What came first, the worrying or the sleep deprivation? It’s common knowledge that worrying can ruin your sleep, but did you know that lack of sleep can make you worry more? I read somewhere, probably in a tweet and everything you read on Twitter is true!? Just kidding, I’m a Twitter addict, I confess. Anyway I read that after a certain amount of time without sleep chances are you can even become psychotic. Hm? I don’t think I’m quite there yet. But seriously, I can believe how it could happen, maybe in torture situations where people keep you awake. Under reasonably normal circumstances, I think we eventually just pass out before we reach that state.
I do believe though, that lack of sleep makes it more difficult to deal with problems and troubles. Things that normally wouldn’t bother you can become the worst thing ever. I’m not talking about missing an hour here or there because you sometimes stay up late or even the odd sleepless night. I mean when it’s something that happens more as a rule than an exception. A lot of people who are depressed don’t sleep the way they should, but is that because of the depression? Or are they depressed because they’ve been losing sleep? Can you make yourself depressed by giving up your sleep?
Enter blogging advice mode: I’ve written two hundred words, let’s see where we are going with this. Is this where I wanted to go or do we redo? I don’t know, let’s try two hundred more and see what happens. Sorry for the interruption, moving on...
As I have mentioned before, in multiple previous posts, I do have a serious problem with my sleeping. Sleep is not happening at all, way too often. I haven’t exactly been keeping track, but I am pretty sure I am up for more than twenty four hours straight at least once a week on average. I hardly ever sleep at night, that has happened maybe once or twice per month for some time now. Because of the season with warm days and people on vacation being outside and noisy it’s often impossible to sleep during the day, that’s why I end up staying awake for very long periods of time way too often. Using music or movies to help block disturbing sound out can work for awhile, but in the long run it’s not an option. Try sleeping with headphones on and you’ll understand. It’s not comfortable at all.
I’m tired. Most of the time. Not that well rested ever was a thing for me before either, but I didn’t feel like this. It does affect my mood, my temper and my ability to do the things I should do. It’s easier to just do nothing which kind of is synonymous to Twitter in my case. #procrastination is a big part of my life at the moment. Obviously this causes a lot of problems, making me worry and we all know that worrying can kill sleep just as efficiently as video games or the Internet.
Enter blog advice mode part II: second check of where we are going with today’s post. Not at all pleased with my ability to write today, but it’s the best I can do under the circumstances. Sorry for interrupting again…
My writing today isn’t going well today. I am very tired, I have a headache and I am feeling very sad. To be honest I would prefer to go to bed, hide under my blanket and cry right now. trying to write something that makes any sense to anyone else is so far from my current state of mind as you possibly could get. But I am writing and blogging to heal so I must keep going. Giving up and crying is not an option right now. This is what happens when I am losing too much sleep for whatever reason. I feel sad, I want to cry. There’s no problem finding a reason to cry, there’s always some little pebble in the shoe of calm and collected that can grow to a huge, sharp rock that tears it all up. Extremely tired does not always go too well with calm and collected. Anything and everything you normally shrug at becomes super annoying and must be dealt with accordingly. Aggressively even. It wouldn’t take much to start a fight with me right now. Or maybe I would start it. Passive aggression is still aggression and I do it so well. That’s “Bitchcraft - the art of pissing people off while smiling sweetly.” Found that on Twitter.
Problem easily solved you say? Just sleep. I know, I would feel so much better tomorrow if I just went to bed tonight, turn off Twitter, the computer, the lights, and go to sleep. Friends can wait until tomorrow, Twitter can survive without me, the computer does want to restart anyway for some updates. So sleep. It’s just that my pebble has become big and sharp. I’m not in a good mood. Having forced myself to stay up and finish this has increased the adrenalin levels in my mind I can’t sleep now. Brain is working in overdrive over thinking everything the tiny cells can grab on to. Calm and collected and their close friend relaxed are not coming to visit me anytime soon. I also find it strangely difficult to sleep when I have a really bad headache. It’s not a migraine tonight, but it’s still very painful.
I just wish someone would hug me right now. Maybe hold me while I cry for a while. That’s not going to happen though. Like some crazy old cat lady I am going to have to make do with my cat, wherever she’s hiding right now…
At this moment I am not quite sure how what I have written today can help me heal. It seems like I have just been complaining about not sleeping, when that problem would have best been solved by sleeping. Still I am writing instead. Maybe I just wanted to let you know that my bad temper, bad mood, my sadness and passive aggression isn’t always something I can control. Maybe I just wanted you to know that I can’t always stay up and talk to you no matter how much I want to. Maybe I just wanted you to understand that I have to live in my time zone if I want to feel better and heal. I guess now you know.
I’ve passed my magic number and now I’m going to pass out.
Thank you, have a wonderful day and I hope you will sleep well when your time is right!!!
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