For fifteen days I have been writing a thousand words every day. For fifteen days I’ve been publishing my thousand words in this blog. I haven’t always felt entirely motivated. There have been times when i just didn’t want to write. Times when I really regretted the blog idea because I felt extra pressure to deliver. Maybe I wouldn’t have given up exactly, but there have been days, when I could have used a break. In the end though, it does feel good afterwards. When I finally have managed to put the words on the paper. By then I am glad I didn’t take that break, that I kept going. I owe that thanks to the blog and anybody who might be reading the posts.
If sometimes this, the writing and blogging, feels overwhelming, too difficult, I now realize it’s because I’m not at full health. That helps me from getting upset and feel frustrated, and I know that by trying I’m doing something that helps me getting better. Understanding the reasons why a task seems impossible helps making it possible. Realizing that it’s not your fault makes a huge difference. Even if it should prove to be your fault… Well, then you can go on to figure out why you “sabotage” for yourself. You might find that this isn't what you want at all, whatever “this” may be. And if it isn’t what you want then you should quit. That’s not the same as giving up. That’s just realizing it’s just not you thing. Now you can move on and find what it is you’re supposed to do instead of forcing yourself to do something that isn’t right for you. And by you I mean me. And by something I mean Vine.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post I have the weird idea I want to make Vines even though it scares me just to think about it. I can be afraid of the weirdest things. Most of the time all of it has to do with no confidence. I always doubt that the things I do are good enough. If I do something I want it to be perfect or I won’t do it. Obviously nothing is perfect the first time. I can accept that, but when something gets posted, first time or not, if it’s bad it’s bad. Right? Other people will notice and that’s enough to make my stomach turn. If this is how I feel why don’t I say that’s not for me and move on to something i feel more comfortable doing? Vines is obviously not my thing. It’s just that I still feel like I have to try. I’m not ready to “give up” on it yet. It’s kind of like what my mother used to say about new food when I was younger: “You don’t know if you like it or not until you’ve tried it”. I have to try, at least once. Not now though. Later. Now I want to focus on blogging.
There has been times when I've felt as if I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. Why did I make the decision to post my texts in this blog? Just writing could have been enough. Trying to make a blog work is a lot of extra work… Yesterday I got the answer. I knew since before that the writing helped me solve problems and made me feel better. Helps me heal. Making it public in a blog helps me focus as I try to make what I write accessible for others to read. And maybe one day it could help someone else. At least you’ll know you’re not alone and not the weirdest person on the globe.
Some people who write, professionals, have a lot of good ideas about how we should go about the task. For example it’s suggested to take two minutes before beginning to wrote to sort through what it is we want to say. As you might have guessed I don’t do that. I never know what I want to write. But trying to improve as a writer means I have to try. Trying something once doesn’t really say much about a technique more than in my case this morning, it didn’t work. I still have no idea, no plan, but I can see that it might be a good idea to try anyway. I’ll probably keep trying and we’ll see what happens.
Another writing idea I’ve read about is to write two hundred words and then see if the text is going where we want it to go. That could probably work if we have a plan or at least some kind of idea about where we want it to go. Still, I did do that. Or rather I wrote all thousand words, then I went back to the two hundred line and rewrote everything after. I felt that the direction of the remaining eight hundred wasn’t heading in the right direction. There is more than one direction. As I am redoing a lot of work instead of just editing I have decided that a check every two hundred could be a good idea even if I don’t have an absolute plan to follow. This means I am going to have to read what I write while writing. Scary thought. Is it going to be good enough? Will I be able to make it better or will I find it too difficult and want to give up instead? We’ll have to wait and see….
All I can say right now is that I am feeling a lot better about my decision to do this. I am doing this for me and the numbers are of less importance. I will work at making the blog better for my readers in every possible way and I think that will be a lot easier now that I have understood what I am doing and why. Now I don’t have to question the very existence of the blog anymore. There’s a reason it’s here and it’s here to stay. Now all that energy can be redirected into making it better. The decision has been made, I am validating this blog. (Enter doubts: can you really say it like that?)
On that note I have passed my magic number. I will leave you for today….
Thank you and have a wonderful day!!!
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