A year ago, today, on the fifth of November 2014 I recreated myself. I made a complete new Internet alias with all the things that go with it. New Google plus, YouTube, email, Twitter, Instagram and basically everything else you can think of. I did that because of a project I was planning, and I did work on it for a while, a short while. I needed a new identity, not because anyone would really recognize me from my old world, but because I needed something new. To recreate myself. Or maybe to become me.
When you grow up the people around you will have an impact on how you come to view yourself and who you eventually may end up becoming. If you’re lucky you have good people in your life, people who will help you grow to the best of your potential. If you’re not that lucky it will take some time and you have to do the work yourself, but you can eventually find out who you really are. As long as you can understand that some of the reasons that’s holding you back doesn’t really come from you. It’s what other people have told you is you. One example is my mother always telling everyone we met how shy I was. Of course I became very shy and kept hiding because I kept hearing that and people kept acting weird because of it. After I left home and began my own life away from her I realized I’m not shy. Maybe I don’t always feel like talking, but when I do, I really do, talk, a lot, too much even, sometimes.
I’ve always had a vivid imagination and as a child I’d have my own fantasy world. And to be honest. I still prefer an alternate reality sometimes. It wouldn’t be that different from real life, but I’d be slightly different. Most importantly I wouldn’t be so afraid of everything. I would have a better self confidence, which would make it possible for me to do the things I want to do, but I am too afraid of. Silly little things that are so difficult just because I always have that feeling that nothing I do is ever good enough. I am never good enough. In my fantasy I am so I do all those things and have so much fun. I feel so free, but of course that’s not real. Last year I began to understand that maybe that imaginary me could be the real me. The me I could have, should have been if it hadn’t been for the unsupportive mother always criticizing me. I had left home a long time ago, but I forgot to leave her truths about me when I left. I have kept repeating it to myself, that nothing I do is good enough, I’m not good enough. She didn’t have to remind me anymore. I had learnt that lesson. Last year I finally understood that it was her truth, not mine. I should stop listening to it and try to find my own. So I recreated myself.
November 5 I also created a new Minecraft account in my new name. I have mentioned the Lords of Minecraft server before. It was one year since I first joined the server on September 16. With my first Minecraft account. I was pretty much being me, myself. Scared of everything, afraid of all the people. Would only speak if spoken to. I have told you the story how writing thousand words a day made me finally join in some of the server fun that was going on. How I eventually dared to go where there was other people. And how much fun that was. I began to spend more time on the server, still feeling a bit awkward, but it was enough for me to forget about my writing challenge. That was okay though, because even if it was just online in a fictive Minecraft town, I was still out there where there were other people.
The I recreated myself for a new project. A writing project that completely ended when my new Minecraft character joined the server. I played the game differently. I spent more time where there were a lot of people. Just by being there, not just running through looking busy, but by just standing there a lot more people would start talking to me. Soon I had more friends than I ever had during the previous month and a half I’d been on the server. I joined in groups. A theater looking for actors, sound fun. Never mind being too nervous, I went and had tons of fun because of it. A book club advertises its existence. I go, the club quickly fades away, but I had already made new friends. I was more open towards other people, talking to other people, helping anyone who asked for help. Pretty soon my whole life was more or less on the server. Like I said there were a lot of fun and I’ve met so many new friends. Some have become really close and I still talk to them, maybe not daily, but often.
What’s funny about being this new person on a role-play Minecraft server, where I was practically playing a part, is that I have adopted some of the characteristics into my own life. I created a character and I became her. I created her the way I wanted to be and I began to change. Maybe because the server was such a big part of my life for a long time and because the people on the server would know me as the character I played it was easier to change that it would have been with the people who know me. Not saying I’m shy and scared of people, because I’m not. But there are things I want to do that scare me so I don’t. There still is, but I’ve learned that I am not only that girl my mother always said I was. I do also have the potential to be a lot more if only given the chance. Her truths about me held me back. Now I’m trying to find my own truth. And it feels pretty awesome.
Thanks for reading. Find your own truth and don’t forget to smile!!!
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