I found this picture, this quote on Instagram and I realized that is what happens when I write.
I silence my mind. More or less. At least when I just go with the flow instead of trying to control the content too much. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t really feel as if too much planning is the best option for me.I feel as if I need to catch those random thoughts, write them down and then just let it flow. That’s where I learn about myself. That’s where I can find the reasons for what I do what I do. That’s where I find clues to what I need to do. There and Twitter. And now also, it would seem, Instagram.That doesn’t necessarily mean giving up all hope of finding a plan, a structure that can help for those days when the randomness of my thoughts aren’t useful material for blogging purposes. Even though I am writing to heal myself, blogging to heal myself and that works best, as I said, when I do it under less controlled circumstances it doesn’t mean that I am completely ignoring the fact that there might be someone, someday who is going to read the things I write. On the contrary, I think about you all the time, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to be true to myself and what I am trying to achieve.
I actually don’t think I work well in any environment where I am being too controlled. Not that I can’t obey the rules, do what I’m told or manage to put other people's best before mine. I’m not a rebel. I just think that sometimes I do things slightly different from how other people would have. I feel as if my thought process differ from other people’s. I don’t really think other people always get me. That makes it difficult to have someone hanging over my shoulder, telling me exactly what to do, and when to do it. Especially when I know that doing it my way would work just as well. Some people complicate things, in my opinion. And for some reason those people are the ones who seem to trust me the least. My mother couldn’t even trust me to mother the french fries from the baking plate into a serving dish. As if I never done it before though it was years since I moved away from home. I was doing it my way, the way I always do, which isn’t the way she would. No trust… I prefer when people leave me alone to do things the way I do them and trust that I will deliver. You may question me after I’ve failed, but not before. It’s disturbing my slow.
I need that flow, and yes, I know I’m beginning every paragraph with I. A while ago I was talking about how trying too hard can bring the opposite result from what we want. How while I was trying to map the steady customers, while I was a taxi driver, to get more work and more money because my salary was a percentage of what I brought in. When I gave up the hunting and just let things flow I did a lot better. Of course some days would be terrible, but that’s how it is. Up and down. Some days I was always in the wrong place because for some reason I had missed the flow. Most days I found it.
I find that my writing works the same way. When I find the flow the words write themselves, I don’t need to think I just type. Whatever I want to or need to say just comes out by itself. I only need to find the way in. Find the right moment and dive in. That’s when I solve my problems. That’s where I find the things I need to heal. In a way it’s inspiration I suppose, but at the same time it’s inspiration that comes to me, most of the time, when I need it, when it’s time to write another thousand words for my blog. Inspiration of a more cooperative kind. Kinder to me and my time than the old fashioned one which can leave you starring at a blank page for hours without giving you anything. And the flow takes me where it wants to go, not where I want it to take me. am not in control of it. My mind isn’t in charge. I guess you could say it’s my soul. Or you could say the subconscious is given a channel to tell me what I know deep down but what is blocked by my mind wanting to control things. It’s kind of like letting your heart decide instead of your brain.
I know are other ways of achieving the same result. Meditating is one. I have done that in periods before. Meditating, relaxing, focusing on breathing, whatever you do you don’t let the mind take over and control you. Thoughts will always come and go, but you just don’t pay them any attention, just let them pass. They say it’s impossible to completely shut down your thoughts, but anyone who says that have never been in a spot where you have to answer that very difficult question and you realize that there’s nothing in your head. Not one single thought that makes any kind of sense or nonsense is available. But when you want them gone they are more persistent than ever. And that’s when my writing doesn’t go well. There are too many thoughts and none of them will let go. It’s not exactly like a block where you find nothing to write or no way of starting to write. But there’s definitely something blocking the flow. I know I was planning to write that specific thing, but it’s just not working out.
I think sometimes planning too much may be a bad plan. Sometimes we just need to open the door of the cage and let the bird of random thought fly free. And hope it doesn’t drown in the flow.
Thank you for coming with me, i.e. reading. Don’t forget to smile!!!
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