Still got no grip

It doesn’t come as a complete surprise that it’s difficult to get any sleep in the night following the day I slept until seven in the evening. I think I did get about a quarter or a half hour of sleep. And it’s not exactly surprising that I eventually did fall asleep around noon today. So, I guess this will continue until I finally manage to stay awake long enough to find the pharmacy open so I can get more sleeping pills. Maybe I shouldn’t blame my thirty hour with no sleep only on my comeback, maybe some of the blame falls on the fact that I ran out of sleeping pills and that quitting just like that probably would result in sleep problems. My pills needs to be phased out, especially after I’ve been taking them regularly for more than a month. It’s just that with all the holidays the pharmacy hasn’t been open that much, it’s always closed on weekends anyway. Another reason I hesitate to go out is the season. We have had snow and ice and even if the conditions on the roads has not been that bad it’s illegal to have summer tires past December 1 and despite my asking for help to change they still haven’t done it. Last time I asked I was promised that it would be done before new year, but nope. Today it’s been snowing all day so it’s real winter here right now. It’s rather cold too which is kind of good since it’s usually not as slippery when it’s cold. Still, I would really want the winter tires that are studded to work better on snow and ice. And, yes, I still use studded tires even though they are not the best thing possible for the environment, but the other kind is not as safe in this climate. Maybe in the south where they don’t have the same kind of winters as we do. I have tried the more environment friendly alternative before when the taxi company I worked for used them, but that was brand new tires on a car with front wheel drive that behaves completely different from my car in slippery situations. I have an old fashioned Volvo that has rear wheel drive and it’s more interested in waving it’s tail than the newer Volvo taxis. Did I ever mention that I miss my job? Driving cars all day and every other week all night. I love driving. If I have the proper gear on.

The problem with sleeping all day and not really wanting to drive right now is that I am running out of food. Sometimes I prefer to go later in the evening when there are less customers and also less traffic, but now I have to write this post and I am already late doing that. I am afraid that the stores will be closed by the time I am finished. The closest store is closing right now, the other one, across the bridge from where I live is open another hour, but I’ve only just started writing and I just don’t think I’ll make it. The gas station, also on the other side of the river, is open two more hours, but everything is so much more expensive there. I guess I could at least go out and check if maybe they have changed my tires by now. It was a few days since last I was out so maybe they have. I wouldn’t know because I left the spare key, I’m not at all in any kind of condition to have anything to do with the changing of tires. I just wish people wouldn’t promise to help when they obviously aren’t going to do it. It would be better to say no, then I’d know.

I need my car. Without it I can’t go to the store even though it technically is walking distance, it’s still way too far for me. I can’t get out and take any nice pictures either, there’s only so many times I can photograph my backyard or the view from my balcony or kitchen window. All my favourite spots are too far and there’s not enough interesting views within my walking distance, which is roughly about a stone throw. Not very far at all. I still haven’t found my winter shoes so I am using my hiking shoes which look like winter shoes, but they aren’t. I bought them in Australia and they have no winter down there. They are amazing to walk in when the ground is bare, but they are very slippery right now. My back problem does also have a very negative impact on my balance, probably made worse by the fact that I’m terrified I’ll fall since I’m not exactly sure I’d be able to get up again if I did. I don’t like to describe myself as handicapped, but to be honest, I am. It’s nothing that shown which sometimes is very unfortunate because people just don’t understand how bad it is. Pain is something you only notice yourself, most people haven’t even experienced the kind of pain I suffer from. A lot of people have had back pain, but there are degrees of pain even in the back. The most common type is muscle pain and I have that too now and then, but the pain that leaves me handicapped is nerve pain and that’s a pain on a completely different level. It’s difficult to explain to people, just as it’s difficult to explain why I haven’t been able to just “snap out of” my depression. There are degrees of depression as well, from being depressed because you failed a test, something that will pass fairly easily, to losing all interest in life completely. It’s much more difficult to get over the second one. Sleep problems also belong in this category. It’s one thing to have a random sleepless night and not being able to sleep at all for weeks, months or even years. It seems as if all my health issues are that type of problems, very debilitating yet completely invisible. Noticeable only to me. At least I’m lucky enough to have a doctor that believes in me even when there’s no way of making the diagnosis except for listening to me. Not all doctors do.

Either way, I think I shall try my luck on the outdoors now. Maybe I’ll find food, maybe it’s just a short walk to my garage and back.

Until next time - be careful if you’re living under real winter conditions like me. If you don’t, you should still take care!