Yesterday, when I got back from my outing my tablet was really noisy. I don’t know if I mentioned that or if I only tweeted it. Either way it was buzzing and whistling like crazy from all the messages finally being loaded when I got in range of the WiFi at home. The Internet on my phone and tablet is still not opened. I think I mentioned that yesterday. It was a lot less noisy when I got home today, but still… some people had been trying to reach me while I was out.
I went to the same place as yesterday. The steep hill halfway into town. I walked up to the bench I spent so much time on tomorrow and I walked a little bit further to a really super view of the Umeå River delta. So glad I finally have taken the time to explore this place instead of just driving right past it. I’ve been thinking about stopping so many times. I have stopped sometimes to take pictures from the road beneath, but I’ve never climbed the hill. Like I’ve said, amazing view.
As I was sitting there today, on the bench, watching the view I was thinking about things. I believe that is quite common with most people, to think about things. But anyway. I was thinking about these walks, or at least the going out in the fresh air part, the taking pictures part. Obviously this is good for us. Being outside, in the daylight, in the fresh air… we still have that where I live. The air is fresh. And daylight, still daylight for many hours. Not like in the summer but not yet as few as it will be in a couple of months. We do not have many hours of daylight in December, around Christmas.
So, you know, challenging myself to get out at least once everyday is really a good thing. The staff at the medic center would all agree. Taking pictures is a good hobby to have, especially since I mainly take pictures of nature it brings me outside to explore, which means walking, which is good for healing my body. My back and my diabetes gets better from exercise. The thing is I don’t think this is the reason why I feel this need to get out. I realized today that what I am doing is what I always do, I am running away. I am not trying to solve a problem by taking a healthy approach to it. I am running away so I don’t have to deal with it.
The buzzing, whistling tablet yesterday when I got back home is one of the clues. It made a lot of noise because everything that had been stacking up over many hours got delivered all at once. But in reality, it’s very quiet. It’s too quiet. I was used to having a lot of buzzing more or less from when I woke up until I went to bed. That doesn’t happen anymore. Going outside where I have no Internet the quiet is just quiet, but when I am at home where there’s WiFi… there’s something missing. The quietness is very loudly reminding me of what I have lost, of what’s not there anymore. And I just can’t take it. That’s why I have to get out, that’s the real reason. All the rest is just excuses I tell myself to make believe I am actually doing something right for once. I am lying to myself and for a while I believed it. For a while I almost believed I was doing better, but the truth is… I’m not.
I still have problems typing this because the tears are making it difficult to see. It still hurts like razorblades in my throat when I try to breathe. I still cry so hard I throw up. I still need too many pills to sleep and if I don’t take any I don’t sleep at all. I still can’t eat because every bite I try to swallow makes me feel like I’m choking. I’m not doing better and I still feel that living isn’t really what I want to do. I know I have promised my friends. I will keep my promise, I’m just saying… I am not doing one bit better. Maybe a fraction of a bit, but not a bit.
To prove to those of you who may be concerned about my unwillingness to live I can comfort you with the fact that I am kind of making plans for things I might be doing in the future and a person who is making plans isn’t exactly going to end it. Unless the plans is on how to end it… That’s not what I am planning though. This is probably not going to make anyone feel better, but I have had my suicide plan ready for years, I know how to if I want to, no more planning needed. I know I am dark-Ishi, but the plans I am making right now is not of that dark kind. Can’t tell you what it is, and to be honest it may not lead to anything, but it’s something for the brain to do that isn’t about over thinking the hell I am in right now. Any distraction is a good thing, right? Maybe running away is too. Maybe it is good to lie to yourself sometimes, at least if you are as gullible as I am, believing any and all lies.
I am sorry I am making such a poor job with the blog part of this writing challenge right now. I am just trying to figure things out and I am finding it rather difficult. Right now. I feel very lost and I have no hero that can come find me and rescue me. I have to find my own way home. And I know I must have told you how bad I am at directions.
Getting closer to the one thousand again. Thank you for staying with me, it means a lot to know you are out there, watching over me.
I really hope you are having better days than I am!!!
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