It’s day thirteen of my challenges and I don’t want to write today. It’s warm and sunny outside. Temperature according to the thermometer is 20/68 degrees. Maybe not a lot compared to the temperature many of have to suffer. Sun shining straight at me through the window on one side and hot computer on the other makes it somewhat warmer in my room though. And there’s no such thing as air conditioner or fans. All I have is an open window and, if I’m lucky, a cooling breeze.
I’m beginning to bore myself and I’d much rather play Minecraft than do this right now. One might think going outside would be the preferred activity, but I am way too tired to go out. It’s way to hot for sleeping though.
I have been avoiding one question for days now. It’s time I do some thinking about what I am doing, start planning what I write about instead of hoping for some kind of interesting subject to magically appear when I need it. We’re almost at the two week mark and I’m still not completely sure what I’m doing or it it’s a smart thing to do at all. The latter I have seriously doubted for some time now. If I bore myself then I am sure I bore everybody else so much more and I am so sorry. Still I can’t give up, can I?
Focus, concentration and depression aren’t exactly best of friends that hang out a lot. Maybe the first two do, but not around here. The question is if I have taken on too much, is it too much to write a thousand words every day. Or is it because I feel I must try to be interesting, make sense and try to figure out how to adapt my version of the writing challenge to my version of a blog? Ot am I just becoming bored of always repeating myself. I’ve heard this now, I need to move on…
Maybe I’m just tired.
If I am tired because I have taken on too much then the added work of planning and thinking is going to be the final straw. One the other hand if I am bored, then I need new ideas. Maybe I am tired because I hardly ever do anything, and I’m bored because I actually repeat the same day over and over. Nothing much changes. Maybe I just need to sleep a couple of nights to recharge myself. But since it’s warm also at night, not much air, it’s difficult to get a good nights sleep.
My halfhearted planning for my writing today was completely ruined by the fact that instead of writing, I began to play Minecraft, became hungry and made me some food. Then I got so tired I just fell asleep. Now it’s almost midnight and I am not even half done with my writing. I think it’s a fair assumption I am not going to be doing much editing on this piece. I’ll try to keep the spelling right though. Still, in my opinion, the writing is the most important part. The rest is still secondary.
I mentioned focus and concentration. For some reason I never quite realized it before, but this is also working as a direct therapy for my brain. That would be the first and most obvious reason, but I never quite understood that until just then. The writing I can do on some form of autopilot so that did just slip by me that I’m actually doing something that will be directly beneficial for my recovery, for my possibilities to go back to the University even. I had to take a break when concentrating became too much of a problem. If it is possible to work my way back by practising the skills of focus and concentration doin this, then I have gained a lot more than I thought to begin with. See, I told you writing helped me solve my problems. Maybe I just never realized to what degree. That’s an explanation to why it sometimes feels so difficult and it’s a reason to keep trying. I want my life back.
Understanding an obstacle, what it really consists of, why it’s there, makes it a lot easier to deal with. When I can see that part of my problems with writing is caused by my real life health issues it’s easier to accept and deal with then when I believe it’s just me being a quitter. It’s not my fault my mind is messing with me, it’s not my fault I’m depressed, it’s not my fault I’m having a hard time focusing on these challenges at times. The reason is inside of me, but it’s not me. I want to do this, but at the moment I am not well enough to do better than this. Kind of how it is with my back problem. No matter how much I would like to take a long walk in the woods, I can’t. No matter how much I want to write, sometimes I just can’t. All I can do is keep trying and it will slowly get better. I hope.
As I have admitted more than once before, I am a Twitter addict. I spend a lot of time on there and sometimes it pays up. Sometimes Twitter has the amazing power to find the right quote to send to my timeline just when I need it. Or a beautiful picture, or a #supercute animal, or maybe something funny. I am mostly fascinated by how the right quotes find me though. Obviously because I follow the right tweeter, but never mind. And how would they know what tweets I need anyway?
Today someone wrote that telling my story was my way of healing and by telling my story I can also help someone else heal. Maybe that is the reason I am telling you all these little things that I don’t talk to my real life family or friends about. Maybe I can, by my narcissistic ways of sharing my unimportant story, help someone else. Not to get carried away here Ishi Boo-Bishi, I should probably be satisfied if it at least helped me heal.
Thanks for staying with me, you are my hero…
Have a wonderful day!!!
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