One more night when I couldn’t sleep at all again last night. I think I fell asleep around nine am. Slept until two pm and then I was still really tired. I just couldn’t find the energy or motivation to get up and do the things I should have done. I should have gotten more sleeping pills and more food. The only, one pizza I got yesterday is long gone by now. It’s past eight pm, by the way. I have lost my motivation again. Maybe it’s all in my sleep. Eating doesn’t seem to make much difference, only that it makes me faint when I do go out. Sleeping, not always feeling so tired, maybe that’s the solution. I only know that I was feeling better, more motivated before I came back online again. It isn’t online stuff that keeps me up. At least I don’t think so. Anyway, sleeping pills. I need to get some.
It doesn’t help beating myself up over all my failures either. I don’t get any better from that. Someone told me that in order to like myself I have to forgive myself. I think that’s one of the most difficult things to do and right now I am really struggling with myself and what I have done. This past year has been one disaster after another, all because I have trusted the wrong people. Okay, it hasn’t all been bad. Nothing ever is all bad, but I have been through a lot more than I ever expected. To be honest, though some people believe me to be as fragile as glass, and maybe I am, but often did I think I couldn’t take any more. I thought that this is it, I give up. There's no point even trying, but I didn’t. At least I didn’t take the final way out. I had to give in to whatever was happening around me and to me though. There was, too often, nothing I could do to change anything. All I could do was wait until the tide would turn, until things would get better. As they say: Nothing lasts forever, not even the bad times. And eventually things would start to improve little by little. I am still not on solid ground, but it’s not as shaky as it was during the summer and fall of last year.
I guess I have to do the same again. Wait until it turns. Stop fighting. It’s still too dark out. Day ends around 2 pm. It’s a little bit better with the snow, but still too dark. I should really be up and outside during the few hours of daylight, but when I don’t sleep I don’t function. I was thinking early this morning that maybe I should just stay up so I could go to the pharmacy, but that doesn’t open until ten and I was way too tired to go driving on the winter roads even before that. And as I said before, I just can’t make myself get up and go. I have a picture of a cat with the words My get up and go got up and went without me. That’s how I feel. One of the symptoms of depression, but also a very significant part of my SAD. Procrastination beyond expert level without even making an effort. Involuntary meditation that takes over and shuts me down. I can actually just stare into nothing, not really thinking or doing anything. Not looking at anything. A slightly lower level of this phenomenon is watching nail art videos on Instagram as a distraction, but not really caring much. Just watching the moving images of someone painting on a nail. At least some of it is beautiful, but it’s still of no use whatsoever. I do paint my nails now and then, but anything more fancy isn’t possible since my mom has put all my stuff away somewhere and I have no idea where, in storage somewhere I guess. Probably all messed up by now. She never did care about how things are supposed to be stored to still be functional. Or what counts as empty or still useful either for that matter. She has thrown away many things that were definitely not empty. Very expensive stuff I can’t afford to buy back now. Not that I need it to just stay at home anyway. Should forgive her too, with that i mean I should stop letting everything she’s already done annoy me so much. It’s not as if anything can be undone anyway. I just get in a bad mood and I definitely don’t need more of that.
I am not constantly in a bad mood though. I can laugh, I can smile, I have moments when I feel really good about things. I don’t cry as much as I did just a week ago. Getting back on Instagram has been good for me even if I still haven’t gone out to chase photos. The cold is a little bit of a deterrent actually. I know, you can dress against the cold, but the motivation gets lessened relative to the number of degrees below freezing point we’re at. I just don’t want to get out when it’s past -7 degrees Fahrenheit. It’s too cold. -21 C. The only good about it is that there’s definitely no mosquitoes about, or spiders wanting to move in either for that matter. They have all hidden or died by now. It’s actually a very common response to people when they complain about the cold, that there’s no mosquitoes. We have a lot of them in summer and no one likes them. Mosquitoes can really ruin the nice, warm summer nights. Or try go for a run in the woods. You have to run fast to get away from them. And they somehow seem to get stuck in the hair just by the ear all the time with their annoying buzzing. Bites don’t bother me so much, but knowing that they are there does.
One more day of avoiding the burning topic. I am a professional at postponing the inevitable.
Take care wherever you are, whether you have cold or mosquitoes. Stay safe!!!
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