Day nine

Today it seems impossible. I don’t know what to write about and I don’t know how to put a sentence together. Maybe it’s not the worst day of a person’s life that’s the hardest to survive. Maybe it’s the day after, when you know you’ll live, but you’re still not quite sure how. It’s as if you’re hungover from overthinking and, in my case, from writing about overthinking. If one day you overdo it the next day you’ve run out. Probably not how it works in the real world, but still. it is ironic how an exercise that is supposed to help you overcome writer’s block and get you on the right writing track can leave you completely stuck on the blank page…

I did have a plan though. My intentions for today was to ask if you ever felt as if the universe was working against you. Sometimes I feel as if the obstacles stack up against me, growing higher and higher until I am forced to give up. One day of procrastinating, next day the world ends..

Let me tell you a story to explain what I mean. Some years ago I decided to get serious about running. I had been before but I never really could run the full distance.We have these special tracks in the forested areas in and around town where you can run in the summer and ski in winter. There are lights so you can use them even when it’s dark.The tracks are 3.2 and 5 km, which is roughly 2 and 3 miles. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I was still mixing running with walking.

It had been a great spring and the tracks had dried up early. My dog and I were excited to start running in the “wilderness” again instead of walking the streets. I was thinking that if the fall would be as good as the previous year I would be able to reach my goal before the end of the season.

Every day my dog and I went for our “run”, everyday a little bit faster than the previous day. Afterwards we*d have a rest on the cliffs leading down to a little lake next to the tracks. My dog went in the water to drink and sometimes have a swim. He was part golden retriever after all. They love to swim, don’t they? Both of us were really enjoying ourselves. I could feel the endorphins having a positive effect on my well being. It was a beautiful time of year in the forest when everything was coming back to life again. Before the mosquitoes wake up and become a problem.

The school year came to an end and the kids from elementary school had, as they always do, a ceremony in church where they sing songs, there’s music, the headmaster gives a speech and it’s a nice way to start summer break. After the ceremony that year I thought this would be a good time to make up with my mother. We hadn't been talking to each other for months. I approached her asking her if we couldn’t be friends again. I was trying to give her a hug to show I meant it when she said no and turned away from me. We were right outside the church, in front of family, relatives, friends, neighbors and all other people. She just walked away.

When I came home I took out my frustration on our garden. There was an area that needed some work. I started digging, removing all grass and weeds. Every single fragment of the roots had to go. It was a heavy job and I was determined to do it myself, it started to rain, but I kept going. I needed to do this to get away from the pain caused by my mother. The cold rain was running down the back of my t-shirt, but I didn't care. People came and talked to me, telling me it’s raining, wanting me to come inside, but I told them this had to be done. People came to tell me dinner was ready, to come inside and eat, but I wasn't hungry. I kept working until it was too dark to work.

I got a cold. Not too bad. My throat was sore, I was coughing, my nose was running. I wasn't. I tried to keep running but it’s not exactly a good idea to exhaust yourself when you’re having a cold. When I got better, started running again, went back to working in the garden as well. Until one day when I ran out of material. We went into town, we found everything I needed and then some. On our way home the car behind us had some problems with understanding personal space. It was way too close. At the end of the road, at the stop sign. We stopped, the car behind us didn’t. Until our car did the job for it. There wasn’t a scratch on our car, the other had a broken blinker light. I got a whiplash that still bother me today.

After exchanging information everyone went their own way. On the way home I could feel the pain grow stronger in my neck. The next day I called the medic center, I said I’d been in a traffic accident and my neck hurt.They told me to take Tylenol. Like that would help, and by the way, sorry I though the health care was supposed to… care. My bad. The accident was a Thursday, medic center turned me down on Friday. On Sunday I had to go to the ER because I was unable to do anything but cry of pain. They told me I had a whiplash and referred me back to the medic center on Monday. I did get some pills though.

After that accident I had to stop running. It hurt just to walk. It hurt to breathe. It hurt so bad I would yell at people in the store if they bumped into me. I don’t yell… I still can’t run the distance. I had to give that up. I find these things often happen when I try to make any kind of change. The obstacles preventing me from doing what I want gradually increase until I am forced to give up. Is this just me or does this happen to other people? Or is it just me? Am I just being too negative?

The end of my work today and the end of the day. Tomorrow is luckily a new day. I know it will be better. It can’t be any worse.

Thank you for your time. I wish you a wonderful day!!!