My hopes and wishes for today didn’t exactly come true the way I wanted them to. I have been even less productive than before. I’ve been sleeping all day. And by that I mean the whole, entire day. It’s eight pm and this is when I wake up, get up, leave bed for the first time. The funny thing is that too much sleep makes you just as tired as too little.
It was sunny today. I woke up long enough to notice, to think I should get out and take pictures, but then I fell asleep again. I know I had some really nice dreams though I don’t remember them now. Maybe dreaming is better than being awake. I needed to sleep, but this much, I don’t know. Will I be able to sleep at all tonight? I don’t know. Maybe I’m back to where I was in September, must take another sleeping pill as soon as I wake up. There’s no way I’ll be sleeping tonight without.
No new pictures, no old pictures, have barely touched Instagram today. When not even social media makes me wake up it’s serious sleep time. I can’t keep doing this. I need the daylight. I feel as if I’m giving up on everything now. For real, Too tired to deal with anything, too tired. Instead of running away I am hiding in dreams. I get fresh air through my open window. I know, that’s not the same. Just as daylight through the window isn’t the same either. You need to go outside to get the full benefit from it.
A couple of days ago I wrote about focusing on one routine and to forgive myself I the others didn’t work. Not to feel like a failure. I said I was going to concentrate on my sleeping schedule and even though I have been sleeping this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. It’s just that I can’t sleep at night. Of course I can’t when I sleep all day. I’m still tired though. My head hurts, but then again, I haven’t eaten anything so that might be the reason for my headache though I know my neck doesn’t approve of sleeping or lying down too much. I do have a whiplash and that makes it more sensitive to positions of the head. I have special pillows to give the neck a better chance of resting, but when you sleep and move about that isn’t always enough.
I am really, really trying to focus every thought on my sleeping right now. You don't know about it, obviously, but there’s really something else I need to write about today. I don’t feel like, that’s why I am so into my sleeping. It’s not the reason I’ve been sleeping all day. It’s a question I didn’t even know existed until just now. Or, to be honest, I think I did. I have been trying to deal with it before, but I have never been able to reach an answer. I don’t think I will now either, but right now there’s someone who’s waiting for an answer and I should really try to find one, even though I know I can’t.
I have said this many times before, but here it comes again. When I am really, really tired I can get sad for no reason. It’s as if the tiredness in itself makes me sad, but since being sad because you’re tired seems kind of stupid (why don’t you just sleep? - stupid) I often look for other reasons and I don’t have to look that hard because I have plenty to be sad about. Plenty of reasons to feel sorry for myself. I’ve said it before, being a writer is about being self centered and in pain, so naturally that has to include periods of feeling sorry for myself. Lifelong, probably. Being alone again is one of the easiest reasons to explain even if most people think I should be over it by now and those trying to help me feel very disappointed with my lack of progress.
I can understand how my friends lose their patience with me, thinking I’m just stubborn and dumb, but maybe that’s who I am. Right now I don’t really know who I am. I just know that I don’t know. Many times I’ve asked the question: when do you give up? I still don’t know. I mean it’s not that I haven’t accepted the facts the way they are. I have. I know it’s over and done with, and no going back. Even though staying friends is kind of going back. And it hurts sometimes. I know I could end it at anytime if it gets too difficult, but so far that thought is more painful than anything else. Whatever hurts me now when we’re trying to find our way back to being just friends again is still going to hurt if I gave up on the friendship. That’s not going away.
Maybe I am too fragile and made of glass, but I don’t think so. I’m not broken anymore. I am healing even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. The darkness has a real grip on me at the moment and sleeping through the daylight hours is only making that worse. No one but me knows my full story and I don’t think I am weak or fragile. Maybe I don’t always know what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t always do what’s best for me. Maybe my choices seem stupid in the eyes of other people. But I can’t do what other people want me to do. I did write about that a while ago as well. Maybe I don’t do things the way other people would, but I have to do it my way, as far as I can when it involves the choices other people make. Maybe that’s all we can do. Try as much as we can to be true to our own lives. We’ve only got one. There’s no respawn, no encore today. The moment is now, can’t get it back from the grave.
Thank you! Live in the moment, now is all you’ve really got. And… smile!!!
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