I don't deserve better

This is not a good day. I am sad, feel like crying. I don’t really know why, I woke up this way and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I still feel like crying. I did sleep a good number of hours partly in the night and all morning. I found some Ramen Noodles, nice and warm in this never ending cold. Trying to type is not a good idea, my hands are ice cold as soon as I put them out from under the semi warm blankets. Should try to focus on something else. I am watching NCIS Los Angeles now. That’s very different from the original, but it’s good. A little bit more like a regular police show than the other two. I bet it’s warm in Los Angeles still. Nice and warm…

Was talking to a friend on Instagram about the cold and he suggested I’d take my roommate’s electric heater and hide in the smallest room. That’s when I realized that my complaining is a little bit exaggerated. Or maybe not exaggerated as much as not entirely truthful. It’ is true it’s terribly cold outside still and they say it’s supposed to last for awhile, it’s also true my window isn’t completely closed and I don’t have any heating in my room except the computer. In the rest of my house, though, I do have electric radiators, maybe not all of them are on at the moment, but they do exist and they do work. It’s not like I’m going to freeze to death even if it maybe sounds like it. I live in a cold climate, my house is isolated, I have two glass windows and there’s naturally also radiators in every room. Not in mine because I broke it when I repainted the walls some years ago, and I never bothered to replace it. I have survived the cold before, I will again.

The thing I may not survive though is myself. There’s a reason why I’m in this cold room instead of anywhere warmer, a reason I maybe have the radiators turned off or down low, a reason i don’t bother to get food or why I still haven’t gotten more sleeping pills. On some subconscious level I am punishing myself. I’ve almost been, at least secretly, proud of myself for my poor living conditions, my lack of resources to get food to eat, not getting the tires changed sooner, not having a working phone. I could fix all of these things, I have told my rehabilitation coordinator I would do it many times, but I never did. Being hard to reach makes it easier to escape from the people who try to help me make things better. And when I feel like I want that myself I find a way to sabotage it. Why do I do that? Easy. I don’t deserve better.

I deserve to be starving, to be freezing cold, to live in a mess that’s not my home. To be alone. Feeling sad today I was thinking about back then, before I lost it all, when I wasn’t alone. Well, technically I was, but if I’d send a message I’d get an instant reply making me feel better. I can still get that message, someone would probably answer sooner or later, but… I felt as if I can’t do this on my own and then I realized that this is why. I don’t deserve it. It’s not just now that I’m sad and crying that I feel like that, on some level I always do. It’s like this guy I knew, he had a great apartment, a good job and he was studying in the evenings when suddenly he sold the apartment and all of his stuff, moved into a basement place that was horrible, stopped studying, quit his job. Next thing we know he’s in the hospital after trying to kill himself. He didn’t feel he deserved that nice home he had, or to live. He’s better now, got a new job, a new place. But I know how he must have felt. Not that I feel like dying right now, but in the long run… not eating, not sleeping, not taking care of my health or anything. It’s like slowly dying by doing nothing, least of all caring.

I’ve been blaming the dark for feeling low, blaming everything that happened last year, but I think the real problem is that I’m just not good enough, even for myself and I am tired of trying to change. Maybe I can’t do this on my own, but I can’t put my trust in anyone else either. If I don’t care, why would anyone else. The last resort for anyone is always that at least your mother loves you. In my case though, she doesn’t. Not in any kind of healthy helping way anyway, maybe in some sick twisted way that mostly revolves around her. Never ask what my mother can do for me, it’s all about her. So, if not even my mother, or me, cares, then why should I bother anyone else? Did I say this was a bad day? That I’m not in a good place? I’m really feeling sorry for myself in the most pathetic way and that’s for being in a situation that’s my own fault and that I could fix if I only wanted to. If I didn’t feel this stupid pride in the suffering. But how do you even begin to care when you probably never really did? I don’t even know how. I care about other people, have a lot of empathy, but never for myself. I’m either fighting the demons that try to hurt me or I’m my own demon. The demon that always wins the battle. How do you escape from yourself?

All these things I’m doing, writing, photography, all the other things I do, they distract me for a while, but they don’t really make any difference deep down. I don’t deserve better than this.

Sorry to leave on that negative note, but it’s really getting to cold… Crawling back under the blankets until tomorrow.

Stay warm!!!