem solving method!?

As I have mentioned so many times before, I have problems with my sleep schedule or the problem is rather the total lack of a sleep schedule. This seems to be a very common problem. Most people on Twitter seem to have problematic sleep patterns for one reason or another. I’ve always been a evening or night person, rather stayed up late than get up early. I think I managed my taxi schedule the weeks I began work at five am because getting up at four am is too early for the mind or the body to even realize what is happening, they just do what they need to do and I wake up after driving the fifteen minutes it takes from my home to the taxi garage. Beginning work at seven am is more difficult, mind and body have very many objections at that time of the morning.

I’ve always been a night person. I spent some time in Toronto and realized that time zone worked perfectly for me. Some researchers say we have an inner clock that doesn’t always agree with the regular clock, but I guess it can be viewed as a time zone thing. It’s not me that’s wrong it’s Central European Time that’s wrong. I need Eastern Standard Time. Just move. If it only was that easy. Always been a night person, starts playing video games on an American server with people from EST. Soon realizing most of my friends live in EST. How could I stay on a schedule that would work in Sweden? Impossible. But necessary. I don’t really play much video games at the moment and most of my friends are quite busy and/or respect my time zone, telling me to go to bed. Still it’s difficult.

Last night I found myself giving advice about sleep problems. The irony, I know. I realized that myself. I’m not the right person to give advice about sleeping. But then I remembered reading all those quotes saying that we often give the advice we need to follow ourselves. Often we don’t even realize that ourselves, but for other people it can be obvious that we are not following our own advice. So I began to wonder if that could be used as a method of finding the answers about how to solve our own, or my own, problems. As a method of silencing the mind and letting the soul tell me what it need to heal. What if I write down my problems and then look at them as if they weren’t my own, but somebody else's and I am supposed to give that person advice on how to solve these problems. Theoretically it could work, right?

It was so easy when it was someone else who’s up all night and sleep all day. First I asked three questions about the reason why this was happening. Are you not tired? Obviously not if you sleep all day. Are you overthinking? That would probably lead to a new line of questioning and a separate inquiry. Are you doing something that makes you lose track of time and/or makes you more awake and alert, for example playing video games? Fair question to ask a gamer, right? It’s just that they do not like it when you tell them that maybe they shouldn’t. I know how dangerous video games can be though. You’re just going to finish this part… and maybe that one… and before you know it it’s morning and the sun’s up.

So… why didn’t I sleep at all last night? I had been sleeping all day and apparently one sleeping pill isn’t enough. I was also watching Wire in the Blood and fiddling with other stuff at the same time. Not video games, but still the same idea. I’ll just finish this, but it takes longer than anticipated and soon I’ve watched three episodes and it’s morning. I’ve been awake for about twenty three hours right now, when I’m writing this at half past two in the afternoon. So I haven’t slept all day. I went out for a walk instead. Or rather a drive and a walk. Wasn’t raining when I was out, but it had been most of the night. Smelled very nice out in the “foresty”/woods area. I have fallen asleep to Wire in the Blood before, I know most episodes by heart anyway. But I guess I can’t do other things at the same time, I blame the things from keeping me up. Maybe two pills would work better than one, probably, right? Did I solve my friend’s problem? No, it turned out to be love related, so there’s not much to do about that. You will stay up all night just for a chance of a short moment with that special person. I’ve done it myself, I can’t tell anyone else that they shouldn’t do that when I definitely know that’s an advice I never would follow myself.

Maybe this is nothing new to you. Maybe this is how you always deal with your problem. Maybe I should have thought of it before. I don’t know. All I know is that I finally figured it out and I’m going to try it on other problems as well to see if it works at all. Maybe it does. I’ve heard somewhere that the brain, the subconscious doesn’t care who you’re talking to, it takes everything personally. When you give the advice you need yourself, the subconscious apparently listens to that advice too. If we want to make believe it’s advice for someone else or if we just analyze our problems from a different perspective it should have the same effect, right?

Short interruption to mention an awesome sunset outside my window right now. The sky is all pink and orange, really beautiful. And the time is: 2:56 pm. perfect time for a sunset, right? Told you in previous posts it gets dark early.

For some reason though, it seems easier to see what other people are doing wrong that to see where we go wrong ourselves. I guess we are so easily fooled we believe our own excuses. Anyway… I’ve reached my magic number and that sunset is so distracting.

Thank you!!! Remember to watch your awesome sunset and smile!!!

