So he thinks I have changed. Yes, I have. That’s what happens when you get your heart broken, or your trust gets broken. You change. I don’t feel the same way now ass I did a month ago. How can I? I stopped caring about anything when he stopped… whatever it was he stopped. How can he still say that he cares? That he loves me? I don’t believe it. You don’t do this if you still care. You just don’t. I can, in a way, understand that you can find someone new and all that, but there are ways to move on that are more fair to the one you leave behind. Okay, so he found it difficult to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but did he really think me having to find out by accident was going to hurt less? Of course I have changed. I don’t trust him anymore and without that trust he’s stuck outside my walls. We’re not close anymore. I don’t know if we can be ever again. That’s going to take some work on his part, I’m afraid. He has got to earn that trust back. And I am not sure that he even wants to. I’m sorry if I have changed, but it’s kinda your fault.
In a way the change has been good for me. I am changing towards a better and stronger me. Maybe it is true after all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The things that terrifies me, the things I needed his support for, I’ve had to do alone and I did it. My phobia for bills that is so extreme I get panic attacks just thinking about bills… After this summer when money has been a real problem the bills had become a real problem, phobia aside… I sorted it out though. Alone. On my own. With no support from anyone. I did it. It may sound like a trivial thing, or you’re thinking well, bills just have to be payed, just do it. Nothing special about that. Except for me it has been a real nightmare and it has been classified, in my case anyway, as a real phobia just as real as fear of heights or snakes or spider or dogs… Irrational, yes, but that’s what phobias are. A fear that makes you paralyzed about something that isn’t a real threat although spiders and snakes and dogs can be dangerous and so can heights I suppose, but you know what a phobia is. No immediate danger. But I did it and that feels so great. Maybe I can be a little bit less scared when that time comes around next time. Considering it will only be this month’s bills paid on their due date. So he doesn’t feel needed anymore. I guess if he wants to be needed he should stick around. Every Time I have to manage on my own is a time when I learn to need him less. He’s been teaching me not to need him by not being there for me, so why is he complaining? I have changed because I had to.
I go out every day. My physio therapist was very happy about that. That I go out, when it’s daylight, that I walk a lot more than before and that I do it every day. We have had a wonderful season so far. Sunshine every day. Today I walked along the river and I found a place where you can sit by the water and light a fire if you want to. There’s a special fire place so you don’t have to worry about the fire spreading. There’s a little shelter with a bench where you can sit and underneath the bench there were plenty of wood to make a fire from, all provided by the county. It was a really beautiful place. The shelter opening was facing the sun. I don’t know how long i was just sitting there enjoying the sun and the warmth. It was 30 degrees Celsius or 86 degrees Fahrenheit in there. So much nicer than the 7 degrees Celsius or 44.6 degrees Fahrenheit my thermometer at home had shown before I left. I’m sorry for all of you who are suffering in the rain. I wish you could be here and share this with me. In a way you can. You can view my pictures on Instagram.
That is one of the things that also have changed with me. The Twitter addict has moved on to Instagram. The place that ruined my life a few weeks ago is now the place that gives me a new life. I still have my Twitter accounts, but my love is given to Instagram right now. When I bought my phone a little more than a year ago one of the most important things was to get a good camera. I was hoping, at that point, that I would be able to buy a real camera if I kept enjoying taking pictures, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. It’s a good camera though. Some time after I got convinced by the phone company to get a tablet as well, they were offering a really good deal. In the beginning I wasn’t really using it too much, but now I can’t live without it. I have all my social media apps on it as well as some writing and reading apps, and let’s not forget my photo editing apps. It does also give me the possibility to photograph in macro, which gives me more options to play with.
On Twitter I did mostly retwet, on Instagram I post my own pictures. Be a voice, not an echo. Retweets are an echo, my photographs are my voice. And I feel a need to be heard, right now. That’s why I have my Instagram in my own name instead of an alias, like Ishi. So yes, I have changed. I am changing. I am finally becoming me.
Thank you for staying with me, for reading, for being awesome. Take care and I hope the sun will shine on you soon...
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