Yesterday was a bad day. Today is not a good day, but still it’s a little bit less bad.
As I’ve written about before, when I started this blog, it’s based on the thousand words a day challenge which basically means you write a thousand words every day. Logical and nice, right? I have done that challenge before, and I have been doing it for a while this time. I don’t really count the days anymore. August first I added the new challenge of posting my thousand words in this blog and to make it work as a blog. I eventually managed to validate my ideas of sharing these challenges as my way of healing. I write to heal and I publish it because maybe it can be of help for someone else. The excuse we narcissistic writers use as explanation for our incredible need to share our thoughts and ideas with the world. Maybe it will help someone else. Maybe someone might find it entertaining. There are many ways to explain why I share all of this with you. I have talked about this before, and I probably will again.
As I said before, yesterday was a bad day. I was out crying in the wind, missing the comfort and safety I once had in my old dogs company. I was tired, I was sad, I didn’t go out until it was very late and very dark. I decided to add two new challenges to my attempt at healing myself. Sleep every night and go out every day. Sleeping went so, so, but I got a few hours anyway, eventually. Technically maybe not at night, but it’s okay sleeping at day now. It doesn’t get stupid hot anymore and people are at work. I even managed to go out while the sun still was up. The only problem is I am wasting a little bit too much money on gas and sandwiches than I really can afford right now, but let's spend it while I’ve got it. When I run out I run out. I feel it’s important right now that I get out of the house, and that I eat Something.
I visited a place today that I have passed basically every day since I’ve moved to the house I currently live in. It’s on the way to town, the way to work, the way to school. Ot it’s one of two possible roads to town, the closest. Every day I passed this hill by a bridge across a tine river, I do actually live on a large island though it isn’t really that obvious. You can go all the way around it by boat. I did a few years back and it’s really beautiful. But. There’s this really big hill on one side and on top of that hill is a bird tower, a tower for watching birds. There’s a great view in all directions. I’ve never been up there before and it was quite a climb for my poo back, I didn’t even go all the way- I found a bench and I stayed there for a long, long time. It was really beautiful even if I wasn’t even close to the top of the hill. I will definitely go back there and maybe next time I’ll make it all the way.
It feels a little bit better, but it’s still a long, long way to go before I can say it’s been a good day again. Sometimes I think that will never happen again. Sometimes it feels like the heart is literally breaking, physically. I have chest pain as if I was having real heart failure. Not panic attacks because trust me, I know what they feel like. This was a physical pain. It’s okay though. If I have a heart attack… nothing I can do about that is there?
I am not trying to die. I am sorry if I keep sounding as if I am. I still don’t want to live though, but that’s not exactly the same thing. I have promised my friends to try and I will. There are some people, some friends that just mean so much you just don’t want to let them down. Then there are some people I wouldn’t care if I broke a promise to, some people kind of don’t deserve the same amount of trust or care or something I can’t quite explain right now. But I guess those people are probably not exactly friends, are they.
I am fortunate though, in one way, because I do have some friends that are really amazing. Some I talk to basically every day, some a little bit more seldom, but I know they are always there. I know they are looking out for me, that they worry about me. I check on them too, the ones I know where to look for. Even if we are not speaking at all for some reason or another, I still check. And I do know they do too. That’s pretty awesome. People I haven’t talked to in months came out to ask why I had changed my name and pictures on my Twitter account. People who were quite mad at me when we had talked last. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter, that I don’t matter, that no one cares, why would anyone care? And then, all of a sudden they are all there, doing things that I’d never ever expected anyone to do. I can’t really tell what because it’s not really my place to tell when it involves other people, but you know how sometimes, not very often, but still…. when someone does something that is so awesome you just can’t believe it, you get a shock, but a good one, you cry, but it’s just too unexpectedly awesome. Don’t say that will never happen to you! I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Don’t say you don’t deserve it! I didn’t think I did. I never thought I’d deserve friends as awesome as these guys are, I still don’t but still… there they are. I love you guys!!!!
Done for the day. Passed my thousand words. Thank you and have an awesome day!!!!
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