When everything falls apart...

I’m sure most people get that feeling sometimes, that things are falling apart. That there’s nothing you can do about it. Or that whatever you’re trying to do to fix it doesn’t work. And it seems as if it’s never just one thing that’s failing. More often than not it’s many different things. They say all things come in threes. But it sometimes seems as if they can come in much higher numbers than that.What do you do? Worrying is a common enough phenomenon. So is overthinking, but that doesn’t really help much though. Panic doesn’t help either, but how do you stay calm when everything is going wrong? If there’s no one you can turn to for help, what do you do? What can you do?

I’ve been thinking, not overthinking, just thinking.

Brief interruption while I share my amazement with the spelling program which in one paragraph accepts “overthinking” as a word, and it did it now as well, but in the sentence above it doesn’t. In the sentence directly above this paragraph it wants it to be over thinking. If the spelling program doesn't know, then how am I supposed to know? Maybe the spelling program on my blog platform will be more consistent. Sorry about that, back to what I was saying...

I’ve been thinking about what’s falling apart in my life right now. How I am losing control over the routines I have so clearly stated is important for me. I’m losing control over so many things at once and I do blame the fact that it’s getting dark outside. Maybe that’s the reason, the big problem right now. It’s just that there’s not much I can do about that. It will continue to get darker until right before Christmas. I can’t change that, I have to accept that and try to do the best I can despite that. There’s not much I can do about the rain either or the fact that rainy days makes the darkness even darker. I have to live with that. I have to find a way to live with that. To live with all the things that I cannot change. Somethings I just have to accept and move on.

There’s always that huge white elephant in the room I keep trying to avoid, but it’s a fact I need to accept and learn to live with. My ex left me for another girl. They have been together for a long time now. I found out four weeks later than would have been fair, but that’s how it is. She exists, they are in love and happy. There’s probably a lot I could do about that, but I don’t want to destroy anything. I don’t want anyone else to go through what I am going through. I’m not evil. I still care. But, difficult as it is, I have to accept it and try to figure out where I want to move on to. Staying friends or not? That’s the question. Most people would leave if they felt the pain I’m still dealing with. But I can’t. Leaving or not, I’ll still know they are together and all that, and I would lose the friend I had, the brother I had.

That’s a another big problem, but as with the darkness, I can’t do anything much about it. Instead I have to focus on what I actually can change. Sleeping, taking walks, writing and all that. Maybe just not everything at once. I know I need it all, but it’s too overwhelming trying to sort all of it out right now. Especially since the darkness has me SAD and the other thing makes me sad.

I think taking it one thing at a time is a more likely route to overcoming these issues. This also means that I have to forgive myself if I don’t always manage to keep up with the other tasks on my daily agenda. Obviously I can’t stop writing or blogging now, but maybe I’ll have to accept that the quality isn’t going to be what I want it to be. That will cause me to lose viewers and readers, but then that’s how it’s going to be. Nothing is going to get any better if I keep running around chasing my own tail instead of making a serious effort, right now, to overcome the difficulties following in the footsteps of SAD and being sad at the same time. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices to keep going. Like I said I’m not giving up on writing, but I may not be able to work on my improvement as much as I would have hoped.

I’m not giving up on my photography either even if I am filling Instagram with old photos more and more. When I can’t bring myself to go out walking I can’t take any new pictures either. This is also something I need to forgive myself for. Even though I’ll still try to go out, just as I’ll keep writing, if it doesn’t work the way I want it to, then I’m going to have to accept that. I can’t see it as giving up, but I need to focus on one thing at a time.

I need to have one priority. If I can do any of the other things that’s a bonus, but there can be only one main objective. I need to sleep. Last night I fell asleep early. Early by most people's standards, it was around ten pm. I woke up at two am, but went back to sleep without checking in on my social medias. It was morning when I woke up again and at that time I did check in. Instagram need a lot of attention, takes a while to catch up after sleeping through the night. When that was done I was still tired and fell asleep again. Did sleep most of the day too, so I guess I’ll need a miracle to sleep tonight. But I feel a lot better after sleeping. I don’t feel as sad as I’ve been feeling the past week. I think sleeping at night is probably the most important routine and that deserves all the attention. Hopefully the other things will come easier when I’m sleeping better. Even if I need to take pills to sleep.

Thank you! Don’t forget - one smile at a time!!!

Trying not to give up...

