It should have been me

Seriously, I quit. I give up. For real. Unfortunately my doctor could see right through me so he took away my medicine. He's not letting me be in charge anymore, I'm not allowed to have medication at home in an extent that I could overdose them. I didn't tell them that there are other ways to die, because then he'd never have let me out. But there are other ways.

I can't take this anymore, I'm never getting a break, a breather, it keeps coming faster and faster, one disaster after another. After a moth in hospital, now I finally get to go home, now I could spend some time with my cat, but it's too late. She was dead when I came home. And yesterday I was in such a stupid hurry to get back to hospital I didn't really have time to check on her. Now she's dead. She died all alone because some stupid doctor had to keep me a day longer in hospital. There wasn't really any reason. Maybe my cat still would have died, but she wouldn't have had to be alone. I feel so guilty that I haven't been taking that good care of her lately.

It seems as if it doesn't matter what I do, it's always wrong. I can't even take proper care of my cat. And I should have known since last year when she ran away, that no one else would care enough about her to take care of her for me. You just can't ever trust anyone. Never, ever. But at least the people who were supposed to help me with things at home will be pleased now, it's a lot less work now that the cat is gone. It's so mean, but I am sure that's how they see it. Less job, they never see how much that cat meant to me or how terrible I feel about leaving her alone so much. And that she died alone as well. It's terrible. I was annoyed last time I was hone, because the people at the hospital took all day to arrange for me to go home over night, and then they wanted me back so early. I was just tired and upset about everything. And then my cat wasn't well either. She needed me and I let her down. I'm a worthless being. No reason for me to keep taking up space. It's easy for the doctor to say I should keep going, he doesn't have to be me. If he had to I'm sure he'd change his mind too. It's not any fun at all to be me. No point to be me. No use. There just isn't any reason at all for me to be here. Just because I'm in hell everyday, it's not like that takes the hell away from other people. If it did then there would be a point, but as it is now, there's just no point at all. I wonder what would happen if I went back to hospital saying that I'm giving it all up. I can't do this anymore.

My cat died. It's my fault. I should never have trusted anyone to take care of her. I should have let the hospital call animal shelter and let the take her. They could have helped her if she was ill too, not just leave her to die alone. I'm so stupid. I let my cat die all alone. It should have been me, not her.