Today I had to go through my bills. No one likes this part of life very much, but I have managed to bring the normal dislike to a new level. I have a phobia against bills. I get panic attacks. I feel sick, I feel dizzy, I can’t breathe, my heart starts to beat very hard and very fast. I get very weak, it feels as if I am completely incapable of moving. I cry because I find everything really horrifying and difficult. These are the moments when I miss my ex the most because he knew, he understood and he could always help me. It’s just that, even if we still talk now and then, when I really could use some help he’s nowhere around. I know. I have to learn how to do this on my own and I am trying. I am beginning to cry as i write this, which is stupid because I have already sorted the bills. All I have to do is go to the bank tomorrow and pay them.
Last month I tried to talk to a friend to get some help through this, but he didn’t understand me at all and was almost rude. Then I talked to a stranger on Twitter and he was remarkably understanding. Unfortunately we stopped talking a few weeks back for some reason. Tonight I tried talking to another friend, but that became really weird and awkward. So that didn’t work. I just don’t know where to turn now. I guess there is no one who can save me besides me, myself, alone.
I used to get a lot more panic attacks than I do now, which in a way is a little bit strange. Going to the store was really difficult and I got an assistant to help me with these things. We would meet at the store and she would help me shop for whatever I needed. In the beginning I also had a lot more problems with my back so it helped to have someone with me so I could go outside and sit down if I needed to and she’d stay with the stuff. Then I started trying to do shop on my own. But as with the bills, a panic attack being a panic attack no matter the reason, my ex would be there and help me. Eventually I could do it myself. Even when I’ve had to recycle cans and bottles to get money to buy anything I could do it. That was difficult, but with no Internet I had only myself to rely on and I did it. Now, especially when I do have money it’s not really such a problem anymore.
For a long time I would get a panic attack just thinking about leaving the house. If I had to go somewhere, if there were some authorities I had to meet, she’d be there and that made a huge difference. I’d often get so worked up about everything that I couldn’t answer their questions. My assistant would have to help fill in for me. She’d also meet me when I had to go to the bank. Now I can do that by myself, maybe because I only use their computers, but I couldn’t even do that alone to begin with. There have been times when I hardly left my house at all. This summer I did all my shopping once a week and for the rest of the days I never went out. It wasn’t just the rain.
People have also scared me. I mentioned how I was even scared of joining a server to play Minecraft. I still did, but I avoided people until that Oktoberfest that changed my life. I wrote about it in a previous post. I can still feel troubled if there’s too much people. The waiting room at the medical center is okay because I am so used to be there, but at the hospital it can feel a little bit too much. And if there are too many cars parked outside the store I will leave and come back later, or go somewhere else. The bank is another issue, but I just sneak in to the computers and try to focus on my thing. People too close or behind me worries me though. I try to tell myself it’s a security thing, they can see the screen, but I don’t know if that’s the whole truth. I still go though. And I do leave my house every day. And I do talk to people.
All of this has started after my last accident. Or after the doctor told me to stay at home and work on my health to be absolutely accurate. I was working as a taxi driver when that happened. Meeting people was my job. I loved it. I was at University, working on a project, going to conferences, presenting papers, being on panels, even did some teaching. Being afraid of people was not a thing. Being afraid to go out? I was always out, working or doing something with friends or alone. I went outside, nature, running the forest tracks, going out to clubs or parties, movies, restaurants. Or I was working. Even nights. Weekends, club nights. I was never afraid. Paying bills was a problem, but nothing like this. I had never experienced a panic attack before this happened. In just a short while my whole world changed and I was controlled by them.
I think it’s something that can happen when an active person suddenly gets stuck at home. And why didn’t I keep going out and such? Because I have really bad back problems. In the end all I did was drive my taxi. Walking was difficult, standing up even worse. There was a reason why the doctor wanted me at home, working on my health, but it did ruin other parts of my health. I got depressed and then the panic attacks began. I realize now that staying active can very well be a way of running from your problems. As long as you keep going you don’t have to deal with them. When I got “grounded” they caught up with me.
How did my ex help me? He had faith in me, told me over and over: “you can do this!” “I believe in you!”, he would always stay close, be there. even when he wasn’t physically there, it was enough to know that he was thinking about me. He would hug me, nuzzle me, whatever just to make me see I wasn’t alone. Always calm, understanding, reassuring. So that when I went to do what I had to do I could hear his voice in my head.
Sorry this post ran a little bit long, I needed to talk about this...
Thank you!!! Keep smiling!!!
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