One guy once said to me that I had to be the happiest person in the world because every time we talked I was laughing a lot. That may very well be so, maybe I do laugh more than other people do, but does that necessarily make me happier? Maybe I’m just very good at hiding my pain. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t in love, so that was not the reason. Not with him anyway. He’s not reading this and anyway I am pretty sure he knows already. The fact that I told him should have taken care of that. Still feel as if I ought to apologize. I don’t know why though. I’m weird.
It is pretty common though with a lot of really unhappy people to hide it well. Maybe that person you know who smiles and laughs a lot is going through a really difficult time and you have no idea. Or maybe they are just happy. Maybe they just had a tough time and things are looking a little bit better. But they could also be hiding their true feelings. Sometimes we do that because we want to escape our problems, pretend everything is fine, get away from pity, sympathy, empathy or whatever we get from everyone who really knows us. Maybe we’re afraid that a kind word from someone would make us break down and cry in the wrong place or situation. No one wants to feel, or make someone else feel, awkward. So it’s easier to say that everything is fine, smile and pretend to be happy. I do that.
My physiotherapist doesn’t like it when I do that. She thinks I take everything too lightly. Making a joke out of everything. I’ve explained to her that it’s my way of coping, if I didn’t I would fall apart even more than I have already. I have to look on the “bright side of life” or I will go under. Okay, maybe I could take some things more seriously, like my diabetes perhaps. I may appear as if I don’t care from how I describe my life, but the truth is still that my tests show my blood sugar levels are getting much better, every time they take new tests they’ve improved. I am talking long term testing not the finger testing I do myself. Or don’t always do to be honest. Still, it’s getting better. When you’re struggling to stay alive day by day you don’t really care too much about the long term dangers of a chronicle disease that actually can be very dangerous. I should really take it more seriously. At least my mother’s not here to feed me a lot of sugar, candy, cake and stuff. I told her to keep it away from me, but she kept buying my favorites.
However, it doesn’t really take that much to make me happy. This past year two guys have said to me that they only wanted to make me happy and both of them thought they failed. I don’t know what gave them that idea other than it’s probably not that easy to notice over the internet. Maybe if we’d met in person they would have known, trusted me whenever I said: “you do!”. None of them were that guy I mentioned in the beginning, the only one who ever said that I seemed to be a very happy person. I don’t know what I did different, or if it was he who was different. Still... Somehow I failed to show them that I was happy…
I have been dealing with a lot of problems and I have been depressed. There has been so many things that have gone so very wrong in my life for a long time. Practically every area of life has been a problem in one way or another. My health, my job, my family, my economy, dealing with a lot of pain and a lot of authorities. The summer was awful just to be followed by an ever worse autumn/fall. I think September was the really low mark. It’s my month. I was born in September. Maybe that’s why things had to get really unbearable that month. And eventually towards the very end I could see a sliver of hope that I might actually have the worst behind me and I could maybe make it. Maybe I came through the crisis without breaking and now I am heading towards the season of many breakthroughs. I’m not out of the woods yet, but it’s not looking quite as dark as it did before. Or maybe that’s just the sun shining for the first time in a while.
Today I am actually really happy. It’s a wonderful day. I only slept six hours and would so have wanted to go back to sleep. I knew it would be a wonderful morning for pictures and I wanted to go, but I was so tired. I did check my Instagram though and was just about to put it down and go back to bed when a friend sent me some pictures. Said I could use them if I wanted to. They were really beautiful. Not at all related to my morning of frosty sunrise and from a different part of the world. But to think he had taken these pictures, made an effort to make them good because he knows how much I like photographs… It made me change my mind. I got dressed, got up, got out. I was taking wonderful pictures before it was even eight am. Sunrise was estimated to about eight am and that seemed pretty accurate, And it had been a cold night so plenty frost.
I went to my favorite place by the ocean, met some people out walking their dogs. Everyone was just so happy about the beautiful morning. And so was I. It was so worth it, so happy I changed my mind and went. So happy I got those pictures that made me change my mind. It was very cold if not in direct sunlight, but I stayed out for over two hours. Probably going to have some health issues because of it and the pain… so much pain… But it was so worth it and I am so happy. It doesn’t really take much more than that.
I hope you’ll feel as happy today as I have. Thank you!!! Don’t forget to smile!!!
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