It’s beginning to feel ridiculous, how tired I am and how I keep falling asleep early in the evening waking up, still very tired, wants nothing but going back to sleep, but I have to write something. I never have any idea what to write about anymore either. I’m just so tired, all I want to do is sleep. Waking up like this after nine pm to write a thousand words, which takes a while even when I know what to write, it’s going to wake me up so much I probably can’t go back to sleep when I’m done. I should have written this earlier today, but I was sleeping most of it. Sleeping or talking to people on Instagram. Not posting any pictures though. I don’t have any to post. I need to go out to get photos. I need to delete pictures to take new ones which means I need to move pictures from my cameras to the computer, something I haven’t done in a while and for some reason does that feel like a very heavy job.
I’m just so tired all the time and I don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and go out even when the sun has been shining. I just turned around and went back to sleep. Did have a vague thought about getting up, but not strong enough to make me. Even though I know it’s what I should do to maybe feel a little bit better, I just can’t. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t know if my sleeping is a way of hiding from something I don’t want to deal with or if I’m just tired. There’s nothing I can think of. How am I going to survive this winter if I’m already this tired?
I believe I’ve mentioned before how it doesn’t even feel fun anymore. Going out taking pictures, going over them when I get back home, posting them, writing, blogging… I used to enjoy doing these things, it used to make me, if not happy, at least glad. It has a name this phenomenon: anhedonia. It’s defined as the inability to feel pleasure from activities you usually enjoy and it’s one of the typical symptoms of clinical depression. This doesn't just mean that you don’t find the things you normally like to do joyless, it’s also a factor in why you stop doing the things you enjoy doing. Not really sure how this applies to me right now, but it’s definitely a similar feeling. And SAD is often called a depression, even though I think that’s simplifying it a bit depression is a part of it. So I guess anhedonia could very well be too.
Everything has a name, apparently. Does that make it easier? Does that make it feel better? It kind of proves that I’m not the only one who experiences these things. If it’s got a name then other people have suffered from this before. I know I was depressed before, but I didn’t care about anything then, I didn’t even know what was fun and was wasn’t and I didn’t care either. Now I’m feeling better from that depression, so now I notice every little change from the season, from the darkness. It’s funny how you need to be well to know if you’re not. When I was really depressed I wouldn’t really notice the effects of the dark because I was already too low, I couldn’t get much lower. Now I can feel it which in itself means I’m better, but also that I do feel the effects of the dark. I wish it wasn’t so dark.
Maybe I should consider moving south, to somewhere where it’s not so dark, but then I guess it’s probably not going to be real winters either. Not that we always get that here anyway. These past two winters Toronto have been having more winter than we have, but I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to be. I like the snow, the sunshine on the snow, it’s beautiful. Snow makes it brighter too so snow is good. People always think I’m crazy when I say I want snow, it makes the winter so long, you have to shovel it, roads, traffic, they have so many reasons why they don’t want snow. Even the people who enjoy skiing are very sceptical to snow.
Snow is beautiful, it brightens up the place and when there’s a lot of snow up in the mountains we get the reindeer. They load them onto trucks and drive them down here, to the coast where they may find food in the forests. The owners feed them too, close to the roads so that’s where you’d find them, the reindeer, on the road. When driving on the smaller roads outside of town you have to be careful because there might be loads of them on the road and they aren’t really scared so they don’t move. For people who have to travel these roads to and from work it’s very annoying. I think it’s kind of fun. If you absolutely need them gone and have no desire to watch them you need a plastic bag to hang outside your window. That scares them. Maybe I can try to get some photos after New Year, that’s when they usually arrive unless they have loads of snow in the mountains.
That was a little bit of random information about the part of the world where I live. And if you didn’t know this, reindeer may live like wild animals, but they have owners. Our indigenous people, the Sami or Lapps, Laplanders are the only people allowed to own reindeer. At least in our part of the world.
Maybe it’s because we’re getting closer to Christmas. Maybe that’s why I made the connection between snow and reindeer and told you that story. Maybe it was just to fill space. Either way I’m going to end this post here. Sorry for being so tired and uninspired.
Thank you!!! Have a wonderful day!!!
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