I know all you people out there really mean well, and believe me I do appreciate it. Knowing you are out there watching over me means more than you could ever realize. But… you know it was coming, right? There had to be a but there eventually. Don’t worry it’s not really a bad but. It’s just something that I’ve been wondering about and I am probably pretty much alone in thinking the way I do, I usually am. I’m weird, I know, but… it’s okay. You have to be odd to be number one, right?
I have a question for you. That’s my “but”, this question. How come the first thing we, I have probably done it too, say to someone who’s been dumped, face it, that’s a good way of describing it and I did just have to watch old episodes of Ally McBeal on dvd and she has a real good image of someone being thrown into a garbage dumpster screaming wildly… Why is it we always try to comfort this person saying that they will find someone else? I mean, yeah. That is pretty likely, but right now… when I just had my heart broken… for me… that’s not what I want. I am not ready to throw myself into a new relationship, and a potential new heart break anytime soon. Rebound relationships, are they really that good? Honestly? Really?
Maybe it’s because every person who has ever been close to me has eventually ended up hurting me that I have these issues, but I don’t let people in that easily. I don’t let people get too close to me. You may think that just because I am very honest and personal in this blog that I am very open with other people, but I’m really not. I am a very private person.
It’s probably not such a coincidence that one of my favorite albums is Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I remember the first time I listened to it. I loved every song from the first time I heard it. Normally, in my opinion, if you like two or three songs on an album the first time you listen to it you can safely buy it. You’d probably grow to like the other songs too after listening to them a few times. But with the Wall it was love at first listen.
That album, The Wall. It is about that inner wall we sometimes build to protect ourselves. I have very high and very thick walls and I don’t let many people come inside. There are more than one and the highest, the thickest, that’s off limits for everyone. The other can be opened. It’s not easy though. I don’t trust many people. Most of my closest friends have only scratched the surface of my walls and even that is quite an accomplishment, to be honest.
But if you want a real, serious love relationship with me, that’s going to take a lot of time and effort. That level of trust you are asking from me then is not easily come by. As I said before, everybody has ended up hurting me. And for every one who has, the wall has grown higher and thicker. I have read on Twitter, I’m an addict, “It’s one thing to break my heart and something completely different to break my trust”. Especially if you know how difficult it is for me to trust anyone that much, to let you into my heart… if you know how scary that is for me, how much I trust you if I do let you in… and then you go and replace me, move on just like that, in a matter of seconds I am reduced to nothing. And then you tell me to move on… find someone new… someone better…
I know the intentions are probably good and all that, but you don’t really know me. My emotions run deeper than the surface stream. When I say “I love you” that has a deeper meaning. I didn’t grow up with parents who said “I love you”. Not to each other and not to me. And I know this may be really surprising, but not even the boyfriends I have had have been too generous with their “Jag älskar dig”. They were Swedish, so… “gillar” or “like” has been more common, but that is not quite on the same level though.
The question I have is maybe why are we in such a hurry to throw the broken hearted into the arms of a new love affair before they are even healed from the old one? I am sure that in his case, especially if you consider his new love, he’d feel a lot less guilty if I did run off with someone else. But I can’t date someone just so he can feel better about the choices he made. And as friends? Is couplehood so much better than being single that we need to get there no matter what. I mean I haven’t exactly been crying to people about “being alone forever”, have I? He left, it hurts, yes, because that’s what happened. I’m alone, yes, but not really though. I still have friends. And my bestie ones told me that friends always come before boyfriends or girlfriends. Friends are always more important.
I’m not alone, but someone I trusted broke that trust. Someone I dared to love against all odds broke my heart. I need time before I can even begin to imagine trusting anyone again, before I will dare to love someone again. And I just wish you can accept that right now I am broken, I don’t really wish to be alive, but I am trying to heal and I try to stay alive because I know I am not alone. I have my friends and I love you, though not in THAT way. I am hurting, and I will for a long time to come. I am sorry if that hurts you, but this is how it has to be.
Thank you for being there, thank you for reading. I wish you all the best of days. Take care!!!
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