Been watching Wire in the Blood, a great British police series, love Tony Hill. Been fiddling around with Instagram. Been thinking for a little over two hours about what to write. Had an idea and tried to work on it in my head, but nah… not good enough. Sometimes I have a feeling this is turning into an online diary instead of a blog. I keep repeating that I’m writing to heal myself, I’m blogging to heal myself, but I don’t know. It feels like I’m slipping. All the time I talk about I need to improve, I need to work on getting better, I need to edit… I need to plan. Well, I found a really good excuse for not planning a while ago. Silencing the mind so the soul could tell me what I need to know, need to do, need to stop doing. I need to go with the flow and can’t be hindered by plans. True or not, I still feel like I’m losing the grip of it all. If I ever had any.

A lot of the time I don’t even want to write at all. But I still do and when I post it, for the past week or so, every time after publishing a new post I think that no one cares anyway. It’s become a negative mantra. I do write other things though. I’ve begun a new project on Wattpad, a writing platform where you can read others work as well as write your own, and publish if you want to. It’s free and great if you enjoy writing. I write poems. Well, some kind of poems, not following any rules, but that can still be poetry, right? I write what I can’t say. The things that are on my mind, but I can’t say them. I’m sure I’d be hurting people if I told them so I write poems instead. Hoping they never find out, that they never find my poems, never read them or at least won’t understand it’s them I’m writing about. Though I’m afraid it’s frightfully obvious. Sometimes it feels as if writing those poems is a greater help to me right now than this blog.

The truth is I am having a difficult time right now. It’s not only my writing and blogging I’m losing control over. I have practically already lost control over my daily walks in the daylight, my photography sessions. More and more I find myself using old pictures that I’ve taken a day or a week before, because I haven’t been out all day. My sleeping… I never had any control over that. I did better for a while, but now it’s not working. I’ve talked about it so many times already, I feel as if  I’m just repeating myself.

I find myself at a crossroad again and I don’t know which way I should take. Bridges have been burning behind me for some time, so there’s no turning back. Besides we can only move forward anyway. But I don’t know where I’m heading, where I want to go and I have no idea where any of the roads lead. Trying to heal and get better physically, psychologically and emotionally is naturally a good idea, but that’s not really a goal. That’s a journey that can lead practically anywhere I want to go. If only I knew. If I had a reason, something to look forward to maybe it would be easier.

I miss my old taxi job so much. One of the good things about that job was the photo opportunities, but also that I would have free time, at work, while waiting for customers, to take care of my social media. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s a way back to that job.Not that I have really investigated the possibilities, I am not well enough for that, but my sickness record is a big warning sign for any employer. Besides that, I have no idea what I want to do or anything. I don’t know what I should work for. I don’t really feel as if there’s any reason to keep fighting anymore, to keep trying, to go on. I can’t see anything at the end of the tunnel that makes it worth the struggle to get through it.

This is a bad time of the year for me to start having doubts about the point of trying. It’s getting darker outside and I can feel the darkness growing inside as well. When I publish a new post I think: “No one cares anyway.” That’s not the only time I feel as if no one cares. It happens a lot during the day and practically all night. A month or so ago I said I was trying to get into the habit of going out, to get as much daylight as possible, because I didn’t want to be sad and have SAD at the same time. I knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. I was right. It is not  good thing. I am still sad, I’m not over it though it happened over a month ago. Maybe I should be, maybe that’s would have been more normal, but the truth is… I’m not. Not normal and not over it. I have written about that too. A lot. The deafening silence where there used to be notifications. The messages that doesn't get a reply in hours, days, weeks, where they used to be answered in a minute.

The darkness is making every day shorter that the previous and it’s going to get worse. The rain makes it even darker and it’s November, the rain month. Even got it’s own song, November Rain. Guns and Roses if you didn’t know. The darkness makes me want to hibernate, like bear, but when you can’t sleep it’s difficult. I don’t want to go out and meet people, I don’t want them to come over. My roommate would have been okay, but he’s back at his dad’s again. And the cat is just a cat. It’s difficult being face to face with people when you feel that they really don’t care. Messages are easier, you can hide your true feelings and lie with less effort. Pretending to be fine, trying to sound cheerful and positive while tears are running down your cheeks, because no one can see them. But when you don’t get any messages anymore, there’s not much to do.

I’m trying really hard not to give up. I’m sorry for being so negative, but I need some place where I can tell the truth. This is what the darkness does to me. And it’s only the beginning. This is going to be a long, difficult winter…

I’m sorry!!!

