It’s amazing how quickly one can reverse into old habits. Even after several weeks of no social media, after sleeping at night, waking up in the morning, it only took one day of writing, one day of posting pictures and I am back where I was. I’ve already complained about my sleep issues return since last post was written after almost thirty hours of no sleep. I said I’d go to sleep after writing it, but that didn’t happen. I was up for another couple of hours. It was still kind of okay since it’s the weekend and not a big deal if I was tired. It’s not as if I needed to get up for work or anything. Wish I was, I really miss my job. When I finally fell asleep I kept on sleeping. Today I have slept all day. Truthfully, literally, all day. It was seven in the evening when I woke up. And I did actually have plans for today. Not that I had to get up early or anything, but sleeping until evening was not exactly the best thing I could do. Granted I did need to sleep, but there’s a limit to how much sleep is good for you. This wasn’t good and then there was that tiny detail of having something to do. Something necessary, something I don’t like doing, something that still kind of gives me panic attacks just to think about doing. I haven’t payed my bills yet.
Another thing I notice about myself that I had all but stopped doing is that constant check on the social media. Did anyone message me? Did something happen that I need to know? Before I left in the middle of November I was constantly online, constantly checking, waiting, getting disappointed because nothing happened and there were no new messages. To be honest, that is the kind of behaviour that really can make someone feel lonely, alone and abandoned. It was better when I didn’t. I didn’t even charge my tablet when it ran out of power, which happens very quickly. It really uses a lot of energy even with the energy save settings. For a long time I never needed it. After I moved on from watching nail art videos to watching old episodes of NCIS I had no more use for it. Photo memory is filled and it wasn’t as if I was taking much pictures anyway. Not going out for drives or walks, no more chasing the perfect shot, though it did happen now and then the few times I did go out to refill my cat food supply. I still had my phone, but as I’ve said before, I have one minigame on it and I played it on repeat trying to break my own record times or sometimes just to make pretty patterns. It’s a puzzle game like a two dimensional Rubik’s cube thing. Not that demanding in the thought department, but there are some pretty colors and it gave me something to do as the old episodes of NCIS filled the computer screen. Avoiding all other areas of the Internet reduced the feeling of loneliness. Social media is not the best remedy especially not during the season when everybody is busy with family stuff and spend less time online than usual. Or maybe it still was just me, turning my back on everybody else. I definitely did when I left without a word of warning or explanation.
I needed that break and maybe I did come back too soon, maybe I wasn’t ready yet. It certainly doesn’t feel like it considering the facts that my old habits come back just as I take up my old routines again. Routines that really are supposed to be good for me. Some say that the secret to happiness lies in doing what you love to do and I love to write, I love photography, sharing beautiful pictures. Not only my own (are my pictures beautiful? Careful! Am I saying I did something that was good enough even in my own opinion?), but also all the pictures I retweet though for some reason I seem to get less and less beautiful views in my timeline. Or maybe I just don’t see them anymore when I don’t spend all my time on Twitter anymore. I used to scan through my timeline constantly, retweeting constantly, especially at night when the people from across the pond are more active. It’s a timezone dependent activity and as my tweeps maps show, most of my followers are American. My followers that also are the people I follow since I have the policy of always and only follow back. A weird idea, but it’s a little bit satisfying knowing that the 5 000 + followers actually found me and followed me first. It was an experiment, a game, if you like and then it became a thing.
Now that I am trying to take back the parts of Internet and social media it’s obviously easy to fall back to the old behaviour, the old habits. It’s, however, very important that I only return to the parts that I know have been good for me, not the addicted behaviour of the past. While being away, using Internet as an alternative to television, I was moving along the path back to “normal” offline life, real life. I started doing things that has nothing to do with computers, phones, tablets or Internet. I started to care more about my house, my home. For a long time I haven’t done anything more than keeping it functioning on an extremely basic level. I haven’t cared about the aesthetic side at all. Or, cared might be wrong, actively cared maybe. I have hated the way it’s been, but I haven’t done anything to make it look better. Finally I have begun trying to restore it to the way I want it, having some kind of feeling about my home. It’s not just a place where I pass time until I die. It’s a place where I live and it should be a place where I feel good, where I feel at home. It hasn’t been ever since my mother moved in, not even after she’s moved out.
Even though I did miss parts of Internet it’s still important that I live outside it as well, that I keep caring about my house, that I keep only the parts that are good for me. My blog, Instagram, the friends I’ve made online. But I still have to sleep at night, wake up in the morning and do things during the day, taking my walks with my camera taking pictures of the beautiful nature where I live. If I keep doing the things I love I can, if not feel happy, maybe at least feel good about my life.
To everyone who made it this far: Thank you! Wish you all the happiness in the world!!!
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