It’s raining and I’ve been sleeping most of the day. My panic attacks are back, everything I should do, that I have to do, it seems like such terribly difficult things. I can’t get up, I haven’t really eaten anything because the task of making something feels too much. I have only had something to keep the worst hunger away.
December first we must have winter tires on our cars. We can change to winter tires earlier if the weather conditions makes it necessary. It is beginning to be icy at least where the sun doesn’t shine and obviously early in the mornings before sunrise. Hopefully it’s going to stay above freezing tonight since it’s raining pretty heavily. So I need to get the tires changed on my car. I can’t do it myself my back won’t allow it. My roommate isn’t home so I can’t ask him for help. And it seems like such an enormous job to go get help from his dad. I have the tires in my garage, just need to load them in the car, but they are heavy and I have a bad back and a bad neck as well. Neither will let me load four tires into the car. I can’t call him to ask if he’ll come on over and help me because my phone is still not connected. I don’t know what the telephone company is doing. I can only call emergency numbers and this isn’t exactly an emergency.
Just thinking about it gives me a panic attack and I just want to go back to sleep, to forget all about tires and winter and ice. Snow is better. Snow makes it brighter and it’s not as dangerous to walk on as ice, as long as it’s not packed too hard. The absolute worst winters are those when the temperature keeps around freezing point. Some days above making everything thaw, some days it freezes turning everything into ice. If i don’t fall and break every bone in my body I’ve still got pain because my neck does not approve of such nonsense. Too much variation in temperature makes it hurt more than usual. We were promised (?) a very cold winter this time, but so far it’s been pretty normal. November rain, and some cold nights.
Friday is usually the day when I go out and try to restock on food and such. It’s better to do that only once a week, less temptation to buy unnecessary things that I can’t afford. Today I couldn’t even do that. Normally it’s a good day because I can have coke again. During the weeks I have to do without. But that makes me long for the Friday when I can go to the store, but the same thing happens here. I get a panic attack, don’t want to go out, just want to sleep and forget everything. It has been a long time since going to the store gave me a panic attack. But getting up seemed like a completely impossible thing to do. Not even taking the medication that normally would calm things down worked.
I’m not overthinking. I’m not thinking at all. I’m trying to avoid everything that has anything to do with thinking, that’s why I want to sleep. Sleeping is the best way to hide from things you don’t want to do. Or can’t do. Things that feel impossible. The feeling is there as soon as I wake up. It’s as if the thoughts come after the feeling, after the panic already has begun. Not that I ever have to “work” to get a panic attack, they often come quite unexpected. To wake up with them is not really something I’m used to though. I know I should probably feel a lot better if I only got things done, but when typing that part of the sentence makes the stomach cramp and breathing increasingly difficult, it’s not that easy. Just do it, isn’t really so just right now. Just do it is like climbing Mount Everest right now. Or at least Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain. You don't die climbing that one. Well, I probably would, but that’s a different story. That’s just how difficult everything feels right now.
And, as you can tell, I’m finding it difficult to know what to write about. I could say I’m hiding behind a quote I read today that said: “It’s not what you write, it’s how you write it”. I’m not sure I should apply that to myself though. It is a little bit of truth in it though because I read the entire Twilight series. I wasn’t exactly a big fan of sparkling vampires or the story, but I really enjoyed the way she wrote the story, how she told the story. That was definitely a “how you write it” experience for me. I read one other book of hers too and the style she uses makes the reading very easy and enjoyable. Can’t really compete with Stephenie Meyers, but I don’t feel as if I’m writing for the content either. I don’t know what to write, it feels as if I’ve run out of things to say. I realize it’s probably the darkness messing with my mind, the seasonal depression, SAD. I really don’t like the dark.
Cosy lights and candles? Yes, I know that’s nice when the rain is pouring down outside. It doesn't do much for the way I feel though. I have spent winters more or less glued to the fireplace just watching the fire for hours, it’s nice, warm, soothing light, definitely cosy, but I don’t feel any better. It’s just some variation to sleeping. I don’t have a fireplace right now, so that doesn’t work either. Candles? Yes, I could light some candles, but then I need to find some, and something to light them with… sounds like a difficult job. Get a grip, just do it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop whining. The first two, I would if I could. I’m not just being lazy or lying around feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to fight it. The last two. I am trying to explain how I feel, if that seems like whining it’s probably because you’ve never experienced what I am going through right now. If you had you’d understand. I hope you never will though. It’s anything but fun.
Thank you! Hope you’re all okay out there. Smiles can brighten up the dark. they say.
Keep smiling!!!
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