There really isn’t a lot of day left when you wake up at four pm. There really isn’t any kind of daylight. It’s pitch black outside my window. It’s too late for any photography except it I want to try for more night pics, but my camera isn’t really good enough for pitch black. The picture’s are barely good enough when light’s fading, much less when it’s gone.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not until nine this morning. And I was awake for some time around noon. I know that the sun was shining. But I didn’t go up, or out. Only place I went was back to sleep. Even though I need to go out and watch the sun, I also need to sleep. For me to force myself to stay up will only make it worse. The adrenalin keeping me awake is worse than any late night cup of coffee. Not that I drink coffee, but it’s what I heard. It can keep you up. The adrenalin makes my brain hyperactive and it’s not a good part of the brain. It’s the part that is sad, sentimental, feel lonely, abandoned. The part that will find every sad song there is to listen to and to fuel that sadness. The part that will go out and check up on people that should be left alone because what I find will always make me sad and cry. Crying and sad songs and a hyperactive brain can keep me awake forever. And it only gets worse.
A lot of the time, if I’m crying, if I’m upset, if I’m annoyed, if I’m angry, if I’m anything but okay, it’s because I am tired. Even if I have a reason for any of those things, I mean sometimes there’s a valid reason to cry, be upset or angry, but most of the time I keep it to myself. Nothing gets better by expressing the negativity of my mind. At least not in my case. If something really is wrong and needs to be changed then it’s better to wait until the first feelings have settled. Sleeping on it is a good advice. Decisions shouldn’t be made when you’re upset, discussions work best if you’re not angry to begin with. And I know that when I’m sleeping enough, I can still feel tired and all that, but I am much more capable of dealing with things. Not sleeping adds unnecessary stress to any problem.
I was feeling tired last night. I said good night to my friends and I turned off the lights. But then it all begins. It’s not just that I can’t get comfortable. It’s the thoughts. The feelings. The sad songs. The over thinking begins. It takes over, races off in a speed I can’t control and I know I’m going t crash. Watching a movie or a show doesn’t help me right now. I can’t concentrate. Keep checking the social media, where nothing has changed since the last time I’ve checked. The two people who were always there, who I got used to talking to over the summer. They’ve both left, they are too busy to talk to me. Like all the other people I know. Everybody’s too busy. I am beginning to believe that the worst part when a relationship ends is to deal with that silence.
With no one to talk to the over thinking has the field to itself. The thoughts can run around freely. The feelings follow shortly behind. And everything gets worse and worse. If you want to know where I get my followers from, it’s from nights like this one when the only thing I can do to try and control the uncontrollable mind race is to mechanically favorite and retweet, or to search for new pictures to like. Obviously finding all those quotes that makes the brain even more confused. Should I give up or should I not? Forgive or forget? As in forgive him and stay friends or forget him altogether? The quotes and poems… for everyone saying go there’s one saying stay. It’s not wrong that I still care, I should be proud to have a big heart. But I shouldn’t let people take advantage and use that big heart so I must stop caring about the wrong people. Everything sounds wise enough, but I still don’t know.
Then, as if he senses I’m about to leave, that I’m about to stop caring once and for all… That’s when he finds the time to say he misses me, he misses my voice. He’s not feeling well, he’s not doing okay. And I fall back into the trap again. Misses my voice… the lonely heart, so sad and abandoned takes whatever little crumb you throw it’s way. I know it doesn't mean anything. I know that. I shouldn’t even listen. I know that. My heart doesn’t. Or it doesn’t care. And I just don’t know if I want it to or not.
A friend of mine has no problem at all walking away if things doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t seem to affect her at all. Even when it’s someone she’s dated for awhile. She doesn’t fall in love that easily either. And if friends don’t treat her right they’re gone to. No matter what the reason might be. I’m not saying she’s a bad friend, on the contrary, but she doesn’t accept being used. If you don’t keep in touch, she’ll stop. She’s not going to chase you to be friends with you. Not that I chase my friends either, but I’m maybe a little bit more understanding when it comes to people with problems. Sometimes you need to check in on them even if it’s technically their turn to call.
I’m not really sure if I want to be like her. She’d tell me to walk away, leave, stop caring. But I feel that, even though it hurts me, forgiving, staying and caring sounds a lot more like who I want to be. Describing her in words like this makes her seem cold and selfish. I know she isn’t, but still. Maybe she just hides her feelings better than I do, but we were best friends once and shared everything. I think she would have told me.
I still don’t know what to do.
But thanks for reading!!! I hope you’ll sleep well when the night time comes your way!!!
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