PS. I really need to start editing again. My writing is awful. I’m sorry!!!

I recreated myself - Ishi Emi 1 year today!!!

A year ago, today, on the fifth of November 2014 I recreated myself. I made a complete new Internet alias with all the things that go with it. New Google plus, YouTube, email, Twitter, Instagram and basically everything else you can think of. I did that because of a project I was planning, and I did work on it for a while, a short while. I needed a new identity, not because anyone would really recognize me from my old world, but because I needed something new. To recreate myself. Or maybe to become me.

When you grow up the people around you will have an impact on how you come to view yourself and who you eventually may end up becoming. If you’re lucky you have good people in your life, people who will help you grow to the best of your potential. If you’re not that lucky it will take some time and you have to do the work yourself, but you can eventually find out who you really are. As long as you can understand that some of the reasons that’s holding you back doesn’t really come from you. It’s what other people have told you is you. One example is my mother always telling everyone we met how shy I was. Of course I became very shy and kept hiding because I kept hearing that and people kept acting weird because of it. After I left home and began my own life away from her I realized I’m not shy. Maybe I don’t always feel like talking, but when I do, I really do, talk, a lot, too much even, sometimes.

I’ve always had a vivid imagination and as a child I’d have my own fantasy world. And to be honest. I still prefer an alternate reality sometimes. It wouldn’t be that different from real life, but I’d be slightly different. Most importantly I wouldn’t be so afraid of everything. I would have a better self confidence, which would make it possible for me to do the things I want to do, but I am too afraid of. Silly little things that are so difficult just because I always have that feeling that nothing I do is ever good enough. I am never good enough. In my fantasy I am so I do all those things and have so much fun. I feel so free, but of course that’s not real. Last year I began to understand that maybe that imaginary me could be the real me. The me I could have, should have been if it hadn’t been for the unsupportive mother always criticizing me. I had left home a long time ago, but I forgot to leave her truths about me when I left. I have kept repeating it to myself, that nothing I do is good enough, I’m not good enough. She didn’t have to remind me anymore. I had learnt that lesson. Last year I finally understood that it was her truth, not mine. I should stop listening to it and try to find my own. So I recreated myself.

November 5 I also created a new Minecraft account in my new name. I have mentioned the Lords of Minecraft server before. It was one year since I first joined the server on September 16. With my first Minecraft account. I was pretty much being me, myself. Scared of everything, afraid of all the people. Would only speak if spoken to. I have told you the story how writing thousand words a day made me finally join in some of the server fun that was going on. How I eventually dared to go where there was other people. And how much fun that was. I began to spend more time on the server, still feeling a bit awkward, but it was enough for me to forget about my writing challenge. That was okay though, because even if it was just online in a fictive Minecraft town, I was still out there where there were other people.

The I recreated myself for a new project. A writing project that completely ended when my new Minecraft character joined the server. I played the game differently. I spent more time where there were a lot of people. Just by being there, not just running through looking busy, but by just standing there a lot more people would start talking to me. Soon I had more friends than I ever had during the previous month and a half I’d been on the server. I joined in groups. A theater looking for actors, sound fun. Never mind being too nervous, I went and had tons of fun because of it. A book club advertises its existence. I go, the club quickly fades away, but I had already made new friends. I was more open towards other people, talking to other people, helping anyone who asked for help. Pretty soon my whole life was more or less on the server. Like I said there were a lot of fun and I’ve met so many new friends. Some have become really close and I still talk to them, maybe not daily, but often.

What’s funny about being this new person on a role-play Minecraft server, where I was practically playing a part, is that I have adopted some of the characteristics into my own life. I created a character and I became her. I created her the way I wanted to be and I began to change. Maybe because the server was such a big part of my life for a long time and because the people on the server would know me as the character I played it was easier to change that it would have been with the people who know me. Not saying I’m shy and scared of people, because I’m not. But there are things I want to do that scare me so I don’t. There still is, but I’ve learned that I am not only that girl my mother always said I was. I do also have the potential to be a lot more if only given the chance. Her truths about me held me back. Now I’m trying to find my own truth. And it feels pretty awesome.

Thanks for reading. Find your own truth and don’t forget to smile!!!

Constantly over thinking!

