Day two of blogging again. Day two of doing my writing public, of writing online, on the computer. It\s worse than yesterday, more anxiety than yesterday. Not because I'm afraid of writing online and such, or even fear of making it public. The problem is that I can’t write and hide at the same time. What I do all day otherwise is stream TV-shows or movies. Continuously all day and most of the night until I fall asleep. Theoretically I guess I could have something streaming while I write, but I think that would be too distracting. The resistance I feel about my writing is stronger than my will and/or need to write right now. So much time has passed since I did this every day I’m not sure I can do it. At the same time it’s not something new I’m trying for the first time and therefore find fund and exciting. I’ve done this before, I managed this blog before, but it’s as if everything that’s happened has or at least might have taken that ability away. So, there’s that and the fact that I can’t hide behind a TV-show right now. Alphaville is doing their best to keep outside disturbances to a minimum. Neighbors chatting, kids playing football (or soccer if you prefer). It’s been two lovely days, warm and sunny.
A while ago I read an article about blogging everyday and the author was of the opinion that it wasn’t such a good idea. The reason being it’s difficult to find a topic every day, it can also be difficult to find the time every day, but basically the problem was that it’s very hard to keep the same standard every day. He said it was better to just publish once a week or so. That would give time to do research, edit and work on the post before publishing. The varied quality of everyday blogging isn’t fair to the audience. It’s also possible to lose or miss out on followers because the standard of writing isn’t good enough. Everything he said was valid reasons to not blog every day. There’s a huge number of people who think blogging every day is good and even if I’m not going to mention any of their reasons they exist. I’m not the only one mad enough to try blogging every day. Reading that article I thought that maybe he’s right and what I’m doing is wrong. Today, day two of blogging again, today being the day after my first post, meaning I’m blogging everyday. I know, my writing, my sentences can be very weird and difficult. Today, though, when I am having anxiety levels that are too high because I have to keep writing, get into the routine, I can’t quit. But I wonder if every day is necessary. Necessary for me.
I’ll try to make sense of what I just wrote. I’m not deleting and starting over, I’m chasing numbers. One thousand words.
Why do I write every day? Well, the name of the blog is based on a challenge. The write one thousand words a day challenge. So that does kind of automatically lead thoughts to something done everyday. It is not easy when it’s a blog though. It’s boring if you write the same words every day over and over again. The topic of this blog has become my attempts at healing myself. Since I find the writing process helpful. My reasons may be very selfish, but maybe that can be helpful somehow, someday for someone else in a similar situation as I’m in.
I think the main reason for me to blog every day, to publish every day isn’t that it’s implied in the name of the blog. In my opinion it’s because if I do this every day and never stop, then I won't stop. One of the reasons I’m afraid of starting the blog up again is that I have stopped. Not only because the hospital visits stopped me, but also because I let other things come in between me and my blogging. The blog is supposed to help me heal, writing helps me sort things out, but I stopped when I really needed that help. I locked people out when I really needed the company. No matter what reasons I can mention to why I stopped, it’s excuses, not reasons. I didn’t just hide from panic attacks back then, I hid from the entire world. I am afraid I will let that happen again. That I’ll fail again. That’s why I’d rather watch TV than do this. And if you can imagine that this is something I love to do, but still there’s a part of me saying that maybe I shouldn’t. If it’s that difficult to do something I love, it’s no wonder it’s practically impossible doing the things I don’t even like.
I’m not good with routines. I get bored with all the things I’m supposed to do every day,with routines. So it’s not as if making it a routine makes it any easier. I might still have to force myself sometimes, but if it’s something I do every day it’s easier to do. Guess when I did my homework or studied for my tests. Last minute. Always. Maybe that’s my problem. Just realized I’ve always been living under the stress of things I need to do. Never able to relax because everything has been done. But that’s basically the things you do once and then you’re done. It’s not like household stuff that never ends, you’re never done. Have to make yourself do it. The Nike way - Just Do It!
I feel like this has been very complicated and difficult to understand. Probably because I’ve been procrastinating, have anxiety problems, TV show withdrawals and things like that. Mentioning procrastination I remember that’s something that can happen to ADHD people. There are plans of me being screened for ADHD, probably after the summer. There may be a reason I’m so good at it. Procrastination I mean. It’s not just a hobby - it’s who I am.
Made it! Thank you for visiting today! It’s summer - keep procrastinating!!!
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