Do you recycle? It’s good for the environment to recycle. I do, at least Coke-bottles and my roommate’s beer cans. Because you get money back from that and right now I need all the money I can get. And I know. Buying that Coke-bottle is a serious waste of money, but I’m addicted so what can I do? I used to recycle a lot of other stuff too before my health took a nosedive into a seriously bad state. Paper, glass, plastic stuff, more or less everything. Even organic material, from food and such is recycled. They turn it into bio-gas in the neighbor town to the north of mine. We do kind of get payed for that too, less garbage less payment for the removal. Whatever ends up in the garbage gets burnt in a special facility and used for keeping the houses in town warm.
However that’s not really really the kind of recycling I was going to write about. I am going to recycle an old topic from just a while back. Recycling my thoughts if you wish. Well, technically, since this is all finished, written and published before you read it you don’t really have that much say in the matter. As usual I just write what I write.
I have not been feeling too well this past week. I’m really feeling my cold and it’s probably not getting any better by the fact that I don’t sleep too well. As a result I am very tired, my head hurts and i am not going out for my walks as I should. I am not getting out into the daylight as I should and I am not getting the pictures I need for my Instagram. Having stayed in bed all day today I found I had nothing to post. Nothing to post means that you don’t get any new likes, any new followers, which means that when the followers of a lesser degree of seriousness unfollow your numbers go the wrong way. We like our numbers to grow, don’t we?
Since I didn’t have any new pictures I could have posted some of my old. Not recycling old posted pictures, but I have so many I never used. But instead of doing that I posted some pictures I got from a friend of mine. He gave me his permission so that’s okay, he gave them to me, he took them for me because he knew I’d like them. Okay, so it wasn’t just any friend. It’s my ex boyfriend. And the weren’t old pictures from way back when he wasn’t an ex yet. It’s from a few days ago. Yeah. I still talk to him. He took some photographs for me that he knew I would like…
I guess, theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with that. Except. I’m not really over all that. Everything that happened. Whatever it was that happened. Or why it happened. I can’t ask either because it makes him upset if he thinks I’m upset. So I pretend everything's okay, that I’m fine. A lot of the time I am, or I have been. Not so much when I am tired from not sleeping and feeling bad from my cold. Right now I am not fine at all. But what can I do? Type - delete - type - delete. rinse and repeat! Until I find something that I can say that isn’t showing how I really feel. To spare his feelings? To spare mine? What if he really leaves? But he’s already left, hasn’t he?
Recycling the thought I had a few days back: “When do you give up?” I don’t know. From what he’s done, from what he did, and all the things I have found out. Internet can hide secrets, but they are hidden in public and never as good as you might think. The funniest, or saddest, part is that I don’t even have to look. Just checking in on a friend and there it is, falling into my lap, or eyes or wherever Internet secrets fall. For someone who is active online and uses a lot of the available social media it’s easy to find things you don’t want to find. Things someone else probably wishes you wouldn’t find. The only smart thing is to never keep secrets online. Or maybe not have any to begin with. Secrets are often lies and you just shouldn’t lie.
I’m sure most people would have cursed the day he was born, told him to go the warm place and been done with it. I can’t. I forgive people, I still try to help them when they need help. I still care, no matter what they’ve done to me. Sounds really pathetic, I know. Needy. Weak. Pathetic pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? Someone said to me on Twitter: “Don’t you dare let him think you’d have him back!” He doesn’t want that, he’s happy with the new girl. And I am not even sure I’d want it either. He says he wants to go back to the time before, but that’s not how he’s acting so I don’t know. Maybe I’d want that too. But maybe I’ve just got a fever from my cold right now.
Why can’t I just give up? People aren’t treating me right, I know that. But I still let them, I don’t give up and walk away. I don’t respect myself enough to say I deserve better and walk away. I don’t think it’s because i’m afraid of being alone. I’ve been there before. I mean not just without a boyfriend, I mean pretty much without anyone. I’ve done that. It’s okay. No one can hurt you then. Maybe it’s because I’m questioning if anything he said ever was true. Maybe it was just all lies and I, the girl with serious trust issues who doesn't let anyone in… Maybe I was too trusting, too gullible... The irony of that one…
But now that I know, why don’t I just give up?
Thank you!!! Fake it till you make it, one smile at a time!!!
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