Foot note at the top of the page because there are no foot notes in this app. The "you" I talk to in the beginning isn't you, the reader. You, the reader appear later a long with a very uninvited house guest and I don't mean my roommate.
I feel physically ill, still. It’s as if every ounce of strength I ever had has been drained from my body. I’m literally shaking like a leaf. I can’t do this, I can’t talk to you about this. Why I said the things I said. My world had just ended, what did you expect? I wanted you to feel the pain I felt, I wanted you to be as shocked as I was. Obviously for other reasons, but still. Four weeks and not one single word? What did you think I was going to do or say when I found out, because you must have known I would. Right? The name, too easy to find on your best friends, you “sister’s” photos. You really should have told me instead of letting me find out like that.
I’m an idiot for talking to you. Why do I? Why?
I know she exists. I know she’s still there. Could we just not talk about her? I knew this was going to happen, I told you so.You’d find someone else and leave me. I knew that. I told you that I knew someday some lucky girl would end up with you, but it wasn’t going to be me. I told you, but you didn’t believe me. Said I was silly. I was right. Being right is more important than anything. It’s all I have left. Dignity left when I answered your message as soon as you sent it. If I had known what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten my Internet back. I wouldn’t be talking to you, I couldn’t be talking to you. I’d probably be drinking with my roommate who seems to have stumbled back into my house again. I’m glad he’s back though, my roomie. I really shouldn’t be alone right now, even if he is drunk.
I’m an idiot. I should have my keyboard taken away from me. My tablet so I can’t use it. I’m drunk texting my ex while completely sober. Or am I? There’s clearly something wrong with me.
Got so sidetracked by a spider appearing right next to my left hand while typing. The big kind with long legs. They all move into my bedroom when it becomes too cold outside. I don’t like spiders, but I would be kind of okay with them hiding from the cold in here if they only could stay away from my bed and me, but they don’t. It’s like they must come find me even if I kill them, which I do. Years of playing Minecraft has taught me at least one useful skill. Punching trees with my hand? Not so much, but I can kill spiders. Achievement get: Monsterhunter. Oh, yeah!!!
Told you I’m an idiot didn’t I?
And if you don’t know what Minecraft is… Seriously? You really should know what Minecraft is. Google it! Sorry, that was mean. I apologize. It’s a game, there are spiders. They are huge and will kill you if you don’t kill them first. Playing Minecraft during spider invasion season causes many occasions for screaming like the idiot I have so clearly stated that I am. There are also trees that you can cut down by punching them with your hands without a tool. Don’t try that at home! That hurts and the tree will not fall. There’s a lot of other things too. Too much for me to get into right now. It’s a game, most people I know play that game. It’s fun. If you haven’t tried it… Do! But be careful around the spiders, some are very poisonous.
Moving on…
I wish it was that easy. Just say the words and you’d be somewhere else. Whether it’s physically or mentally or just feeling differently for a change. Life just isn’t that easy. But for some strange reason… After having a talk with the one I can’t hate, the one I always forgive… After a talk with a mutual friend of ours… After screaming like a gamer boy before killing the spider, taking its first and last picture and sending it to everyone I know to freak them out…
Who am I kidding? Life is still over rated.
Should I mention the gamer boy reference? Okay, I will. In so many videos and live streams have I heard these gamer boys say: “I screamed like a little girl”. But personally, they are the only ones I’ve ever heard scream like that. I’ve never heard any girl little or big scream like they do. Unless she’s a gamer girl. Or me. Hm. Maybe I’ll have to rethink this…
Someone told me on Twitter yesterday… Yes, I still do Twitter, not like before, but still. This guy, one of my new followers and I had a little conversation. He said: “A sense of humor keeps you sane and intelligent”. I quoted the typical Life of Brian song: “Always look on the bright side of life”. He’s crucified!!! My physio therapist say I use humor to hide from reality. My two favorite morning radio talk show people say that humor is a way to deal with the things that are too scary and/or horrible. I’m not laughing, I’m not smiling. I’m just using my sarcastic vein to cope. It doesn’t mean that I am fine. But maybe it means that today, it was a little bit easier to stay alive, whatever the reason. And at the end of the day that’s still quite an achievement isn’t it?
It’s not the end of my pain. Not even the beginning of the end. But maybe the end of the beginning. Who was it that said I use a lot of cliches? I think it was the same person who asked me if all sand dwarves was as stupid as I was. I lost you when my Skype went crazy on me and forced me to update to a useless version I since had to replace yet again. I have no old contacts left and I can’t find you either. All my info is gone.
The sand dwarf? That a Lords of Minecraft thing. And as everything regarding Lords of Minecraft and me, it’s complicated. That became my standard reply, my slogan, but it’s true. And it’s also true in real life. It’s complicated.
Thanks for visiting!!! Wish you all the best!!!
Maybe we’ll meet again.
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