The good news today is that I did actually manage to go out really early this morning. The bad news is there weren’t really a sunset, it was cloudy. Today has been the first rainy day in a long time. The good news is I still got some pretty nice pictures. The worst news is I didn’t sleep at all last night. I did sleep after I got home again and after watching the new episode of the Walking Dead. I didn’t sleep for long and now I am not feeling to good again. And it wasn’t really such a good morning to go out anyway. It was very cold out so my cold got worse again. What I sacrifice for my art…
The thing is, though, I feel as if I’m losing the grip of all the good routines I’ve been trying to get into. Sleeping is not improving, it’s getting worse. When I don’t sleep I feel a lot worse, not just tired, but also sad. These last couple of days it’s been very difficult to motivate myself to get up and go out. Walking is becoming more and more difficult again, The pain is coming back except now there’s also the added pain of feet hurting because I haven’t used the right shoes before. I have really nice hiking shoes I bought in Australia, but I’ve been using my taxi shoes, that I bought for taxi driving matters, not walking. To get the good photos now with all the colors and such I walk a lot off the tracks where it’s not always safe to be walking. My back problem makes it difficult with keeping my balance sometimes. I should really not be offroading it so much. Add to that my cold that does make it difficult to breathe at times. I have a lot of excuses not to go out. And most f the pictures I took today were not good at all…
Right now I would prefer to go to sleep and not write this. My head hurts, my nose hurts and I am very tired, but If I give this up too, as I’ve already did a few days ago, then what? Pretty soon I’ll have nothing left. I know there will always be times when we’re tested, can we still keep moving forward even with these obstacles in our way. I read a tweet yesterday about speed bumps reducing our speed but they don’t stop us. I know she meant a different type of speed bump, but if you look at the traffic ones… I told her it depends on what car you’re driving. I’ve seen a lot of fancy sports cars get stuck on them. She found it hilarious and that’s fine. But to be honest, a speed bump can stop you. A speed bump can send you into a deep depression if you’re the fancy sports car type of person. A deep depression will stop you. It can stop you for ever and that has happened to many fancy sports cars on the raod variety of speed bumps. They can break. And we can break too. I know that’s not an uplifting idea, but it’s still true. People still die out of their own free will…
A lot of the time people around a person who has chosen to die are very surprised and can’t accept that they were suicidal or even depressed. But one of the biggest lies we tell people is that we’re fine. It’s easier to smile and say we’re good than to tell someone that we’re actually not doing too well at the moment. It’s difficult to tell other people and it’s difficult for other people to listen to. I’m not in the habit of asking for help. I know I kind of did that by changing my usernames on all accounts I have, by changing my bios to say that I need help. That technique is something I’ve picked up from my ex. He used to do that for every setback he ever had. I haven’t been in the habit of changing my username or bio, but this time I did. I couldn’t go to someone and ask for help. My ex used to be that person, even before we started dating. But how can I expect any understanding for my broken heart and trust from the person who broke it? People noticed the changes though. People showed up and offered help, showed that they cared. I’m not used to that.
I was taught very early that I was the only one who could help me. No one else would come and save me. No knight in shining armor would come for me. No hero. With or without headphones. When I was a small child my father worked as the caretaker of the apartment building where we were living. My mother worked at the hospital so I grew up with my dad taking care of me. There weren’t many children in the house, but three boys live on the top floor. One younger and two older. I remember one incident when someone had done something and I ran to find my dad. I was four or five so that’s kind of what you do. He just said that running, crying to him wasn’t going to solve anything. I should defend myself instead. The idea was probably good in theory, but I was too young for that lesson. The only lesson I’ve taken from that is that no one will ever help you. You’re on your own. My mother wasn’t much better, I could yell for her for hours and she wouldn’t hear me. Though we were in the same apartment and I could hear her as clear as if she was in the same room. I was ill and couldn’t go to her. And she didn’t come to me…
It’s even in a song “learn to expect - nothing”. I’ve learnt that. No one can heal me, except me. And I need my routines to work. I can’t lose them. It took so long to get at least some of them working, I’m not sure I want to start all over again. I just have to make it work…
I hope you’re having a better day than I am. Thank you!!!
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