I feel like Ally McBeal in one of the episodes from season one she’s banging her head against the wall repeating to herself “I don’t have my mental health, I don’t have my mental health.” I can’t remember why, probably men trouble. That can make anyone lose their mental health. As I said I feel like her. I have lost my mental health. I don’t know why I do the things I do or say the things I say.
Why do I leave a comment on a quote “Some day you’ll just be a memory and a mistake.” I said Can’t say it’s a mistake when I, if given the opportunity to go back in time, knowing what I know now, would make the same choice again.” The publisher of the original quote couldn’t agree. So I followed it up with: “Sure, it hurts like hell now, but for a while it was heaven”. Key point still being I would do it all over again. Why would I do that and the most crucial question of all, why would I tell him that? Seriously, I don’t have my mental health.
I am listening to INXS - Never Tear Us Apart. “I was standing. You were there. Two worlds collided. And they could never tear us apart.” That was how it was supposed to be, but in the end it turned out differently. We’re torn apart, He’s not there anymore, not in anyway like before, not even the way it was before we were the two worlds colliding. “I won’t give up if you don’t give up” Train - Calling All Angels. In the end he gave up. I keep playing INXS, over and over again. I like that song, the words, the sentiment, Michael Hutchins voice, the music, the Australian accent. It’s my roommate’s favorite band at the moment. He’s the one who put this song in my head. I play it on YouTube. Torn apart.
Do I really have such problems letting go or what’s wrong with me? Will it ever completely stop hurting? I can’t look at my photos from that time because it’s all in some way connected to him. I don’t mean pictures with him in them I mean the kind of picture I normally take, which is of nature and such. I don’t have many people pictures. I’m not a people picture person. Yes, broken one of the most important rules in writing. Don’t use alliterations. Ever. But I love them… That’s why I like the Depeche Mode song Blasphemous Rumors “I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors but I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor and when I die I bet I’ll find him laughing”. Try it, read it out loud. It’s amazing. And I know I don’t have my mental health so why did you listen to me?
Seriously though. I often do things that I know I should definitely not do because it’s going to make me feel bad in one way or another. I do things I know will probably hurt me and it’s as if I can’t stop myself. As if I want to hurt myself. I don’t mean pushing myself like I do with my challenges or even my obsession with that Vine I still haven’t done. Or, I have one, but I can’t seem to post it. Hm. But that’s not what I mean. If I tell him that his captions on Instagram hurts me to read he’d remove them. But That's not how it should be. I should be able to stay away, shouldn’t I? He should be able to write whatever he wants wherever he wants. If I get hurt it’s really my problem, why do I check on him and read that stuff? And no, I don’t want to control anyone or ruin whatever he's trying to build up with whoever he may choose. That’s not it. It’s as if I find a wound that’s hurting and I can’t stop poking in it to make it bleed and hurt more. A little bit of shocking news. I do that too. I am part of the people who harm themselves. Can’t get enough of pain. What’s wrong with me?
In a way I guess I am The Worrying Kind. Any Europeans who know the Ark? Eurovision Song Contest many years ago. Sweden’s contribution. I know, the Eurovision Song Contest is a very embarrassing event for the most part. I don’t really watch it, but then again who does ever confess that they do? Random derailment of my train of thought there.
I know I worry too much, I overthink things and then I look for the evidence that I was right. Maybe. Or maybe the truth never hurts as much as the scenarios I can think up in my mind. To keep up with the song references, this time it’s Pink: “I’m a hazard to myself. Don’t let me get me. I’m my worst enemy. It’s bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don’t wanna be my friend no more. I wanna be somebody else”. That’s why I sometimes tell people to just say whatever it is they have to say. It doesn’t matter if you think it will upset me. Just when they mention they have something to say I have imagined the worst possible. It’s the same when it comes to criticism of what I do. I am my worst critic.
And I don’t take compliments very well. I got into a fight, hurting a friend because I said he shouldn’t lie. All he did was say he thought I was beautiful. Hm, it creeps me out just typing that. I do so much better with the negative, the bad, the criticism, the pain, anger. People being nice to me… I don’t know what to do. When someone gives you a compliment you should say thank you. Anything else is considered rude. My friend should be entitled to his opinion. Even if he’s wrong.
A weird thousand words today, but it’s something that came up during the night so I felt I needed to address it. Feel free to comment. Here, on Google plus, Twitter or wherever you find me.
Thank you and have a wonderful day!!!
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