I’m sure most people get that feeling sometimes, that things are falling apart. That there’s nothing you can do about it. Or that whatever you’re trying to do to fix it doesn’t work. And it seems as if it’s never just one thing that’s failing. More often than not it’s many different things. They say all things come in threes. But it sometimes seems as if they can come in much higher numbers than that.What do you do? Worrying is a common enough phenomenon. So is overthinking, but that doesn’t really help much though. Panic doesn’t help either, but how do you stay calm when everything is going wrong? If there’s no one you can turn to for help, what do you do? What can you do?
I’ve been thinking, not overthinking, just thinking.
Brief interruption while I share my amazement with the spelling program which in one paragraph accepts “overthinking” as a word, and it did it now as well, but in the sentence above it doesn’t. In the sentence directly above this paragraph it wants it to be over thinking. If the spelling program doesn't know, then how am I supposed to know? Maybe the spelling program on my blog platform will be more consistent. Sorry about that, back to what I was saying...
I’ve been thinking about what’s falling apart in my life right now. How I am losing control over the routines I have so clearly stated is important for me. I’m losing control over so many things at once and I do blame the fact that it’s getting dark outside. Maybe that’s the reason, the big problem right now. It’s just that there’s not much I can do about that. It will continue to get darker until right before Christmas. I can’t change that, I have to accept that and try to do the best I can despite that. There’s not much I can do about the rain either or the fact that rainy days makes the darkness even darker. I have to live with that. I have to find a way to live with that. To live with all the things that I cannot change. Somethings I just have to accept and move on.
There’s always that huge white elephant in the room I keep trying to avoid, but it’s a fact I need to accept and learn to live with. My ex left me for another girl. They have been together for a long time now. I found out four weeks later than would have been fair, but that’s how it is. She exists, they are in love and happy. There’s probably a lot I could do about that, but I don’t want to destroy anything. I don’t want anyone else to go through what I am going through. I’m not evil. I still care. But, difficult as it is, I have to accept it and try to figure out where I want to move on to. Staying friends or not? That’s the question. Most people would leave if they felt the pain I’m still dealing with. But I can’t. Leaving or not, I’ll still know they are together and all that, and I would lose the friend I had, the brother I had.
That’s a another big problem, but as with the darkness, I can’t do anything much about it. Instead I have to focus on what I actually can change. Sleeping, taking walks, writing and all that. Maybe just not everything at once. I know I need it all, but it’s too overwhelming trying to sort all of it out right now. Especially since the darkness has me SAD and the other thing makes me sad.
I think taking it one thing at a time is a more likely route to overcoming these issues. This also means that I have to forgive myself if I don’t always manage to keep up with the other tasks on my daily agenda. Obviously I can’t stop writing or blogging now, but maybe I’ll have to accept that the quality isn’t going to be what I want it to be. That will cause me to lose viewers and readers, but then that’s how it’s going to be. Nothing is going to get any better if I keep running around chasing my own tail instead of making a serious effort, right now, to overcome the difficulties following in the footsteps of SAD and being sad at the same time. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices to keep going. Like I said I’m not giving up on writing, but I may not be able to work on my improvement as much as I would have hoped.
I’m not giving up on my photography either even if I am filling Instagram with old photos more and more. When I can’t bring myself to go out walking I can’t take any new pictures either. This is also something I need to forgive myself for. Even though I’ll still try to go out, just as I’ll keep writing, if it doesn’t work the way I want it to, then I’m going to have to accept that. I can’t see it as giving up, but I need to focus on one thing at a time.
I need to have one priority. If I can do any of the other things that’s a bonus, but there can be only one main objective. I need to sleep. Last night I fell asleep early. Early by most people's standards, it was around ten pm. I woke up at two am, but went back to sleep without checking in on my social medias. It was morning when I woke up again and at that time I did check in. Instagram need a lot of attention, takes a while to catch up after sleeping through the night. When that was done I was still tired and fell asleep again. Did sleep most of the day too, so I guess I’ll need a miracle to sleep tonight. But I feel a lot better after sleeping. I don’t feel as sad as I’ve been feeling the past week. I think sleeping at night is probably the most important routine and that deserves all the attention. Hopefully the other things will come easier when I’m sleeping better. Even if I need to take pills to sleep.
Thank you! Don’t forget - one smile at a time!!!
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