Some people say, when things aren\t (which would be aren’t if Windows 10 wouldn’t change the keyboard to English all the time) good. That at least things can’t get worse. Things can only get better. I say that too. In real life though there seems to be no limit to how bad things can become. It seems as if there’s always a new level of bad. Yesterday I was tired, it was too warm to have a good rest during the day and I felt exhausted the entire day. It was bad, but it would get better, right? In the evening it would get cooler and after a good night's sleep it would be better. Right? Theoretically. It was a plausible theory. Real life is not theoretical and things don’t get better just because they theoretically should, or would, or could.
I have panic attacks. I’ve had them for some time, but after my first hospital visit they have become even more frequent. After the second visit they have become worse. Or have they? Can you really call it a panic attack when it never ends? I’ve had a panic attack all day today. Maybe I should call it an anxiety attack, maybe I should just call it anxiety.
It hasn’t been that warm today. A little bit cloudy and it’s been fairly windy. But I have neighbors. The neighbor on one side of my house began very early to scrape something probably to have it repainted. I don’t know what, but with my window and balcony door open and because it’s so close to my neighbor it sounded as if he was working in my room. Forget sleeping. I was still really tired, but it was too noisy. I turn on my computer (thanks to Windows 10 it’s always turned off nowadays) I start watching Law and order (started from the beginning so it’s season 1). I have no speakers connected to my computer so headphones is a must and a good thing because it blocks all unwanted noise.
Later. When the scraping has finally ended another neighbor’s kid starts playing with his football (or soccer if you prefer that term). The kids here have a favorite place to play which is to the side of my house, kicking the ball against the wall. There is no noise as annoying as a bouncing ball against your wall. Especially not when it’s kicked really hard and I guess that’s the point of the wall. Kick it when it bounces back and you might even kick it over the roof of the two story building. Naturally it bounces off my plastic roof over my balcony and lands in my garden, on my flowers. None of my neighbors care very much about that inconvenience. Either way, no sleep.
After the kid finally tires my neighbor to the other side of me (not the painter, the other one) decides to have a meal or something on their terrass. Always talking very loud and today they have a fight too making it even worse. I don’t like that family. They have always been weird. Parking their car on my parking place or blocking my garage. For a while I had to go over to them every day and ask them to move something out of the way. They don’t even say hi when we meet outside anymore. I really dislike them since they scared my cat when he was just a kitten. They cut the grass so close to him, when I went to rescue him I could feel the heat from the lawnmower blowing on my hand. My cat was terrified, shaking. I should have known they don’t care about animals. They had a harness for their pet bunny and their kid would lift it high in the air so the bunny was dangling in it. They thought that was funny and laughed. I don’t think the bunny found it funny. People who are cruel to animals, there’s no way I could like them. And I can’t really stand their voices even. So, no sleep.
I don’t know where my anxiety came from today. Maybe it was just all those random noises that sometimes would be heard over the show noise or in the intervals between episodes. Maybe it was the thought of writing this blog. Maybe it was because I noticed I was almost out of yarn for my project. I’m crocheting blankets from granny squares. Maybe it’s all the other things I need to do in my house and home, but I’m procrastinating. Maybe it was the reminder that I should probably paint my balcony too. And around the windows. I should replant some of my potted plants, they are just babies I started growing after my first trip to hospital. I really love plants, but all my old ones have died. Feels good to start over. It’s an old interest I’ve returned to. Just like the crocheting.
Anyway…
While I was watching Law and order, special victims unit, I was crocheting, procrastinating and trying to fight my anxiety I thought that one reason is probably that procrastinating I’m so good at. I thought that maybe I would feel better if I at least could write this post and have one less thing to worry about. But just having that thought made my anxiety level rise so I decided that I’ll try that tomorrow instead. Which in a way also is a form of procrastination, but to be completely honest, I think my entire life is about procrastination in one way or another. I don’t know how to fix it. Well, I do know that the answer is really “the Nike way”. The only way to not procrastinate is to “Just do it”. But I can’t.
Maybe it is part of some diagnosis or other, something I have as a symptom of something. Maybe it’s ADHD or ADD. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I have it or not. The only thing I’m sure of is that most of my procrastination isn’t exactly voluntary, my choice or my wish. I just don’t know how to just do it. Plans or schedules or deadlines only works sometimes for some things and then it’s mostly just for a while anyway. In the long run I’ll probably procrastinate everything.
I’ve filled the quota for today, over one thousand words, and this was not what I intended to write about, but anyway…
Thank you and take care!!!
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