Yesterday I wrote about plans and how they can change. Sometimes we want them to, sometimes they have to and sometimes it just happens. Sometimes we have no plans at all, like me, with this blog. Random thought comes into my head and that’s what I write about. More or less. Today, however, I did make an effort to try and make a plan. Still work in progress, not sure if it will work and right now, to be honest, not really sure I want it to. Right now I feel that the random thoughts in my head is what i should go with. But I don’t know. Needs more thought.
I did manage to, at least try to plan things. I didn’t manage to out for a walk and pictures though. Again. But I am still feeling that cold and my body hurts all over. It cannot mean that I gave up. It must just mean that I need a little break from pushing myself. I need to let myself heal from my cold first. Or at least get serious with that sleeping thing I thought so highly of a while back. Not doing too well on that front.
A front where I am doing good is Instagram. The numbers are climbing. Gained one hundred new followers in three days, and looking back I notice I gained two hundred in one week. That’s nice. I do work for it though. Not only the exhausting myself to get the perfect pictures, in my opinion at least the best I can do. But I also work the media. Like all social media you need to be active. Like pictures, comment, follow back, find new people to follow, make the connections. Look for the people who do what you do, the people who will like what you do, make sure that they find you and like you. If you do a lot of social media, you know what I mean. If you don’t, just know that I spend a lot of time on them connecting with people.
All followers and likes are really fun. I have met some really nice people I talk to a lot on Instagram. It’s not just about posting pictures, it’s about meeting people who share the same interest as you do. But I have to admit that when someone who is a professional photographer, when you see their pictures and know they belong in a gallery or a photo book and they like your pictures… that’s awesome. Or people who have specialized in macro, for instance, they have so many absolutely stunning macro photos and they like one of your macro photos… it’s special. Or when they follow you… It’s recognition from people who know what they are doing. For me who barely has a clue. Still learning to walk while they run free or even fly. Comments like: “You should be a photographer” or “You really have talent” or “You have a good eye”. That’s a little bit extra great. But I love all comments and likes and followers. It’s helping the insecure little girl feel that maybe some things she does may be good enough.
A funny thing that happened today and which is the random thought that controls today's writing is a comment I got on one of the pictures I posted today: “Great picture, good work” and a smiley face. Great compliment. Be grateful, right? One would think, but I can be weird. I don’t know if it is because she lives close to me, about half way between where I live and town. Just a little bit up the river. Maybe it’s because she followed me, then unfollowed, and the began to follow me again. Maybe I feel she’s a little bit too impatient with what I have posted. Sometimes I experiment with filters and edits, maybe she didn’t like that. I don’t know. But that comment of hers, that compliment… Maybe I am the only person who can take a compliment as an insult, but I my first thought was: “What’s wrong with the rest of them?”. Maybe I took it as her being condescending. Do you really never feel like that? Honestly? Someone gives you a compliment and you just wonder was it so bad before? The hair, the outfit, your style, whatever. Maybe it’s just imagination and insecurity or maybe it’s something in their tone of voice. They’re just a little bit too enthusiastic. I don’t know. I lasted a split second and then it was gone. The thought, the feeling, that part of me that turned a compliment to an insult only had control a brief moment, but enough for me to catch it before it disappeared.
I’m not really good with compliments though. I can give them to other people, but not take them. I just get weird. A therapist I saw once at the hospital said I was rude. I should allow people to have their own opinion about me, what I do and things like that. Just because I can’t see what other people might see and because it in some way involves me doesn’t give me the right to dictate what other people should think. He asked me how I would like it if the roles were reversed and I wouldn’t. I’m trying to improve. To at least not call people liars, but to say thank you instead. Even if it feels really wrong because I know they are wrong…
Maybe it’s because I never got any compliments when I was growing up. I never had a cheerleader in my mother, she was my biggest critic until I could play that part myself. No, wait, she still is if I give her the chance. Not talking to her for over a year has made me the biggest though. No compliments, no praising of the things I did. Only telling me what I should have done to make it better. In a way I have been schooled, trained, taught to expect nothing but criticism. When people are nice, say nice things, give me compliments. I have no training for that and it’s easy not to believe them because I am so used to not being good enough. How could I believe it? I don’t want to be rude though, so I fake it. Maybe one day I’ll actually make it.
Thank you! Fake it till you make it. One “Thank you!” at a time!!!
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