Went out for a while this evening. Sat by the ocean in the freezing wind listening to the waves crashing into the rocks. I missed my old dog so much right then. There’s this special place where many people go for walks with their dogs. It’s a pier like thing of landfill material, rocks and such. It’s like a U-shaped path which create a pond like part in the middle, where the seabirds can have their nests close to the calmer water. I don’t know if you understand what I mean or if it’s even important.
I missed my old dog. Not only because we used to take walks out there, but because I haven't had a good day today. Usually when we went for our walks I’d let him run free, unleashed. He would never leave me. He could run ahead or stay behind but always keeping an eye on me. Never too far away. On a day like today though, he would never have left my side. He would have stayed close, sitting right beside me, leaning towards me. Even if this would have been the first time he got out today, even if he really needed to do what dogs do outside, he wouldn’t have. If I had a bad day he knew and he would not leave me for anything. I could almost feel him sitting there next to me though it’s a long time since he died. I wanted to hug him, bury my face in his fur and cry like I used to whenever things got too bad. He was so patient. A big strong cross between a Golden Retriever and a Collie. I never felt afraid going outside in the dark when he was with me. He would defend me, he was never afraid. Not even when there were fireworks on New Year's Eve. He’d sit next to me. Noise being too loud for his sensitive ears, but no sign of fear. Thunder storms that would have sent other dogs under the bed and me inside crying didn’t bother him either. Unfortunately in that case, because they did bother me.
I sat there listening to the ocean for a long, long time tonight. Crying, missing my dog… Thinking how I was sitting there, feeling miserable… at a place where so many people have ended their lives. It’s a perfect place to drive your car straight out into the ocean. The road from town, or where I live, lead in a very long and straight line straight out into the water. You can go in very high speed if you want to and it’s very deep. I knew a guy who were a volunteer firefighter at the closest station and they would be the first to arrive. Long before they could make it from town. He had many tragic stories to tell. That’s why I know. The water looked very cold and dark tonight though.
There were a few other cars passing me as I was sitting there. Passing very slowly. It’s at the end of the road, no one lives there, no stores, not really a reason for anyone to go there. Except to listen to the ocean in a freezing wind, too dark to walk the dog and no ferries in the middle of the night. Without my strong, brave dog to protect I got a little bit concerned about these people checking me out. I kind of got a little bit scared out there all alone in the dark nothingness where no one would hear me scream. To be honest no one would even if there had been people close by, it was way too windy.
I’m home now, so nothing bad happened. I didn’t do anything foolish and I didn’t let anyone else either. I left. I think that was a smart move.
It has not been a good day today. I have been very sad, I have been crying a lot and I do really not want to live. The cold, dark ocean was just not the place to go. I have promised my friends. I’m just saying it has been a bad day. And it feels like such a long day despite the fact that I woke up at 4 pm. I didn’t get much sleep during the moon eclipse events, couldn’t sleep at all the following day and it was a late night on top of all that. I am more and more realizing that sleep is good for me. Being up isn’t. Time to go back on the sleeping pills maybe. Stop talking to the overseas friends all night. Stop talking to… waiting for… If you don’t know what I mean, never mind. He’s livestreaming as I am writing this, by the way. Never mind.
It does feel a little bit better after I have been outside though it was late, it was dark, I couldn’t take any pictures. Maybe going out, getting fresh air is good for me too. I got a lot of fresh air, it was really windy.
Maybe I should, for once in my life, try to find some routines that are good for me and stick with them. I have managed, kind of, to keep up with the thousand words a day challenge, with the blogging to heal. I was gone a month, but I didn’t have any Internet. That’s why. Maybe I should challenge myself to a good night’s sleep routine as well as a walk a day routine. Preferably going out in the daylight. Pretty soon the darkness is going to get to me. When that happens a walk a day in daylight will be very important. Being sad and suffer from SAD at the same time is just too much. SAD - seasonal affective disorder, depression because of the dark. Happens to us living in the north. Daylight is just in too short supply during the winter. I’ll try to implement these new challenges into my daily affairs and update you on my progress I guess. I keep telling you about everything else going on so why not.
I’ve more than a thousand words now so I’ll stop here.
Thank you and I hope you’ll have a better day than I’ve had.
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