There really isn’t a lot of day left when you wake up at four pm. There really isn’t any kind of daylight. It’s pitch black outside my window. It’s too late for any photography except it I want to try for more night pics, but my camera isn’t really good enough for pitch black. The picture’s are barely good enough when light’s fading, much less when it’s gone.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not until nine this morning. And I was awake for some time around noon. I know that the sun was shining. But I didn’t go up, or out. Only place I went was back to sleep. Even though I need to go out and watch the sun, I also need to sleep. For me to force myself to stay up will only make it worse. The adrenalin keeping me awake is worse than any late night cup of coffee. Not that I drink coffee, but it’s what I heard. It can keep you up. The adrenalin makes my brain hyperactive and it’s not a good part of the brain. It’s the part that is sad, sentimental, feel lonely, abandoned. The part that will find every sad song there is to listen to and to fuel that sadness. The part that will go out and check up on people that should be left alone because what I find will always make me sad and cry. Crying and sad songs and a hyperactive brain can keep me awake forever. And it only gets worse.

A lot of the time, if I’m crying, if I’m upset, if I’m annoyed, if I’m angry, if I’m anything but okay, it’s because I am tired. Even if I have a reason for any of those things, I mean sometimes there’s a valid reason to cry, be upset or angry, but most of the time I keep it to myself. Nothing gets better by expressing the negativity of my mind. At least not in my case. If something really is wrong and needs to be changed then it’s better to wait until the first feelings have settled. Sleeping on it is a good advice. Decisions shouldn’t be made when you’re upset, discussions work best if you’re not angry to begin with. And I know that when I’m sleeping enough, I can still feel tired and all that, but I am much more capable of dealing with things. Not sleeping adds unnecessary stress to any problem.

I was feeling tired last night. I said good night to my friends and I turned off the lights. But then it all begins. It’s not just that I can’t get comfortable. It’s the thoughts. The feelings. The sad songs. The over thinking begins. It takes over, races off in a speed I can’t control and I know I’m going t crash. Watching a movie or a show doesn’t help me right now. I can’t concentrate. Keep checking the social media, where nothing has changed since the last time I’ve checked. The two people who were always there, who I got used to talking to over the summer. They’ve both left, they are too busy to talk to me. Like all the other people I know. Everybody’s too busy. I am beginning to believe that the worst part when a relationship ends is to deal with that silence.

With no one to talk to the over thinking has the field to itself. The thoughts can run around freely. The feelings follow shortly behind. And everything gets worse and worse. If you want to know where I get my followers from, it’s from nights like this one when the only thing I can do to try and control the uncontrollable mind race is to mechanically favorite and retweet, or to search for new pictures to like. Obviously finding all those quotes that makes the brain even more confused. Should I give up or should I not? Forgive or forget? As in forgive him and stay friends or forget him altogether? The quotes and poems… for everyone saying go there’s one saying stay. It’s not wrong that I still care, I should be proud to have a big heart. But I shouldn’t let people take advantage and use that big heart so I must stop caring about the wrong people. Everything sounds wise enough, but I still don’t know.

Then, as if he senses I’m about to leave, that I’m about to stop caring once and for all… That’s when he finds the time to say he misses me, he misses my voice. He’s not feeling well, he’s not doing okay. And I fall back into the trap again. Misses my voice… the lonely heart, so sad and abandoned takes whatever little crumb you throw it’s way. I know it doesn't mean anything. I know that. I shouldn’t even listen. I know that. My heart doesn’t. Or it doesn’t care. And I just don’t know if I want it to or not.

A friend of mine has no problem at all walking away if things doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t seem to affect her at all. Even when it’s someone she’s dated for awhile. She doesn’t fall in love that easily either. And if friends don’t treat her right they’re gone to. No matter what the reason might be. I’m not saying she’s a bad friend, on the contrary, but she doesn’t accept being used. If you don’t keep in touch, she’ll stop. She’s not going to chase you to be friends with you. Not that I chase my friends either, but I’m maybe a little bit more understanding when it comes to people with problems. Sometimes you need to check in on them even if it’s technically their turn to call.

I’m not really sure if I want to be like her. She’d tell me to walk away, leave, stop caring. But I feel that, even though it hurts me, forgiving, staying and caring sounds a lot more like who I want to be. Describing her in words like this makes her seem cold and selfish. I know she isn’t, but still. Maybe she just hides her feelings better than I do, but we were best friends once and shared everything. I think she would have told me.

I still don’t know what to do.

But thanks for reading!!! I hope you’ll sleep well when the night time comes your way!!!

