As we all know the only way we can go is forward, there’s no turning back. I’m standing in the middle of an intersection and the road behind me are just memories. The road in front of me, the path I was on has been closed, dug up, is no more. And I have no idea where to go now.
I am in hell, trying to choose where to go next. One road leads to continuous extreme pain, exactly like the pain I am feeling right now. I wake up in the morning and the pain hits me like a freight train on maximum speed. All I do is cry, and I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills for more pills, to try to fall asleep again. I don’t want to be awake, it hurts too much. I can’t breathe, I feel sick, want to throw up. I have nothing to throw up but pills. Can’t eat, any food I put in my mouth feels like I’m chewing paper, sticking to the inside of my mouth, making me sick. I can’t swallow anything. I am not hungry anyway.
I can’t live like this. I don’t care that it’s morning, I take my pills and try to go back to sleep. I don’t care that it’s time to get up and do something. I don’t care about appointments. I don’t care about anything. Nothing matters anymore. I give up.
There’s no healing this. Really no point in writing about it, I can’t heal this. I can barely write because of my tears making the keyboard right in front of me almost impossible to see, the words on the screen are just a fuzzy black mess I can’t read. I don’t know why I try.
Listening to Awolnation “Maybe I should cry for help. Maybe I should kill myself.” I don’t know.
I never knew anything could hurt this much. It makes my back pain seem like a mosquito bite and I bare feel those. It does literally feel as if my heart is breaking, being torn to pieces and crushed under the soles of heavy army boots. I can’t breathe. I feel physically ill. And it doesn’t get any better.
I don’t know what to do. It feels as if my life has ended, no point in going on, nothing matter anymore anyway.
My health is bad, my diabetes doesn’t seem to be controllable and that’s just one of my problems. I have panic attacks all the time now, anxiety levels that are insane. THen there’s my injuries from the car crashes. My neck giving me pain and migraines, my back that hurts so bad I can barely walk enough to get my groceries from the local tiny store. I can’t work because of all that so It doesn’t really matter that I lost my job a year ago when the company I worked for went bankrupt. It does matter though, I am now too ill to work and unemployed, that means different rules for receiving the pay I am entitled to. In May my sick.days were over and I had to get registered as unemployed for three months. That means I was entitled to unemployment pay, but they needed papers about my salary from my previous boss. With the company not existing anymore and the boss having changed phone numbers I couldn’t get those papers. I only got the lowest low of pay. No problem they say, you’ll get money from the social services people. In theory, but no I didn’t. They found some bank account with a little money on. An account I had totally forgotten about so no social benefits for me. And the fun part was that the money counted not only for the month when we found them but also for the next month. For the entire summer I got enough for food only, no bills got paid because I had no money. In July I didn’t even get enough for food. In August I got nothing at all. I lost my phone, my tablet was closed down, and finally I lost my WiFi. I didn’t have any money for food or anything. No family or friends to borrow from.
One thing kept me going through all of that, but it turned out I had really lost that too. Now I have nothing to keep me going, to keep trying to get things back on track. I still owe too much money. I may be forced to leave my house. My health is still bad, my injuries still a big problem, but my new pain is what really makes me give up. I have no reason to go on anymore. I have lost everything.
I have no family to turn to. Last time I saw my mother was when the police removed her from my garage a year ago. I have no siblings except some half brothers but we were never really close and when our dad died we had no reason to meet anymore. They are a lot older than me. Besides I never have forgiven them for not telling me when their sister, my half sister died, I had to find out from the obituary in the local morning paper.
My friends were mostly party people and when I couldn’t keep up with them anymore they eventually left without me. They don’t care about someone who can’t party with them anymore. My closest friends are too busy with their own lives, and now when we can’t phone or text each other they are gone too. The only friends I have are online and I just lost my closest online friend.
Never try to leave the friend-zone if you have a friend you really care a lot about. When the relationship ends you lose your friend as well. I don’t know which hurts more.
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