I had to go to the hospital today to have my eyes checked. I do that once a year because of my diabetes. I have some changes in my right eye that is caused by the diabetes, but it’s nothing dangerous and it could go away by itself. I wonder what they could do if there were more serious changes. Is there really something they could do? Blindness is one of the problems that can come from diabetes. It’s not just about avoiding sugar, there’s so many other things too. It’s a serious health problem and I’ve been dealing with it as if it’s nothing or a joke. Or maybe I should say I haven’t been dealing with it. But still, the tests show I’m doing better. Exercise is the best way to deal with high blood sugar and my walks are doing the trick, apparently. Still, it’s a serious disease and I should take it more seriously.
It was a sunny day today. Cold, but sunny. Icy on the ground, had to be careful where you put your feet. I still don’t know where my mother has put my winter shoes. After I’d been to hospital I stopped for a while at the university, took some pictures of the sky and of the building where I used to spend my time. There’s a pond in front of it, really nice place. It feels as if it was so long ago since I’ve been there. And in a way I guess it is, so much has happened, so much has changed since then. I’m not the same person, not quite the same anymore. Right now, this moment i don’t really know if I’d want to go back. But that could be the me who’s tired and affected by the darkness talking. I know that I did want to go back this September as the cooler weather made it’s way over here. That chilly, crisp morning air that reminds me of those mornings when you had to get up and go to school again after a long nice summer break. Back then I wanted to go back to school again, but I’m just not well enough. Maybe next year. Maybe. Hopefully.
I fell asleep to Wire in the Blood again last night. Not really early, but not really all that late either. Slept most of the morning and got up only in time to make my appointment at the hospital. When I came home again I had something to eat, watched some more Wire in the Blood and fell asleep again. People screaming and shouting doesn’t seem to be a problem. I can hear them but it doesn’t keep me from falling asleep. I am still tired, but I need to write this. Then I’m going back to sleep. It’s late, I should have written this before I went to sleep, but I didn’t. Maybe I thought that a few hours of sleep would help me figure out what to write, but it didn’t.
To be honest all i really want to do is go back to sleep. I don’t want to write anything and I have nothing to write about. Maybe I should just stop. Whatever I’m writing, it’s just repeating what I’ve already written, isn’t it? The same stuff over and over again. It’s boring. Why would anyone care anyway. Maybe I should just give up. Sleep for two months and wake up in 2016. Missing all the holidays and my roommate's birthday. I’m afraid I won’t be allowed to do that though. Things to do, always things to do. There’s the assistants who come twice a week to help me with cleaning and stuff and then it’s been decided that I need to take up my physio therapy again. Starting next Wednesday I’ll be going to the “gym” once a week to begin with, but I know she’s going to want to push it to twice real soon. And I guess I need it. Sleeping all day brings out all sorts of strange aches and pains.
I don’t know what it is but today nothing is okay. Everything is boring. And all I am is tired. All I want to do is sleep. Yesterday all I did was sleep. I didnät take any pictures, I didn’t post any pictures. Today it just felt boring. I took the photos because I knew I should, because I knew I needed something to post, not because I really wanted to. It doesn’t feel as fun as it used to. It felt just like another thing I have to do. Maybe I have taken all the pictures I need to take. Maybe from now on it’s only repetition. Maybe it was just a phase. I don’t know.
Same thing with the writing, if I’m only repeating myself, boring myself and don’t even really want to write anymore, is it time to stop? Should I just give it up? Give up? Or is it just the tired me again. Should I wait? Try to make it through this dark period and see if I feel the same when the light is coming back. I don’t know. This is the only thing I’ve been doing daily for a very long time now. The only real routine I’ve got. Sometimes I’m late, like now, but so far I’ve only missed one day, not counting the month of absence when I had no Internet. I’m not sure what would happen if I allowed myself to give it up. Maybe I should sleep on it. I’m not going to make any decisions tonight anyway. It could just be that I am very tired and I should just go to sleep instead. That could be it.
I’m sorry for being so unfocused and random today. I’m afraid there will be more of these days before the light comes back next year. I’ll try to do better, but I can’t promise.
Thank you! I’m sorry and let’s try to smile together. I’ll try too… =)
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