I gave up

2015 was not a good year for me as you might know if you have read any of my previous blog posts. I’ve been struggling with problems in practically every possible area of life having health issues preventing me from working and coping with things in daily life. Even if I had my health I couldn’t work since the company I worked for went bankrupt in September 2014. I’m ill and unemployed. Not the best position for the financial situation, several months past summer I got practically no money at all which obviously meant I couldn’t pay my bills. I lost my phone and eventually Internet. During that time someone I thought was very close to me moved away in a different direction. Friends showed up, everyone being very supportive, proving to me that I wasn’t worthless or alone. I realized that a lot of people check in on me now and then even though they don’t always leave a trace behind. People I thought had long forgotten everything about me showed their sympathy. Since I exist on many different social media it’s not too difficult to keep tabs of me, but I wasn’t aware that so many actually did. That said, I still feel pretty worthless and alone, lonely and what I am trying to write about right now is going to take a path that moves in that direction.

I have been trying to deal with various issues by writing about them. That is the whole purpose of this blog and why I initially took on the challenge of writing a thousand words every day. Writing about the thing that trouble me helps me find explanations and sometimes solutions to the things that bother me. One thing that is constant in everything is a feeling of not being good enough. That nothing I do is ever good enough, that I am not good enough, as a person. I have figured out that my mother’s criticism of everything I did while I was growing up has made me very critical of all thing I do. It has made it very difficult for me to take compliments or people saying I’m doing something good. I just don’t believe it. I’ve been told it’s rude not to let other people have their opinions and a close friend was very upset when I accused him of lying when he complimented me. I just don’t trust people. I have been lied to too many times and the thing is I always find out when people have been lying. Besides the obvious lies there has been too many broken promises, too many times that I’ve been let down. And in the end, everybody leaves me, everybody gives up on me. I am terrified of letting people come too close, terrified of trusting the wrong people, terrified that I will be hurt all over again.

One thing that has made me feel less alone during this past year is the social media. I had almost 6 000 followers on twitter, over 1 000 on Instagram, gaining 100 new ones every other day. People were reading my blog, numbers growing. Same with Vine. Strangers follow for a follow. That doesn’t really mean anything when the truth is that if I turn all of that off I am all alone. I have no contact with my family, my mother is not a good person and my father is gone. I have half siblings, but we have no contact at all. Most of my friends have been either party friends from school or friends at work. No one is really too close. I hardly even speak with my roommate. Ex roommate at the moment since he’s been living at his father’s since the hospital visit a few months back. With no telephone it’s not that easy to keep in touch with me anyway. And to be honest, maybe it is me who have turned my back on them and not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong I am not accusing anyone else for my situation, I take full responsibility for where I’m at. Maybe I seem whining and complaining, but that is just a part of the process. I’m not really that needy, I can cope being on my own, sometimes I need to be on my own. Too much people all of the time is just too exhausting and after I got my whiplash injury it sometimes gives me a headache.

A while back the troubles of 2015 came to it’s peak and I just had to leave everything. Before when I have left my blog I have given a warning, but things got too much and I just left it all. I didn’t want to go on anymore and I gave up. On everything. I stopped writing, stopped tweeting, stopped taking pictures, left Instagram and all other places where I had been active. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I realized that despite my trust issues I had been too trusting. I had trusted the wrong people, I shouldn’t have trusted them and I was paying the prize for my mistake. I thought I had learnt my lesson before, not to trust, to expect Nothing. There’s a song by Depeche Mode called Nothing that tells the story of my life and how I’ve had to learn to expect Nothing. Still I was taken in and believed, let someone come too close and it all but killed me. I really wanted it to end, but I chose to sleep. Watched nail art videos on Instagram and YouTube. I stopped talking to people, I cancelled all my appointments at the medic center, cancelled my assistants, stopped going out. I quit everything. Took sleeping pills and watched NCIS from the start to fall asleep to, playing a mini game on my phone, the same puzzles over and over again. After I almost fainted in my local store I started eating a little bit more regularly otherwise I only would get food to feed the cat. I wasn’t hungry anymore. Quitting everything has left me with a huge mess to sort out now, but I really needed that time off to think things through, to figure things out, to find if there was a reason for me to go on or not.

Today it’s January 1 2016, it’s a new year, a new beginning. The darkness has had it’s peak and we’re moving towards brighter days. I hope they will be brighter in all sense of the word.

Anyone who is still with me after my long, sudden break, I wish you a Happy New Year!!!