I think I might have finally got it. Today is day fourteen of my public thousand words a day challenge and my blog and I have finally found out what it is I am doing here. I’m writing, I’m blogging my way back to life. Not just any life, my life the way it was supposed to be. Not only just the way it was before everything became a dark nightmare, but the way it should have been, the way it could have been had I been given parents with a different set of qualities than mine had. However, I’m not child anymore, I’m a grown-up and I can be whomever I chose to be. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I will make it happen.
Being the Twitter junkie I am I find my wisdom in tweets. Some of the tweets I get do actually have at least a tiny little bit of wisdom in them and then, one day, there’s the one that makes everything clear. I think I might have found mine. It was yesterday. The tweet said that telling our story helps us heal ourselves and that it could, at the same time, potentially help the healing of others. I don’t expect that my writing could have any deeper impact on anyone else’s situation, though. That would be a bonus if, I could save someone from the darkness, but this is me being the narcissistic writer. I am doing this for me!
I’ve been told a few times lately that I care too much about what other people think. About me, about what I do, what I say, how I say it. Not only do I care, but I have taken it upon myself to decide what it is other people think about me. And it’s not nice. A therapist I met for an evaluation a month ago told me I was rude. Because I didn’t let people make up their own minds and if they still did and liked me or anything that had to do with me, then I’d tell them they were wrong. That’s rude. They are entitled to their own opinion, but I can’t take a compliment, I can’t believe them, so I am rude. Me being rude has now been added to my list of not being good enough, the one I have been working on during my years on this planet. It's a long list of truths about me that, funnily enough, originate in other peoples' opinions of me.
Believe me, I really don’t mean to be rude, I don’t want to be rude and I do still care what other people think, but I have to do this for myself. When I say that I am doing this for me it probably sounds as if I don’t care or want to care about my readers either, but the thing is I can’t stop caring about what you think of me. The thing is, I have to figure out how I can do the things I want to do and be myself, while caring what you think. To still be able to be me and not give up. Does that make any kind of sense? Let me try to explain…
My problem, and maybe this is the problem of everyone who care too much about other people’s opinions, I let it get in the way of what I want to do. I am afraid that other people will judge me, that they will realize that I don’t know what I am doing. That I’m a fake, a fraud, that I am just pretending. That I’m not good enough. I don't know why I think they care so much about me or what I do. Maybe it's because people always seem to notice when I fail, for some reason. Because of these fears I get a panic attack. One example is Vine. The thought of posting a Vine, an original Vine that I made makes my stomach turn and I give up on the idea.
Posting a Vine or not isn’t the end of the world. I know that. If it’s such a big deal then don’t. Right? But that’s not the point. Vine in itself isn’t the point. I mean sure Vines are funny to watch and all that, but we managed to survive a long, long time without them, didn’t we? I'd be just fine without making or posting any of my own, so why bother? What’s important isn’t the Vine itself or the sharing of the Vine it’s something that goes deeper than that. It’s about me, who I am and whether it’s acceptable for me to do something like that. Vine is for the cool kids doing fun stuff and showing it to the awed public. I’m not a cool kid, never have been, never thought I was, never going to be a cool grown-up either. So what am I doing thinking I could be a part of their world. Of course I realize that no one would care, because no one would even notice me, but it still scares me that some of them might and that they would be ever so willing to share their negative opinion of me and my abilities. I “know” I’m not good enough, but it still hurts when other people are too willing to agree.
Like I said, Vine isn’t the end of the world. If I am that scared of the people on there I could just stay away. I could watch the cool kids Vines without participating myself. The opposite Nike, just don’t do it! For some reason I just can’t let it go though. It feels like something i have to do. If only to prove to myself that I can. Just like I had to get on Instagram, another hang out spot for the cool kids sharing their party pictures and endless selfies…
It does sound as if I don’t like the cool kids, doesn’t it? If I don’t like the people on Vine and Instagram, why don’t I just stay away? I’m not looking for their approval, so what is it? A lot of the time I don't even like their stuff. I think the reason I come off as negative towards them is that I envy their self confidence. It’s not like everything they do is good and far from everyone is doing a good job. But they still do it and they are proud of it, of what they do. They want people to see them, to notice them, to see and notice what they have done, what they do. While I hide, they step out there on the ledge where people judge you and they say hey here I am, this is what I’ve done. Have a look, like it, reVine it. I could never do that. It must feel wonderful.
With thoughts of feeling wonderful I have reached my magic number though, time’s up. I’ll continue tomorrow.
I do care what other people think… feel free to leave a comment if you feel like it. If not that’s fine too…
Thank you for your time, I hope you will have a wonderful day!!!
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