So tired. Do not feel like writing tonight. No inspiration, but then again, to write without inspiration is the goal of this challenge, isn’t it? I am so tired. When I said I give up on sleeping, in yesterday’s post I had no idea how true, and awful, that would be. Having slept only a few hours a day for a while made me really tired. I was too tired to do anything, to focus on anything, but I just couldn’t get my head to stop. I just couldn’t fall asleep. So tired, my eyes hurt. The time when I actually do fall asleep is pushed later every day. Soon I will have gone full circle, which would be a good thing if it happens soon, but the way it’s going now I’ll probably lose my mind before that happens. It has already begun to affect my memory, my ability to thing, which is kind of funny since it’s the thinking that keeps me from sleeping. The thinking won’t stop.
It wasn’t nail art this time, I did manage to stay away from those videos. But there’s hair and makeup, and eventually I found food. After my cooking session yesterday my mind decided that it would be a good idea to plan more things I could do with what I have at home, which basically is nothing. I do have ready made, frozen meals in my freezer though. And it’s so good, but what wouldn’t be when all you’ve been eating for two months is hamburgers without bread, salad, dressing or anything. That’s not food, it’s my version of bread and water. Obviously with meat instead of bread since we now know that we shouldn’t eat too much carbs.
Woke up after six pm today, or rather this evening. Head hurts, neck hurts. The body has in its desperation for rest overdone the sleeping part in an attempt to catch up. It will not work though. Of that I am fairly certain. It’s as if my sleeping problems that I’ve been writing about for months and that I’ve suffered from for a lot longer than that is getting worse every day now. I know the chemicals have probably messed up my system a lot and I really should get back on the sleeping pills, it’s just that I am too tired to go anywhere. I did sleep about five hours which normally would be okay, but right now it feels as if I am really struggling to stay awake, though I am well aware that should I lie down and try I wouldn’t be able to. In a way it seems as if I am closing in on the final battle with insomnia and I am trying, probably on some subconscious, self sabotaging way, make it on my own without the aid of medication. The prognosis doesn’t look too good, but there’s not much I can do. Unless I manage to get myself to the pharmacy. It’s in time like this I could really use someone to go get my medication for me, but with my roommate gone I am, in every way, on my own. It’s win or lose, sleep or lose my mind to be specific.
It’s weird how a brain so interested in thinking that it just can’t shut down to let me sleep and still I am having problems finding the words I need to be able to write anything. It reminds me of a test I once took after too many late nights of studying. I’d read the question, I knew the answer, but every time I bent forward to write the answer, every time my pen would touch the paper the answer was gone. Nowhere to be found. As if I never knew the answer and the previous notion had just been a figment of my imagination. That’s how it feels right now. The thinking I need and want to do is not working. Obviously because the thinking I don’t want to do is working overtime. My brain has decided to take over the show and is clearly demonstrating that it’s now in control of everything. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to have a clue about how it should be done if the entire organism is to survive. Hey, brain! We Need sleep!
Even if overthinking the cooking makes me lose sleep it’s not a bad thing in itself. I do get some really good ideas, it’s just that when things are like they are right now the ideas will stay ideas. There’s no way I can make any of them reality and that makes them just another thing I haven’t done. Another thing I need to do. Another thing I need to do but haven’t done and therefore something I will worry about. Negative stress. That’s how it builds up, that’s how it works, bets worse, takes over, hijacks the brain, mutiny. But no Johnny Depp lookalike Captain Sparrow person in sight.
I went online to see what items are on reduced prize in my store this week. It’s so many items that I could really use to stock up on food of many various kinds. The hamburgers don’t exactly contain all necessary building blocks. Adding vegetables was a great move, but we need variation to get everything we need and I don’t think I’m getting enough of some essential blocks. No dairy is just one of the problems. No milk, cheese, yoghurt or anything of that nature. They have a great prize on cheese this week. But, if I don’t get up while anything is open, before I know it the week will have gone by and I’ve missed the opportunity. And, of course that’s another thing that will keep me overthinking and worrying and awake. It’s like when you count the hours all night. Fall asleep now and I can sleep for so many hours. And you never fall asleep, but it’s as if you can’t stop checking the time and count the hours every five minutes. So stressful.
And. Even though I am so late there’s no time to edit anything I did get a glimpse of all my sentences that begin with “and”. Way too many to be okay, but as I may have mentioned. my brain isn’t working right at the moment. With a bit of luck it may be back in a slightly better working order tomorrow.
Good night. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.
I wish!!!
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