Yesterday I mentioned how I don’t like it when people don’t give me enough space and freedom when there’s something I’m supposed to do. You’re just going to have to trust me to do what I am supposed to do and that I will do the best I can. I am a perfectionist, you know. I don’t want to do a bad job of whatever it is I’m supposed to do. Just trust me!
Another thing that can bother me is people who give advise, being very decisive about how excellent their advice are and how they definitely should be followed. Almost with an “or else…” following close behind them. Giving advice is okay, I often do so myself. Have been called “a fountain of advice” once, still not sure if that was a good or a bad thing though. Anyway. When I give advice I don’t really expect people to follow them. If only they stop to think about what I said I’m happy. And I never attach an “or else…” to my advice.
I do have a particular advice and a particular advise in mind. Adviser in a wider definition of the word, definitely not an expert in the area she was giving advice about even though she claimed to be. I don’t remember the exact words but the basic idea was that we should hide our pain, our problems and smile instead, because somewhere there’s someone who’s got it worse than you. I guess it’s okay, in a way, but not on Twitter.
Even though I am one of those people who actually do hide my own problems behind a smile, most of the time, I found that tweet very wrong. First of all she’s trivializing the problems of people she knows nothing about basically telling them to stop feeling so sorry for themselves. The second problem with this is that she somehow thinks I am going to feel better because other people are worse off than me. I can assure you I don’t. I’m not a monster. Why would I feel better about my bad economy when I am “watching my pennies” just because there are beggars outside of the store? Should I feel better because at least I’m not them? Well, I don’t. I feel worse because I can’t help them. And just smiling at them will not make their or my finances any better.
Last night I read a quote on Instagram concerning the same issue. It was a guy who had found the words that, in my opinion, explains how thoughtless that type of comment is. Again I don’t remember the exact words but he said that it was dumb to say someone weren’t entitled to feel bad because things are worse for someone else. It’s like saying you can’t be happy because there’s someone who’s better off than you.
It’s not the smiling part as such that is the problem, I think. Even though I find it weird to advise people to hide their feelings instead of doing something about them, get help if necessary. Maybe not every little detail that bothers you, but some people are hiding really big, painful secrets. They shouldn’t just smile because someone else has a problem that’s bigger than theirs. How do you compare? Is there a set scale?
I said she wasn’t an expert, but she claimed to be. In her bio she introduced herself as a counselor, someone who helps people deal with their problems. Maybe she does and maybe that works when she’s meeting people face to face, but, as I said before, not on Twitter. I think that tweet shows that she’s either not too careful about what she says or she’s just never experienced any real problems of her own. Because I have, I would never say anything like that to someone when I don’t know what they are going through. That’s not helping. That’s just covering up. If you really want to help someone else you first need to understand that you never know exactly what they are dealing with. Listening is the best help of all. That’s what real therapists do. The soul has the answer to what you need. In therapy you talk your way to the answer, guided by your therapist. I write to find my answers. And you don’t have to be a therapist to listen. Or read.
Definitely not saying that smiling is wrong though. Not saying that there aren’t times when you probably are better off just hiding what troubles you. You can’t just talk to anyone, tell anyone your deepest, darkest secrets, your most painful experiences. That takes trust. That takes knowing that the other person will listen, will try to understand and will not trivialize the problem by saying others are worse off than you, or telling you to cheer up, calm down or whatever. Sometimes we need to get upset, sometimes we need to cry, sometimes we need to vent.
Sometimes we need to smile. It does make you feel better. Sometimes we need to laugh even if it’s only at some dumb joke on Twitter, a funny picture on Instagram, a funny Vine, a funny YouYube video and maybe TV… Pretending to be happy can make you feel better, laughing releases hormones that make you feel better. So does a smile that comes from the right place, a smile that comes from the heart. Some people are lucky to find that one person who always knows how to make them smile, no matter what. The rest of us have to find it somewhere else and maybe it’s not quite as good, it’s still better than nothing. Sharing a smile with a random stranger also works.
I realize I have been giving a lot of advice here, there’s been a lot of do that, don’t do that, remember this… Just know that I will not attach an “or else... “ to them. Unless you’re trying to help me and you’re doing it wrong. If you don’t listen to me, respect me or act superior and condescending then there will be a most definite or else happening.
Thanks for reading, listening and don’t forget to smile. On your terms, not because someone else tells you to.
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