Do you save a lot of stuff or do you get rid of things you don’t need? Are you a hoarder? Like me. Maybe the question is if you’re sentimental or not, but I’m not sure that all my hoarding is about sentimentality. to some degree, yes, but I’m not sure that it’s the whole truth. If true at all. Either way I have been meaning to record this video for some time now and I just don’t have enough disk space. I’ve been saving to many old recordings and I have a hard time deleting it even when I have uploaded them to YouTube. I have the same issues with my cameras, I’m constantly running out of space. Always hoarding stuff, always afraid of deleting things. Even in games, Lords of Minecraft especially, I have so many things and when I lost Internet and couldn’t pay the rent for my house and I lost everything…. Seriously. It’s a game… I guess I am sentimental...
During my life my parents and I have moved a lot. We never lived more than five years in any town or village and during those five years we’d be moving around also within that town or village. I can definitely say I have no roots anywhere. For me my home was our things, the furniture, the paintings, the knick-knack that followed us around. My childhood memories are tied up in things and I guess that’s sentimentality if anything, but it also represents safety. When everything else around you has changed that stuff is the only thing that’s familiar, safe. Of course I had my parents and I can’t really say that us moving so much was such a bad thing. It’s always sad to leave your friends behind but I’ve never had any problem finding new friends. That awkwardness of being the new kid in school was never a problem in my case. Not even when I got seriously ill in the beginning of third grade so that I wasn’t only the new kid, I was also getting there weeks after school had started making it really noticeable that I was new. Got new friends at once, accepted at once. I guess, in that respect, I’ve been very fortunate.
The sad part is that all those memories you gather growing up when you’re playing on that playground, climbing those trees or that bench you used to sit at to watch that cute guy with the tractor removing snow from the parking lot. I’ve left all those places behind and I’ll never go back there again. But I do still have that old couch I used to sit on in the mornings eating my cereal and listening to the warnings from Esrange about rocket launches during the day. I knew those messages by heart in Swedish, Finnish and Same. Still being sentimental…
What I am trying to say, I guess is that I have no family home to go home to that is where I grew up. There’s no such place. There’s only a new place where my mother lives and keeps all the old things that I remember from growing up. And if she replaces too many of those things with new stuff, then I won't have anything left of my childhood. If that’s not sentimental I don’t know what is.
Today I’m going through my old recordings and it’s just impossible for me to delete any of them. I live in that constant fear that I might delete something I could use. I also live in that illusion that one day I will do that montage or something that I most likely never will find the time to do. And if I ever would, well, I have saved most of it in mp4 format anyway. I don’t really need the original fraps recordings that takes up so incredibly much space.
It’s a fear of letting go. I cry every New Years and I have done for as long as I can remember. Something is ending. And it will never ever come back. It’s so obvious in that moment at midnight, something is forever ending just there and then. We can look back, we can remember, but we can’t get it back again. It’s over. Forever. When you delete a recording it ends up in a recycling bin, you can still get it back. When you empty that bin, well… nothing is really ever deleted from a computer disc, but that will take some skills and/or money. When you delete from your camera, well, they’re kind of a computer these days, but still… a lot of skills and/or money. I told you yesterday I deleted every single kitten picture I had of one of my cats. Sad story and that feeling when I realized what I had just done, not nice I tell you. But he’s still a cool cat, I think. He’s had to move. My older cat can’t stand him and I think he’s had to move again because there’s a new wife in that house where he lived.
The thing is though, if we don’t let go we might not have any space for something new. I have to delete old recordings if I want to make new ones. I have to delete old photographs if I want to take new ones. I need to let go of my feelings for my old boyfriend if I want any room for a new one.
Seriously, you knew that was what I was talking about all the time, right? No? To be honest I wasn’t quite sure until I started talking about recordings and photos. I’m writing to heal, blogging to heal and I use this forum to figure stuff out. Maybe I’m super jealous of “her”, but I’ve always been jealous of his girlfriends, even long before we ever became a thing. He’s always been jealous of my boyfriends. We were before, we were during and I guess we are after as well.
I’m just realizing it’s the first time I’ve ever really put it in writing the fact that it’s really over, done, in the past, not coming back, no going back. I don’t really know how I feel about that. Kind of empty I guess. But you know… I cry at New Years because the old year is ending.
A thousand words fly by so fast sometimes. Thank you for keeping me company. Have an awesome day!!!
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