I fell asleep early last night, woke up only in time to publish yesterday’s blog post. I meant to just do a quick check on my social media and then go back to sleep. A friend needed to talk so the plans quickly changed. Troubles with boys and if my theory from yesterday that we give others the advice we need to follow ourselves then I should be good. Only problem was the more she described this guy the more my ex seemed like a saint. Not sure that was all that helpful for me to be honest. She needs to get far, far away from her guy though. And I’m still pretty much where I was before or maybe even… I don’t know. Never mind. Went back to sleep again until the morning, talking to another friend who was upset about work for an hour or so, then some more sleep. The only thing I got out of that was that I am very happy I live in Sweden and not America.
After spending the night sleeping a few hours at a time and comforting people in between I missed my meeting with my assistants today so I bet they are upset with me again. I turned off my alarm in my sleep. It happens. Slept until the middle of the day, again. It has been raining like crazy so I chose to stay inside, posting pictures I took yesterday. I haven’t really done anything at all. If you don’t count talking to friends, trying to make them feel better. Not saying that’s nothing, but there are so many other things I should’ve done too. Like a walk even if it’s raining. Instagram takes up a lot of time though, it you’re trying to keep up with liking all photos and such. I need to rethink my activities on there. I also need to rethink how much I am going to let talking to friends interfere with the other things I need to sort out to become whole again.
Most of the time when someone needs me I’ll drop everything and just be there for them. It doesn’t matter what it does to me and often enough it ends up ruining things completely for me. And I hate how selfish this makes me sound, but they do actually say nowadays that you need to take care of yourself too. Not only other people. I can’t help anyone if I am lying on the floor like a wet rug crying over everything that ever went wrong in anyone’s life. When I can’t even get myself to eat or sleep what do I have to give to anyone else? Somewhere the energy runs out. I know that the help others gurus say that you get energy back from helping others, I wonder how much sleep they have sacrificed for other people. How often they haven’t had time to get a proper meal because of other people. How often they literally have done things that are bad for their own health in order to help others. I am not healthy and strong physically. I may not be weak and fragile psychologically, but sometimes I have to fight really hard to stay alive. Even if I am doing better it doesn’t take much before I am back in that black hole again. Emotionally? I don’t know. I’m still here though, that’s always something. For how long I don’t know. There’s trouble on the way and I don’t know how that will work out.
Many of the people that surround me at the medical center and other people say I must take care of me. That I have to focus on getting well myself. That’s what’s important. Helping others is fine, but I must help myself too, which means I must do what I must do to get well. Sometimes the other people are just going to have to wait. All of them are old enough to be able to take care of themselves, no children are suffering from neglect. I must focus on myself. It’s not possible to do everything for other people and forget yourself. It’s not exactly as if I have all that many people in my immediate surroundings that are looking out for me. If I don’t, no one will. Only I can help me, like I’ve said before. No one’s going to respect me need to sleep if I don’t do it myself. No one is going to make sure I do any of these things that are so important for my healing if I don’t do it myself, if I don’t make sure I get the time to do it, myself. It’s all up to me and I’m going to have to learn how to tell people that I’ve got to go, that there are things I have to do. No one has ever said no, don’t. It’s just that I’ve never told them that I have to go, I have to sleep, that I can’t talk right now there’s something I need to do. I am always available. I’ve always got the time. No one has asked me to make these sacrifices, it’s just me. It’s what I do. I’m not important enough to care about, they are.
A therapist who made an evaluation about my psychological health quickly realized that my main problem is that the love affair with myself isn’t working. And that there’s where it all begins. I’m not important enough to care about, in my opinion. I told him that if I had a choice I wouldn’t be with me at all. He told me I do have a choice. I can change. He never said it was an easy choice. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do with this writing challenge as well as the other challenges I’ve written about. Trying to find out who I am and to become a person I can actually be with since I am kind of stuck with me anyway. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense at all, but there you go. I’ll stop now. Try to get more sleep tonight and have a more productive day tomorrow.
Thank you! Take care of yourself and don’t forget to smile!!!
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