...or how one thing leads to another…
Have you ever been depressed? Most people have in one way or another, I suppose. Depression comes in many different shapes, all of them in some way leaving the victim devastated for various periods of time. Some forms of depression will leave you practically incapable of doing anything and it might last for years. Science say a lack of serotonin leaves you in a state where you stop caring. There’s medication you can take, but they do all have side effects and what if you don't care enough to take it?
Some time ago my doctor grounded me. He didn’t want me working anymore, said I didn’t realize how seriously bad my health was and that I needed to focus on getting better. But even though my back hurt so much I could barely move and I had such frequent migraines my boss demanded I’d see a doctor I didn’t want to stay home. I’d be so bored, I needed to get out and see people, to work. I loved my work. My doctor told me to find something fun to at home. I did, I found a couple of Minecraft servers, watched a lot of YouTube videos and started exploring social media. Hi, I’m a Twitter addict…
Games, YouTube videos and social media as fun as it might be, it wasn’t enough. Still having a lot of pain making anything I wanted to do terribly difficult and with no work to go to I stayed at home all day, everyday. I got more and more depressed and I couldn't find a way out of it. Eventually I stopped trying. I did have help, though. People at the medic center gave me everything they had, every resource possible, but between the pain and depression I was a lost cause.
The first light, the first turn towards the positive came when one of my oldest and closest online friends did his first livestream and I finally realized how much he actually cared about me. He had been hinting for a long time that maybe he wanted to be more than friends, but I would just brush it off as something he’d say when between girlfriends. But the things he said, about me, on a livestream… even when he thought I had stopped listening, when he thought I was sleeping…
There isn’t much that beats that feeling when your crush becomes your boyfriend. When it’s so obvious other people are shipping you before you’ve even fully understood what was happening yourself. My depression took a huge hit right then. I had been asked by my therapist if I wanted to change my life from that dark existence I was in. I knew it wasn’t living, I was just breathing and barely that. Now, suddenly I knew the answer was without question yes. And though it carried me a long way when it came to deciding to live the depression was still too strong. Most thing were still out of my care zone.
Falling in love made me want to live, it made me chose change instead of keeping to the darkness I had grown accustomed to. My therapist told me to start with something easy. I began to write. Not as a conscious decision to begin with, more like an urge to express myself. I tried to write some stories, they are still on Wattpad. And then I remembered the thousand words a day challenge and how writing had helped me figure things out in the past. I started writing and I have explained in this blog many times before how that has affected my life with the writing, with this blog, with overcoming obstacles and to not give up. I have shared with you how difficult it has been some days to write at all, but I still managed somehow. The result may not have been that good, but then again, I’m never ever sure that it is any good anyway. I am very critical when it comes to me and what I do.
What does writing everyday mean to me? How does writing, how does this every day challenge affect me? First of all it’s a routine, something I do every day, maybe not at the same time every day, but it gets done all the same. Right now it’s the only routine I have. Secondly it challenges my concentration. Maybe not so much the writing as the editing I do after. I have had real problems in concentrating for a while now. I can’t read. I used to go through several books per week, now I can’t finish one. The writing is good training, but often leaves me drained at the end of it all.
When I have finished my writing for the day, when I have published my post, I feel very relieved. I feel like I have done something. Maybe it seems strange to you because this isn’t really that much to feel good about, it’s just words, but to me it might be all I do today that has at least some kind of purpose or meaning. Nothing else does. Most of my days I spend listening to music on YouTube or watching TV series online, retweeting other people's pictures or quotes. I spend all of my days procrastinating. That’s what my depression does to me now that I am awake enough to see it for myself.
The feeling of having accomplished something, that I in a smallest possible way can feel a little bit good about myself has opened my eyes to the rest of my life. I can see how the environment I am existing in isn’t good for me. I can finally use my restless boredom to improve what I can in my environment. I can find a sliver of motivation to spite my pain and rearrange my house the way I want it again. I can find the strength to cook real food, to clean up after me and to feel good while I am doing it. It’s not a terrible burden I must go through, it’s something I enjoy doing if just a little bit, because I am doing it for me, I am reclaiming my space, I am not just existing anymore, I am coming back to the land of the living. The land where people actually live active lives instead of just existing in a numb darkness.
And with that I am done for today. Thank you for reading….
Have a wonderful day!
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