I don’t know what’s happening, but suddenly everything seems impossible. It’s as if I can’t do anything. I know I need to go out and do things, there are errands I need to get done. I know I need to get out in the sunlight to feel better as the times grow darker every day. I need to take my photographs because I know that makes me feel better. Posting them, and I must admit, I love when those likes come flowing in. It’s silly, but it’s fun. Someone likes what I do. As I’ve explained before, I’m not too used to that.
But it just seems impossible to get up, to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get going. I can feel a panic attack coming, I know I’d feel better if I just did go. That’s the strange thing. I know getting up and dressed, leaving the house and go do what I have to do would make me feel better. Still it seems impossible. And the longer I wait the more impossible it feels. The more my headache increases, the more sick I feel, until I just want to go back to bed again. Feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling like a failure. But I’m still not lifting a finger to actually get going. I’m still procrastinating. I don’t have too much time before that sun is going down and the lights will be to low for pictures. Any good pictures that is. Good quality pictures.
I’m tired, but I really shouldn’t be. I have slept. Even though I fell asleep pretty late I still got quite a few hours of sleep before the sun began to heat up my room too much. I am a little bit scared of keeping my window open because of the spiders trying to hide from the cold. In my bed, on my pillow, on me. But I did sleep, so I shouldn’t really be having this much trouble. There’s my cold of course. I can still feel it messing about in my body, but I was out yesterday and it didn’t bother me too much. I’m a little weaker than before, but not too bad. And it’s not really that cold outside either. And the sun is shining. And I’m over using and in the beginning of my sentences, I know. I do that sometimes.
If it was raining or cloudy it would be easier to understand, but the sun is shining. The sky is practically clear and blue. No sign of November rain yet. Hope I didn’t jinx it by pointing that out. A good enough reason to keep the window closed and the spiders out. Killing a spider means there is going to be rain. Where that idea comes from I have no idea. Maybe the Itsy Bitsy Spider song. Maybe it’s just a Swedish thing. Maybe it was just something my mother made up.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my physiotherapist, who’s also the coordinator for all the different groups of people that are trying to rehabilitate me back to health and work ability again. She was pleased that I’ve been walking so much last month, but troubled when I confessed that it hasn’t been happening the way it should lately. That I’ve been staying at home instead of going out. She was very concerned that I might be losing a very healthy and positive routine. Afraid that I would stop doing it at a time where I really need to catch all the daylight I possibly can. It helps make the problems of the dark less disabling. To keep getting the most beneficial light I have to go out earlier though. Two pm is becoming a little bit too late. Daylight is fading fast now and it can be really dark already around four. That doesn’t give me much time to get my photos and to take in nature in a positive way. I get stressed instead.
Getting up earlier to catch the light means going to sleep earlier. And that problem is real. It doesn’t matter what I do, no old tricks or household remedies work. Not even getting up really early helps because if I get too tired I can’t sleep at all. Like the little children when they are too tired I get hyper active. Well, as much as I can with my limited ability to move or doing things. My brain is hyperactive though. Sleeping becomes even more impossible when I’m really tired. Unless I pass out after a few days and nights without sleep at all. Tonight, I did sleep and today I can’t seem to get out at all. Writing this instead of actually going. Procrastinating.
Sitting here, writing instead of going out means that I’ll have the evening free when I get back though. Hmm… WHEN I get back. So I AM going then? Of course I am, I have to. It will make me feel better. When I’ve finished with my errands and I’ve taking in the beauty of the nature surrounding me and my town, maybe after getting some really nice photos… I know I’ll feel a lot better. So I have to go. Must focus on the positive. Must focus on the fact that this is good for me. Not going to do the easy thing, which is going back to bed because that will make me feel worse. Not staying at home because I have no Internet on my phone and maybe he will message me. That’s not even an option. I’m not going to stay at home to wait for something that probably won’t happen anyway.
Time to start running away again. Running away from the silence of the phone. To run away from the fact that at the moment I don’t really have anyone to talk to more than very sporadically. I can’t hear that silence when I don’t have Internet. When I’m away from home all I have is myself and any people I may find nearby. That’s being alone instead of lonely. That’s why I started my walking and photography sessions anyway. To find my way back to being on my own again. Alone with my thoughts and whatever I can do to amuse myself on my own. I’m not complaining, and I don’t mind being alone, I just got too used to not be alone, for a while.
Got to go now. Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day!!!
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