Do you ever find yourself in a situation where there’s something you have to do, you’re obligated to do, deadline is coming up and you have no idea how to even begin? You’ve promised to do it, but when it comes to actually doing it you have no idea what to do. Writing that school paper is obviously one of those times, or delivering that article you told everyone you were happy to deliver. That’s how I feel right now. I have taken it upon me to write one thousand words every day and to publish it in this blog so you have something to read, and it’s supposed to somehow be connected to my efforts to heal, but I have no idea what to write.
I often use quotes, Twitter or music, even Instagram. Let’s try Beatles “I get by with a little help from my friends”. Or from that TV show whatever it’s called in your country, but you know where you can choose to use a lifeline and call a friend and they’re supposed to help you with the answer. Either you know which show I mean after that description or you never will. It’s not important really. I tried “a little help from my friends”, using that lifeline, hoping it would save me. One of the answers I got was “Don't need to have an idea. Just let it flow”. Umm? Thanks, I think.!?
In a way I can understand that answer. It would have been perfectly fine for just writing a thousand words keeping them to myself or sharing them with someone close to me, but I am trying to, or at least somewhat faking that I’m trying to be a real blogger here. I have responsibilities to my readers. If I said that though, most people would probably just laugh. Me included. It’s been a long time since I really tried to make an effort at pretending to be a real blogger. I have just been writing to deal with the pain. And I know yesterday I said I was beginning to heal and I do believe I am, but I still have a long way to go. My broken heart is doing a lot better, but I had things that needed healing long before it knew it could break so let’s not kid anyone, least of all myself. It’s just the beginning.
Dealing with the physical healing I am not in a good place right now. It’s that annoying cold I keep trying to ignore. And I do not sleep too well, maybe because of that irritating cold. It doesn’t get any better by me being stubborn about going outside, going down to the ocean where the wind is always blowing. That wind is now becoming a very cold one. Sitting on ice cold rocks to get that picture I absolutely must have. Eating out, that means sitting on icy rocks eating a sandwich from the gas station.
I didn’t walk far at all today, but I had absolutely no energy. It was difficult to breathe and for a second I was sure I would get pneumonia. Right now I’m not too sure though. It was just I was so exhausted from nothing. Last weekend I could walk for so much longer and I still wouldn’t feel like I couldn’t get enough air. And that’s really annoying. When I finally got home I was so tired. I just wanted to go to sleep. My roommate gave me some Noodle soup which was perfect to get warm again. Unfortunately he needed me to go out again. He was drinking beer and had ran out of cigarettes so, bribing me with Noodle soup and an offer of Chili Nuts, haven't had those for a long, long time. My financial situation has been a lot worse than it is now so no nuts. Having to go out again, I felt like I was going to throw up. Just walking as far as to the garage was too much. I really need to reconsider my photo walks. Maybe even take a day off even if I really don’t want to. I’m afraid that if I take one day off it will lead to more days off and then I will stop completely with something that has been very good for me. I often do that, you see. Sabotage myself, stop doing things that are good for me for no good reason, give up on things I should have held on to. I’m afraid to take the day off. Even if that means I will get pneumonia from being stubborn. That’s technically also sabotage, but slightly different.
You can always dress to cope with the cold. I know. I have said that to people too. Mostly to explain why cold is better than hot. Can’t dress against the heat, can you? Well, technically you can, sort of, but never mind. I should try to find out where my mother put everything while she was living with me, messing everything up. I need to find my winter stuff. Calling her to ask is not going to work because we don’t talk to each other and she wouldn’t answer me anyway. She would just get mad at me. My mother is not like other mothers, trust me on that one. She really isn’t. And if you have a mother that’s at least half way normal, you have no idea how lucky you are. Maybe one day I will tell you about mine, but it’s not a very nice story. There’s a reason I’m messed up. Leaving my mother to care for herself and leave me alone, I still wish I could find my winter stuff.
As I’m getting closer to the magic number, how did I do? Did it flow? Do I even have a flow, anymore? Was it good advice in the end? Maybe. Once upon a time I believe I did have a flow. Once upon a time I also said to make a two hundred word check to see if I was heading down the right path? I might try that again. That and editing. Try to make this blog a blog again and not just a place where I go to vent. But just as it is with the beginning to heal part, everything must be allowed to take time. Patience is a virtue.
Thank you for following my flow all the way to the end. May the flow be with you!!!!
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