Day seven and I have no idea what to write. I’ve been procrastinating all day. Leaving the blank page open as a reminder that words need to be written, but it didn’t help. I have run out of words, my mind is empty.
I am very tired. Maybe there’s a reason why the seventh day was earmarked for resting. Sometimes we need to take a break. To get away from it all. All the stress of making everything in our lives work. Or at least a day a week to enjoy what we’ve got, to enjoy life without having to worry about our obligations. Not meaning to imply that everybody worries all the time or feel the weight of too much pressure and stress. It is still probably a good idea to have time to do nothing. Maybe if I did what I was supposed to instead of procrastinating I would have time to do nothing.
I need to sleep. Even though I did get some sleep done last night, it was not nearly enough. For some reason I woke up just after 2.30 am and couldn’t fall asleep again. To be honest it might have a little bit to do with the fact that I was watching a horror movie when I fell asleep. Not all horror movies are good bed time stories. It wasn’t even a very good movie, maybe that was the problem. It wasn’t good enough...
I often fall asleep to movies or TV shows. Or I should say I have been doing a lot of that lately. I haven’t always been a person who falls asleep on the couch. Maybe falling asleep is the wrong word though. Maybe it’s more like passing out due to exhaustion than actually falling asleep. I don’t get nearly enough sleep these days. Maybe it has to be a good movie or TV show, something that I actually want to watch and get caught up in. Something that can occupy my mind enough to keep the restlessness away, to keep the demons’ evil thoughts away. So that while i concentrate on the movie my consciousness can slip away. Leaving me asleep.
A movie or some good music also works perfectly as a much needed sound barrier. I have always needed absolute silence to sleep and the warm, sunny summer days I’ve been trying to sleep on isn’t quiet. My neighbors, who apparently all sleep at night, are outside enjoying their vacations. Music playing, talking, laughing, kids screaming and bouncing footballs, dogs barking. Sorry, obviously I mean soccer balls, I am European after all. Anyway. Life is happening outside my open window while I try to sleep. All because I live in the wrong time zone.
Star wars was great for sleeping. All six episodes. It took me a long, long time to get through each and every one of those movies. I had to start over every time I fell asleep. Maybe not all the way from the beginning, but I’d often fall asleep a few minutes in. Don’t get me wrong, I love Star Wars. Like I said it has to be a good movie to work, so I don’t get bored and start thinking about other things, or start doing something else while watching.
Not getting enough sleep seems to be an efficient way of losing the words. In fact I think you lose more than words. There’s also spelling, grammar and the ability to make sense. Sure, typing random letters or words, pretending that’s writing is still possible. Just keep going until the program has counted to one thousand. That program doesn’t care if it makes sense or not. It's all about them numbers. No grammar. I’m not even going to try kidding myself into believing that anyone but me will fully get those last lines, but that’s okay.
It’s day seven and I am back to random ramblings. I have tried my best to explain why today is one of those days when it’s not going to be great, not that I ever believe it’s great. It’s barely at that level where I can publish without feeling too awkward about it. Today isn’t one of those okay days though. Today is a day where I do what I have to do just to keep things moving along. I will produce some kind of thousand word soup that may or may not make sense to anyone but me. I will publish a blog post consisting of dear diary confessions. Not even pretending to try and make it a real blogpost. Whatever that might be.
Today is all about keep going and not giving up. We will not achieve greatness, but we still kept going. Still held on to the habit of writing and blogging every day. At least not failing at trying. Allowing myself to have a day off from any greater achievements than just that. I still wrote my words, I still published a post, I still tried. Even though I knew all day that it wouldn’t be easy today. I still did it. I beat the challenge for today. I didn’t give up. Even when it feels like it’s not a good day we still have to keep going. Right?
I remember when I was learning how to drive I was staying with my half brother and his girlfriend instead of commuting to school, an hour by bus every morning and night. Staying with them was mostly okay but not always. One night they had a terrible fight, neighbors got involved and threatened to call the police. I was in a state of shock the next morning when I left for my early morning driving lesson. The owner of the driving school, the husband of one of my cousins, noticed I came in early and seemed upset. I told him about what happened and how I felt. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving that day. He replied that I definitely should. That there will be times when I am going to have to drive feeling stressed, upset, sad, or all of the above. Even when it feels like it’s not a good idea to drive you still might have to do it. Better learn how to do it safely.
There will be bad days when the challenges to make changes seem less important, but that’s the days when they are the most important. Bad days will come, the key is to ignore them as much as possible and still keep going. Maybe this is obvious to all of you, but it hasn’t always been that way for me. I have had to deal with the depression dragon a lot and for me that means giving up.
And with that I have reached and passed the goal of one thousand. So I will end this post here and continue tomorrow.
If you made it this far...
Many thanks and I hope you’ll have a wonderful day!!!
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