Everything seems impossible

I don’t know what’s happening, but suddenly everything seems impossible. It’s as if I can’t do anything. I know I need to go out and do things, there are errands I need to get done. I know I need to get out in the sunlight to feel better as the times grow darker every day. I need to take my photographs because I know that makes me feel better. Posting them, and I must admit, I love when those likes come flowing in. It’s silly, but it’s fun. Someone likes what I do. As I’ve explained before, I’m not too used to that.

But it just seems impossible to get up, to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get going. I can feel a panic attack coming, I know I’d feel better if I just did go. That’s the strange thing. I know getting up and dressed, leaving the house and go do what I have to do would make me feel better. Still it seems impossible. And the longer I wait the more impossible it feels. The more my headache increases, the more sick I feel, until I just want to go back to bed again. Feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling like a failure. But I’m still not lifting a finger to actually get going. I’m still procrastinating. I don’t have too much time before that sun is going down and the lights will be to low for pictures. Any good pictures that is. Good quality pictures.

I’m tired, but I really shouldn’t be. I have slept. Even though I fell asleep pretty late I still got quite a few hours of sleep before the sun began to heat up my room too much. I am a little bit scared of keeping my window open because of the spiders trying to hide from the cold. In my bed, on my pillow, on me. But I did sleep, so I shouldn’t really be having this much trouble. There’s my cold of course. I can still feel it messing about in my body, but I was out yesterday and it didn’t bother me too much. I’m a little weaker than before, but not too bad. And it’s not really that cold outside either. And the sun is shining. And I’m over using and in the beginning of my sentences, I know. I do that sometimes.

If it was raining or cloudy it would be easier to understand, but the sun is shining. The sky is practically clear and blue. No sign of November rain yet. Hope I didn’t jinx it by pointing that out. A good enough reason to keep the window closed and the spiders out. Killing a spider means there is going to be rain. Where that idea comes from I have no idea. Maybe the Itsy Bitsy Spider song. Maybe it’s just a Swedish thing. Maybe it was just something my mother made up.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my physiotherapist, who’s also the coordinator for all the different groups of people that are trying to rehabilitate me back to health and work ability again. She was pleased that I’ve been walking so much last month, but troubled when I confessed that it hasn’t been happening the way it should lately. That I’ve been staying at home instead of going out. She was very concerned that I might be losing a very healthy and positive routine. Afraid that I would stop doing it at a time where I really need to catch all the daylight I possibly can. It helps make the problems of the dark less disabling. To keep getting the most beneficial light I have to go out earlier though. Two pm is becoming a little bit too late. Daylight is fading fast now and it can be really dark already around four. That doesn’t give me much time to get my photos and to take in nature in a positive way. I get stressed instead.

Getting up earlier to catch the light means going to sleep earlier. And that problem is real. It doesn’t matter what I do, no old tricks or household remedies work. Not even getting up really early helps because if I get too tired I can’t sleep at all. Like the little children when they are too tired I get hyper active. Well, as much as I can with my limited ability to move or doing things. My brain is hyperactive though. Sleeping becomes even more impossible when I’m really tired. Unless I pass out after a few days and nights without sleep at all. Tonight, I did sleep and today I can’t seem to get out at all. Writing this instead of actually going. Procrastinating.

Sitting here, writing instead of going out means that I’ll have the evening free when I get back though. Hmm… WHEN I get back. So I AM going then? Of course I am, I have to. It will make me feel better. When I’ve finished with my errands and I’ve taking in the beauty of the nature surrounding me and my town, maybe after getting some really nice photos… I know I’ll feel a lot better. So I have to go. Must focus on the positive. Must focus on the fact that this is good for me. Not going to do the easy thing, which is going back to bed because that will make me feel worse. Not staying at home because I have no Internet on my phone and maybe he will message me. That’s not even an option. I’m not going to stay at home to wait for something that probably won’t happen anyway.

Time to start running away again. Running away from the silence of the phone. To run away from the fact that at the moment I don’t really have anyone to talk to more than very sporadically. I can’t hear that silence when I don’t have Internet. When I’m away from home all I have is myself and any people I may find nearby. That’s being alone instead of lonely. That’s why I started my walking and photography sessions anyway. To find my way back to being on my own again. Alone with my thoughts and whatever I can do to amuse myself on my own. I’m not complaining, and I don’t mind being alone, I just got too used to not be alone, for a while.

Got to go now. Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day!!!